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Hey Fatass,
This letter comes to you from your 39-year old self…
Yes…you’ve survived to be 39 years old.
First, a couple of things about your 39-old you that you may find shocking:
1) You’re still short. In fact, I think you may be shrinking.
2) You’re losing your hair. Yes, see that mullet you've been working on? Well, kid, you might as well save some of it for later.
3) You have two kids, a wife, and you still live in New Hampshire.
4) You are not a porn star...yet.
5) You just had a vasectomy…this is where they cut your balls open. You VOLUNTEERED to do this...no Chinese prison was involved. Also, there was smoke. Don’t be alarmed when you see it.
6) You work in the computer field. You make good money. However, it’s still not enough and you hate your job.
7) You have no cavities.
Anyway, enough about me.
Now…about you….
I’m going to write this in the form of some helpful advice tips.
Tip #1: YOU'RE A FAT PIG.
Right now at 13, you’re fat.
Face it, mom lied – you’re not “big boned,” you’re a porker. Those Sears jeans you wear are called “husky” because – and you’ll find this out – husky is another word for “fat.”
Because of this, High School is going to suck for a while.
Lose the weight.
Put down the Atari, put on some leg warmers and go do some jumping jacks.
Then, when you go to the first school dance, do NOT wear dress shoes.
No one else will be wearing them.
People will make fun of you.
But at least you won’t be fat.
Tip #2: LET YOUR CAR GET STOLEN.
Not much exciting is going to happen to you until you get your license.
Your first car will be a piece-of-sh*t Ford Maverick. You will want to dress it up in various ways (like adding “mag wheels” to it, or – literally – GLUING a station-wagon spoiler to the trunk). DON’T DO THIS.
People will make fun of you.
Anyway, you’ll be working at a restaurant and will leave the car open on a hot day. The car will be stolen.
THIS IS A GOOD THING.
..because your next car will kick serious ass and be a total chick magnet…you will have a license plate of “Rowdy,” which will also become your nickname in the yearbook.
Doors will open for you. Boys will envy you. Girls will adore you. You will be included in cool groups.
Like I said, LEAVE THE CAR DOORS UNLOCKED.
…but take your new sneakers out of the back seat first. Those got stolen with the car.
Tip #3: AVOID THE BACK CRACK
In Algebra class, Sophomore year, you will want to crack your back against your desk.
Don't do it.
You fart.
People make fun of you.
This will haunt you for years.
Tip #4: STOP ARGUING WITH JACK
You’re going to have continuing arguments throughout high school with your friend Jack on which band is better: Iron Maiden (you) vs. Judas Priest (Jack)
Jack is right.
Priest IS better. You will realize this later on.
Plus, you can’t win arguments with Jack.
He’ll make fun of you.
So, concede this and move on. It turns out that Judas Priest actually is better.
If it helps to ease your pain, though, you can rub it in his face that Rob Halford turns out to be gay. It’s the 80’s and you haven’t learned tolerance yet…so it’s very likely that he’ll start freaking out.
It should be fun to watch.
Tip #5: MICROSOFT
You know all that money you were going to spend on Rowdy that I just talked you out of? Take it, and buy stock in a company called "Microsoft."
Stock, in this reference, is not referring to soup.
I know you're still thinking about food, you fat sh*t. Cut it out.
Doing this will make you rich. It may make you "I have my own harem" rich.
(People may make fun of you when you're rich, but you can pay to have them killed discretely)
Tip #6: JEN
When you meet Jen (your wife) in 1989, start selling her on the harem thing.
Tip #7: STOP TOWEL-DRYING YOUR HAIR.
Looks good now…but by the time you’re my age, you’ll find that your hairline is receding faster than the glaciers (there’s this whole “global warming warning” thing I could throw in here…but I think the car stuff is more important to a 13-year old and you couldn’t actually give a sh*t about polar bears).
Your hairline is going to start resembling Florida.
People will make fun of you.
Rogaine. Buy stock in that, too. You’re going to use a lot of it.
I think that’s it. A lot of cool stuff is going to happen to you…and a lot of coincidences are going to lead you to where I am right now. You’ve got a pretty good life all told.
It will be better with a harem, so I’m trying to swing that for you…but if it doesn’t work out, this is still a really good existence.
See ya, kid.
Oh…one last tip:
When you’re in Montreal with Chris and Manny, don’t ask those kids “if they have a problem”. They do.
Trust me.
* * * * * *
Again, opinions and ideas here are solely those of the writer and not of Third Option Media. Contact the writer if you are interested in discussing this article