Wand of Wonder

Bobble-Head Fred

2007-09-07T17:38:00.000-04:00

So... Fred Thompson has finally declared he is a candidate for President. And, so far, I am really unimpressed.

Take a look at his first TV ad (announcing his announcement):

To quote a good friend of my family (who is more actively conservative than I):
"I just looked at the ad. ...Thompson's head movements are so distracting, I don't know what the dickens he said. I watched it twice.

I guess you can call him bobble-head Fred."

The man that is supposed to be the next Ronald Reagan seems to have a really interesting nervous tick. Beyond the fact that he was a mediocre senator who didn't really accomplish much and he has absolutely no executive experience... he doesn't seem to be that good of a natural actor!

It gets even worse--his announcement video was a continuation of the same thing. You can watch it here.

Are you asleep yet? Do you realize that the video is FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG!?!?

So, yes... Fred Thompson is now in the race. And, so far, he is as lackluster as we had expected him to be. Ladies and Gentlemen who tend to vote Republican: THIS IS NOT THE REINCARNATION OF RONALD REAGAN.

I'm sorry... I know we hate to hear this. But, Bobble-Head Fred is not the guy I want running this country.

That is all.

Horatio

Riposarsi nella pace

2007-09-07T12:59:00.000-04:00

Because I like opera too.......

Here is my WoW tribute to Luciano Pavoratti.

October 12, 1935 – September 6, 2007
Riposarsi nella pace (Rest in peace).

Malach 2007-2008 NFL Preview

2007-09-06T14:05:00.000-04:00

With the games starting today ..
It is high time Malach puts out his popular NFL Preview for the 2007 - 2008 season.

AFC

AFC EAST
The New England Patriots: This team was one first down aways from going to yet another Super Bowl and winning it last year. Now, you have added Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth, when your top recievers last year were Reche Caldwell and Jabbar Gaffney. You added Adalius Thomas to a already nasty defense. Yes, Rodney Harrison is supended for the first four games, but the rookie Brandon Merriweather is a carbon clone of him. Eugene Wilson is also healthy. Yes, Richard Seymour might miss a large majority of the seasons, but he missed a lot games last year. And I would go to war with Ty Warren, Vince Wilfork, and Jarvis Green anyday. The Patriots are one of the top three team in the NFL, if not the top team, and look for another Super Bowl Ring to grace their fingers unless there is some type of catatrophic injuries.

The New York Jets: Mangenius and the Jets surprised a few people last year, they are still a few steps behind the Pats, but they might sneak into the playoffs considering how weak the rest of the division is. Again, Chad Pennington (a poor man's Tom Brady) is the key, if they keep him healthy and don't rely completely on his arm, they will win their fair share of games.

The Buffalo Bills: They are another year closer, but still need some pieces. This is JP Lossman's key year to try and finish above .500. Their offense might surprise a few.

The Miami Dolphins: Things are a bit of a mess in Miami, new coaching staff, player turnover. Trent Green alone will keep them in some games, but their defense is long in the tooth, and Teddy Ginn Jr. is not the answer.

AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: A top 5 AFC team, can their offense catch up to their Defense. Unless Pittsburgh comes back strong this year, they should take this division

Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers were an enigma last year. Roethlisberger was the biggest reason for that. Perhaps the multiple near death experiences? If the gets his head on straight, and he is not required to win them games (ie control the game with the run and short controlled passing), Pitt should give Baltimore a bit of run. A new head coach is interesting here too, from the same mold as Cowher, but we will see the differences.

Cinncinati Bengals: If the multiple Bengals don't go to jail, or get suspended, they should have a respectable year, maybe even 10 wins, but there still is no defense in Cincy.

Cleveland Browns: Well, still rebuilding, maybe the worst team in the AFC, and it won't be long before Brady Quinn is starting. Romeo, I had higher hopes for you . . .

AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Coming off their Super Bowl win, and Payton Manning finally expelling his demons, the world will be gunning for them. They also lost a number of key players, and don't have an easy schedule. They will still put up points, and it will be interesting to see if teir defense continues from last year'ss playoffs or falls back to Earth. They are also in a cupcake division perhaps even weaker than the AFC East. They should easily win 12, and remain in the top 3 AFC teams. Plus, Payton has more commercials to film.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Dumping Byron Leftwich (who I affectionately call the black Drew Bledsoe) was a good move, but David Gerrard is not the answer. The Jags are too one dimensional on offense, and Gerrard won't win you any games. Still good enough to win 10 and sneak into the playoffs, but that will depend on the Jets.

Tennesee Titans: Now, the Titans. They will give some teams some fits, they will also upset some teams. They are a scrappy little team (Not counting Pacman Jones, or Albert Haynesworth), no one will want to play, but will finish around .500. They still need more pieces, and taking away Pacman Jones will hurt them alot.

Houson Texans: So, Houston dumped David Car for Matt Schaub, at least Schaub can scramble . . They MIGHT BE better than the Browns.

AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers: Very interesting division with a lot of questions, the Chargers being one of them. Basically no off season changes for the Chargers, except for the entire coaching staff. Norv Turner, yeah another .500 coach. They still have LT. They still have a scary defense. Phillip Rivers should be better. They are still probably a top 3 team in the league, but those question about Norv Turner . . .They will win this division, and then we will see.

Denver Broncos: Again, like the Chargers, have some questions after a disappointing season. Is Culter ready to pick up his game? Is there a running game? Travis Henry is the Jekyll and Hyde of running backs. Will age catch up with a pretty good defense. Denver too might sneak into the playoffs on a wild card.

Kansas City Chiefs: I am sorry, any team coached by Herm Edwards is hard to take serious.

Oakland Raiders: Well, they do have a good defense in Oakland, but will they score. They Culpepper but traded Moss. Jamarcus Russel isn't even signed. Gotta love Al Davis, unless your a Raiders fan.

NFC

NFC EAST
Philadelphia Eagles: Again the NFC East is a bit open to who wants to take it, but one would assume, the Eagles have the best shot at that. Considering what they did with Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb is a definitely improvement. The questions once again? Who is he throwing too? Is there enough of a running game?

New York Giants: Again, the Giants have what they need to perhaps be the best team out of the NFC, if, and this is a big if, Elie Manning comes into his own. The loss of Tiki Babar is huge, but I think Brandon Jacobs can take a lot of the that load, 10 wins will take this division and that is possible for the G-Men.

Dallas Cowboys: The Tuna is gone, but TO is still there. Romo, is he the answer? We will soon find out. I supposed they have a shot, of course, their new coach is Wade Phillips . . .

Washington Redskins: No defense, no quarterback, and a coach who rather be looking after his NASCAR team; sounds like a winning formula to me.

NFC North
Chicago Bears: Unless Rex Grossman is benched by mid season (for ugh, Brian Griese), The Bears will not make the playoffs, you heard to here first. But in one of the weakest division in the NFL, I could be wrong.

Green Bay Packers: Is this Brett Favre's last year? They added some interesting pieces, and it would not surprise me if they make the playoffs, and perhaps even win the division.

Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings were pretty good at beating bad teams last year. They are still rebuilding, but unlike the AFC you can rebuild and still be a playoff contender in the NFC.

Detroit Lions (thanks to Troy for pointing out my Faux Pas): Ok, no Matt Millen drafting wide recievers jokes, but Calvin Johnson will be special and fun to watch. John Kitna is a very good back up quarterback .. . maybe 8 wins in Detriot?

NFC South
New Orleans Saints: Here are the Colts of the NFC, if they can find some defense, they are clearly the NFC favorite. Will anyone challenge them in this division, maybe a sleeper like Tampa Bay, but they should run away with this division and win perhaps 12 games.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Lucky for TB this is the one of the worst divisions in Football, and they might have done enough with the additon of Jeff Garcia to be playoff contenders and maybe even upset New Orleans once or twice.

Carolina Panthers: OK, I give up on Carolina, the Panthers suck. Jake Dellhomme is the original Rex Grossman

Atlanta Falcons: Who let the dogs out? Gonna be a long year in Hotlanta

NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: This should be a fun division, and all four teams have a shot at winning it. Seattle obviously missed Shaun Alexander, and lucky for them, Vince Young in on the cover of Madden this year. Seattle should win the division, but the teams behind aren't really that far behind.

St. Louis Rams: St. Louis keeps plugging along, with their above average seasons and short playoff runs, why should this year be any different.

San Francisco 49ers: This is a good young team and is going to surprise and dissappoint a lot of the upper teir NFC teams. 10 wins is not out of the question for this team, neither is the division, or 5 wins. Decent offense, and nasty defense.

Arizona Cardinals: This team is heading in the right direction, but is still a few pieces away. Will upset a few teams, and 8 wins will be a good season for them.

Once agains, the NFC sucks, expect the Patriot, Chargers, or Colts to take it all.

I am Malach the keelhauling master

Hump Day Jokes

2007-09-05T09:37:00.000-04:00

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes", said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart.

So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.

This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear.

This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life.

The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun. "How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone." "How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

~hump day love~

I knew it.

2007-09-03T21:20:00.000-04:00

Your results:
You are Lex Luthor

Lex Luthor		71%
Dr. Doom		68%
Apocalypse		58%
Magneto		55%
Mr. Freeze		54%
The Joker		47%
Catwoman		45%
Poison Ivy		45%
Juggernaut		45%
Dark Phoenix		40%
Kingpin		37%
Mystique		29%
Green Goblin		29%
Venom		28%
Riddler		25%
Two-Face		25%

A brilliant businessman on a quest for world domination and the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mind of our time!

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

Why Family Circus is the best comic strip of all time

2007-08-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Come to us Jeffy!

I am Malach and I know for a fact that Family Circus is the Piper's favorite comic strip.

Hump Day Jokes

2007-08-29T15:09:00.000-04:00

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.

The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?""

The father says, ""Making a puppy."" So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, ""Daddy, what are you doing?"

" The father replies, ""Making a baby.""

The little boy says, ""Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

~Hump Day Love for All~

BvB Blogger Battle

2007-08-28T16:12:00.000-04:00

Look

The reason is:

Our hits go up when people slap at each other, but we'd rather cut the useless trash talking to get our message out.

Solution? A seperate Blog to vent issues, discuss heinous acts and take shots at other people's WoW post...

"Oh! That's so negative!"

Modern psychology suggests that expressing even angry motions creates a bond, and allows us to be more accepting. The prededing statment has not been verified.

Let's do it! Go the the new blog and sign up. I'll send you the invite. You are all prequalified.

As an aside, just for those new or clueless people, I only blog to improve my rhetoris and arguing skills. I believe in absulutely nothing. Fire back hard, but don't ever take it personal.

Dumb Blonde Jokes - Video Edition

2007-08-27T12:39:00.000-04:00

I am Malach and like, I believe that South Africa, is like a suburb of Macon, GA.

Some request and more begging for money

2007-08-26T10:48:00.000-04:00

Requested T-Shirts!

VOTE BITCH IN '08
by
Malach

Get this custom shirt at Zazzle

and

From Above
by
Malach

Get this custom shirt at Zazzle

And now I beg for you money
First I need to thank you for the generous donations you have given me for the upcoming Special Olympics Fundraiser I am helping to sponsor. But I got a new charity. If you’ll notice to there is a First Giving widget with in this blog entry. Donating to that will help raise money for a special cause. It will sponsor my wife’s walk team for the Community Autism Resources Hearts and Hands Walk-A-Thon. This in turn helps programing in South Eastern MA for persons with autism, like my sister-in-law.

I am Malach and I am just loaded with charitable causes

Hill Clint

2007-08-25T09:36:00.000-04:00

That idiot Hillary Clinton is in the news again. She believes a terrorist attack will help the GOP (those are the Republicans).

OMG! SU! WTF?

This is why women, specifically Hill Clinty, should not be President. Only a silly woman would connect a terrorist attack to her own suffering. She should have added, "How come this always happens to me? Every time a terrorist kills someone, I lose voters!" Real freaking bright.

Here are Murk's top 11 reasons a woman should never be president.

1. Every month, the secret service would think she got shot in the privates.

2. She'd turn the White House into the gay Pink House with stupid lace curtains.

3. Other leaders could kidnap her and set a trap until a real man freed her.

4. Women are dumb.

5. Men are freaking so smart, dude.

6. A woman President would spend all her time gossiping with the wives of other leaders instead of running the country and doing the damn laundry.

7. Women. Hahahahaha. That's funny.

8. A woman President would resign like fifteen times because it's too hard and then complain when someone else does it right.

9. All women are crazy hypochondriacs. We'd have to get the "Presidential Illness of the Day" from CNN. Idiots.

10. Feminine hygine products strewn about the lawn. Not going to help our image.

11. Carter and Kennedy. We already had 2 women Presidents and how'd that work out?

Bonus: Hillary already had her turn for 8 years.

Murk.

Hump Day Jokes

2007-08-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Things Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

~Hump Day Love~

REVEALED: Palmer

2007-08-22T12:15:00.001-04:00

Palmer is a mystery . . .
But Malach has sources, and they have found all you need to know about the man. One of the West Coast buckos sent me this picture, and a little but of a biography:

Palmer is also known as Dirty David, and lives on the streets of LA. He uses library computers to build up his internet presence, that is why he is so sporadically on. No one is sure why he does this.

He refuses all help, and mumbles something about "Ginny". He can be found around the city, with his sign, and his little gimmick of being a "honest bum". I reality he spends the money on discount movie houses, hentai, sleeping at nerd conventions (like ComicCon) and his pickle smoking habit.

He is also known for his tagphrase: "Avenge Me!" which he frequently screams in crowded areas, and then runs off down a back alley humming music from Ladyhawke.

If you see Palmer, please call the locale mental health services. Consider his armed and dangerous, and he is not afraid to distract you with his Dance of Hanging Genitalia.

So, there you have it, the real Palmer.

I am Malach and now you know.

The Nut Bag

2007-08-21T11:26:00.001-04:00

I want a party with a giant nut bag.
Almonds of Cyanide flavor,
Walnuts to crush,
Brazil nuts to choke on.

Forever the nut bag
And sandwiches too.

Dancing to rhythms from space
Eating cashews and peanuts,
Pecan and others
More dangerous to follow.
The nut bag St Nick had
On old Yuletide Eve,
Like Jesus incarnate,
Giving whiskey to all.

The nut bag so pure and brilliant
It makes my teeth hurt.
Confusing little nut bag
The chipmunks are scared of you.

My party with nut bags
Will waken the neighbors,
Those useless third graders
With middle aged bodies.
I'll sing of my nut bag
In loud angry verses,
'Til blue lights come flashing
My lullaby home.

Politics....only better

2007-08-20T22:58:00.000-04:00

Australian Senator Discusses Oil Spill - Watch more free videos

Superbad: A Review

2007-08-19T20:25:00.000-04:00

Superbad is the newest comedy produced by Judd Apatow and written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg. Like most teen comedies, this is a coming of age movie. But what's different about this movie is that the dialogue sounds like it would come out of the typical high school student. And the actors themselves make everything seem more natural. Jonah Hill and Michael Cera play well off each other as the movies man characters Seth and Evan (respectively, and which are based off the writers). However, what this movie is probably going to be most famous for is it's second tier character of Fogell aka McLoving played by newcomer Christopher Mintz-Plasse. All in all this movie was great with endless laughter from everyone in the theater and it's worth the $7.50 that I spent on it....and the other $7.50 on the concession stand.

The Best: All the scenes with McLovin

The Worst: Could've gave us a little bit more closure in the ending

Grade: A

Cast:

Jonah Hill: Seth

Michael Cera: Evan

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Fogell / McLovin

Bill Hader: Officer Slater

Seth Rogen: Officer Michaels

Martha MacIsaac: Becca

Emma Stone: Jules

Aviva: Nicola

Scott Gerbacia: Jesse

Movie run time: 114 Minutes

And is rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image - all involving teens.

So you think you can play softball part II

2007-08-18T23:50:00.000-04:00

Let Malach teach you how

I am Malach the best thing to softball since sliced bread

So you think you can play softball?

2007-08-17T10:49:00.000-04:00

For the Local Buckos of the Greater New Bedford Area
Sandlot Softball and RubberSuit Studios is presenting a slow pitch softball tournament fundraiser to benefit MA Special Olympics.

WHEN: Saturday September 22nd and Sunday September 23rd, and possibly September 29th and 30th as well. Rain Dates: 29th and 30th.

WHO: Any group of men (18+) that consider themselves a softball team.

WHERE: Cushman Park in Fairhaven (parking via Main St. and Green St.)

HOW TO ENTER: Mail completed registration form along with the entry fee to Darren Fleurent @ 1030 Shelburne St. New Bedford, MA. 02745 (Registration forms are located here)

Registration is due Friday Sept. 14th. Tentative Schedules will then be mailed to the team captain on Monday Sept. 17th.
Entry Fee is $20.00 per player. As team captain please collect this money from your team and get a money order or make out a check payable to SOMA – Greater New Bedford. Please do not mail cash in case of the mail getting lost. (if you risk mailing money we are not responsible if it is lost in the mail)
Teams can register day of tournament, however, entry fee for teams day of will be $25.00 per player.
Teams must have 10 players registered via preregistration. Teams that preregister may register additional players (up to 5 additional) on the day of the tournament @ $20.00 per player.
You may also register as a individual player and we will put you on a team.

AWARDS: TBD. Remember that this tournament is all about having fun, pride, and raising money for Special Olympics. But we’ll see what we can do for awards.

TOURNAMENT RULES

Wooden SOFTBALL bats will be used, if you are in need of wooden softball bats for this tournament please order them. They can be found at http://www.directsports.com/, click on the “slow pitch bat” link on the left and scroll all the way down. Bats are VERY reasonably priced at $19.95 per bat. Order them at least one week in advance to ensure they arrive in time. We recommend ordering at least 2 bats of different sizes to give your team options. ($5.00 per player will buy 2 or 3 bats).
There will be no umpires. The catcher calls balls and strikes. Any pitch that hits the mat or plate is a strike. The 1st base coach makes the safe/out calls at 1st base and homeplate. The 3rd base coach makes the safe/out calls at 2nd and 3rd base.
There is a 6 – 12 foot arch rule. This will be monitored by the scorekeepers.
Steel cleats will not be allowed.
There will be no infield or batting practice prior to games.
Teams can start with 9 players. Catchers WILL NOT be provided by the opposing team if there are only 9 players to start.
The home team shall be determined by a pregame coin flip.
A volunteer will be the official scorekeeper for each game.
Each game will run 7 innings. There MAY be a time limit in forced to ensure all games are played. If so, games will not last any longer than 1 hour and 15 minutes. No inning shall start after the 1 hour mark unless the game is tied.
A 10 run mercy rule after 5 innings and a 15 run mercy rule after 4 innings will be in effect for all games.
All batters will start with a 1 ball and 1 strike count (no extra foul balls).
Absolutely no refunds shall be made under any circumstances – unless the tournament is cancelled completely. In that event, checks will be mailed to the team captain with 10 days of cancellation.

Rules are a combination of Special Olympics Unified rules and Sandlot Softball Rules

ABOUT GREATER NEW BEDFORD SPECIAL OLYMPICS

Thank you so much for your participation in this softball tournament fundraiser. The Greater New Bedford Special Olympics Program is always grateful for community involvement in fundraising. The Greater New Bedford Special Olympics Program has been in existence for over 20 years. The approximately 175 athletes and coaches compete in a variety of sports activities all year round.

Athletes in the Greater New Bedford area currently participates in 5 different sports including: Ten Pin Bowling, Basketball, Track & Field, Swimming, and Softball. This year we look forward to possibly adding two more sports to the mix: Volleyball and Soccer. Each year it costs over $10,000.00 just to provide the bare minimum of transportation and tournament fees to our athletes. All of which we as a local program are responsible for raising. Extras such as uniforms and sports equipment are often not purchased due to lack of funds.

The program primarily consists of adults with intellectual and physical disabilities. Most of the athletes live either independently or in a group home situation with little to no family involvement. Fund raising can be a difficult and daunting prospect; and for most of our athletes, asking them to pay their own fees or for their own uniforms is an impossibility. That is why this tournament is so important. Hopefully it will be a fun way to raise funds for a very worthwhile cause. Thank you again for your participation!

Malach and two of Malach's teams will be there, The Kombucha Mushroom People, and my SO Unfied Team, The New Beford Rangers. Hope to see you there.

Additionally, since many of you don't live in the area, or don't want to participate in a Softball tournament, I have set up a KMP Team donation button for you, all proceed will go to Special Olympics from the KMP team, click button in side bar.

EDIT: There is a page on my site with all the information including contact info. It is located here.

Hump Day Jokes ...

2007-08-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' "Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk because of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.

The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complement the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess —— you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

~hump day lovin~

The Traveller

2007-08-14T11:10:00.000-04:00

A Book Review
Malach has just finished reading The Traveller by John Twelve Hawks. It is the first book in the Fourth Realm Trilogy. Dark River the second book of the trilogy was just released. Both books have been best sellers, at least in their genre, and are fairly easy to find.

First I want to talk a bit about Twelve Hawks and the mystery surrounding the author. Very reclusive; supposedly Twelve Hawks and his editor have never met. They communicate via the Internet, and a untraceable satellite phone, using a voice scrambler. No photograph of him has been seen by the public, and the only biographical information on him is based on four sources.

A 2005 USA Today article
A 2005 interview in SFF World
A 2006 interview published in Germany in Titel Magazine
A small tidbit in a 2007 Daily Telegraph article

Random House's biography for the longest time only stated Twelve Hawks "lived off the grid" (a term we will explore a bit more in this article), and has recently been replaced by the line "John Twelve Hawks is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The Traveler."

Theories abound about who Twelve Hawks really is, some are interesting, Malach has his own. some have been recently discredited. One thing is know, Twelve Hawks is a pseudonym and he is not an American Indian.

Much of the "information" about him has come from interviews. In one, Twelve Hawks made the statement when asked if the situation in Iraq was "Hell", Twelve Hawks relied Hell was more "like Lebanon in the '70's", a remark that suggests he was at least old enough to have some intelligent thought about that, putting him in his 40's or 50's or even older.

Twelve Hawks has also stated he grew up in a sort of commune, learned writing from stealing books from a restricted University Library, drives a 15 year old car, and does not own a television. His road agent has stated Twelve Hawks lives in London, LA, and New York, and by his writing he shows some familiarity with these cities. Twelve Hawks also states he does not plan in going public with his identity.

Some of the more popular rumors and theories about Twelve Hawks. According to someone who knows someone from Random House. Twelve Hawks has a serious physical disability and prefers to remain out of the public eye. This has lead to the theory that he is Stephen Hawking. Interesting thought; Hawking has world travel experience, can write, and would have some thought of some of the science involved in this book. Interesting though, Hawking has never shied away from the public eye, and has never hidden his disability; in fact he is a huge proponent of the rights of the disabled. There are theories that he is another published author, some of the more popular guesses are Michael Cunningham, Craig Strete, Kage Barker, and Dan Brown. The Brown one has recently been denied by Twelve Hawks (personally I don't see it either, Twelve Hawks is a much better writer). Also having not read any of those writers, so I really can't give an opinion.

Malach's theory is that Twelve Hawks is William Gibson. Why? Read something by both of them. Their writing style is very similar. In addition, they explore many of the same concepts.

OK, what about the book?
The Traveller is set in a contemporary alternative reality. Elements of magic and technology interweave with a dystopian modern day 1984. The World and it's population are overseen by a secret organization bent on creating a perfect society, perfectly controlled by technology, the Internet, media, surveillance and a police state. This organization is called the Tabula, and over the centuries have infiltrated much of the world's governments, and businesses, creating a culture of fear and naitivity. This group is opposed by people who have realized what is going on, and have chosen to "live off the grid", the world wide blanket of surveillance and control. The Tabula in bent on destroying these groups, specific certain people called Travellers. Travellers are people who can project their "light" (Souls) into other dimensions and realms. From these realms they bring back information (free will, living off the grid, living off the land) that is against the society created by the Tabula . Travellers over the centuries have become great leaders of men: holy men, prophets, genius, and change society for the better. The Tabula sees them as dangerous subversives and are bent on destroying them, which they have over the centuries. Harlequins and sword protectors of the Travellers, lonely fighting machines, who's only purpose in life in to protect the Traveller.

Both Travellers and Harlequins, being systematically wiped out, only number a few as we come to the modern era. Maya is a Harlequin from birth, abandoning that life to attempt to live a normal citizen. The daughter of a famous German Harlequin, she is thrust into the midst of this war on her father's last wish. She is asked to find and defend the two last remaining known Travellers, and travels to the States to do so. While there, she uncovers a massive plot by the Tabula, to use one of the travellers to contact, and perhaps eventually cross over to the other realms.

The plot is well written, has some really nice twists, and the character development is excellent. And overall feeling of paranoia and mystery is carried through the novel, and several ideas of free will, anti-technology, and religion are also explored in the novel. The book has a very interesting Buddhist cosmology to it, and it a excellent mix of fantasy, sci-fi, magic and cyberpunk.

This will easily translate to the big screen and reportedly the movie rights have already been sold. Can't wait to read the next installment.

I am Malach and I can read.

Kick The Paranoia

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

After reading this, I have decided to up my paranoia and conspiracy theory quotient.

So, are the MASONS responsible for the New World Order?

Is the King of France a pygmie?

Aliens. Nuff said.

Here's your "Tag"

2007-08-13T20:11:00.001-04:00

Like I have time for that kind of shit, people. C'mon.

Anyway, Here's Dick on why going into Iraq would be a bad idea (circa 1994)

WoW Fact #376q

2007-08-13T16:00:00.001-04:00

1 out of every 5 sanitation workers has a ponytail.

Life Is: Voton the Conqueror

2007-08-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

Sharp. I will make this stone sharp. I will make this stone sharp for my family and for Nod, almighty firey chariot of the heavens. I will have a sharp stone to remove the heads and limbs of my enemies. he sharp stone will bite at the heels of my warriors as they run into battle. The sharp stone will conquer.

The hunt is over. We must hunt men now. Those villages there, there and there. They will have food. They've hunted well. We will hunt them, my brothers. We will take their food and feed our own. What match is the stick for the sharp stone? We are not boars and hart. We are men. Men set traps. Men attack. Men are guided by visions.

We will put mud on our faces and skins over our heads. He will howl like this and frighten them. The sight of their own red blood will frighten them. Our women will wait for those who flee. Our women will set their sharp stickis in the ground and catch those who run in the thorns of madness. We will dot our faces in blood.

Men who feel pain will not go. We will test each man, then give him a weapon or send him with the women. We will drink from the root and see visions. Our visions will guide us. The sharp stone will clear the way. We will have food for the cold season. We will grow strong and take other villages. We will take their women and children and kill their men. If they have fire, we will add it to ours.

Nod willing, every man will have his own village before the planting season. Every man will have his own village of workers and women. We will be safe and well fed. Every village will be ours. Every man our family. We will be the only hunters.

Sharp stone, make this so.

Remember this one?

2007-08-11T22:32:00.000-04:00