A Hump Day Joke ~ In honor of Tainted Love

Getting a hairdryer through Customs.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie..'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said,'Go ahead, Father.'

Hump Day Jokes ...

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."

~**~**~**~

This penguin was having car problems, so he pulled his car into the garage for a check-up. The mechanic points at the restaurant across the street and says, "Go over there and get a bite to eat, and I'll take a look." The penguin does exactly as he says. After a while he waddles back, and the mechanic is looking under the hood. The penguin asks him if he's been able to figure out what went wrong. The mechanic glances over his shoulder and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no, no --That's just tartar sauce."

~**~**~**~

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down." So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking. The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight." "I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking." "So why are you shaking?" asked the lion. "Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

~~wicked love~~

Holday Hump Day Jokes

A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask "what seems to be the problem?" " My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?" Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He wake up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said "son what did Santa bring you?" I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can’’t find the little bastard.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

~holiday love~

Hump Day Jokes

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." P

riest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

~*~*~*~*~

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

~*~*~*~*~

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.""Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

~wicked love for the wicked~

Hump Day Jokes

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

~wicked hump day lovin~

Hump Day Jokes

You Might Have a Redneck Thanksgivings if:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

~*~*~*~*~

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

1. Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left

those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition,

and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

3. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the

turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

5. Whenever someone at the table says a word

beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

6. When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

7. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

9. Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on

just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

11. As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd,

I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

12. Hold your nose while you eat.

13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom,

I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender,

and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

16. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,

he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms,

and then they are free to go.

17. During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

18. Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

19. Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug"

gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,

"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

~*~*~*~*~

A lady was pawing through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough to feed her large family.

Annoyed, she asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The startled stock boy replied, "Heck no, ma'am, they're all dead."

~*~*~*~*~

Have a happy happy turkey day everyone!

~turkey lovin for the wicked~

Hump Day Jokes

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story

with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

~*~*~*~*~*~

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap. The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yankee Doodle went to town

A-riding on his mother

Every time he hit a bump

He had another brother!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie to her.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sorry I missed last week everyone! I

have been extremely busy with work and wedding planning.

Hope these make your Hump Day a little brighter.

~wicked love to all~

It's Always Hump Day for Tainted-Love

Just before the Garden of Eden officially opened for business, God approached Adam and Eve.
"Hey guys", said God, "I'm about to light the fuse on this whole Creation thing, and I just have a few details to iron out with you two regarding men and women."
"Shoot," said Eve.
"Yeah, go ahead,"said Adam.
"Well," said God, "here's the thing. I've been thinking about it, and I've come up with this: there should be some key differences between the two of you, otherwise I should have just made one, know what I mean?"
"Sounds reasonable," said Adam.
"Sure does," said Eve.
"OK, so I've come up with a list here. Who wants to be stronger?"
"I'll be stronger," said Adam.
"Fine with me," said Eve.
"OK," said God, crossing 'strength' off his list "who wants to be able to bear children?"
"I want that, too," said Adam.
"Hey-that's not fair!" said Eve.
"She's right," God said, crossing 'childbearing' off his list. "You got one, so she gets one. It's only fair."
"Whatever," said Adam, sullenly.
"OK, which one wants the ability to pee standing up?" God asked.
"Oooooh!!! Mememememe!!!!!" Adam raised his hand and jumped up and down. Eve rolled her eyes.
"OK, it's all yours," God said, crossing off 'pee standing up' from his list.
"Ha!" Adam said to Eve. "Do you know how cool this is gonna be? I can pee anywhere I want. I don't have to worry about ever finding a bathroom. It's gonna be awesome! I rule! You suck!!!"
"OK, Eve," said God, checking off the last item on his list. "That leaves 'multiple orgasms' to you."

Hump Day Jokes

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor. One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!?" Dang, I thought you said ‘‘goats.’’

~*~*~*~

Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''

The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the little boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

~*~*~*~

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

~wicked hump day love for all~

Hump Day Jokes

A man with a fifty inch penis goes to the doctor complaining that he can't get any women. The doctor says, 'Well, I can't help you, but I know a witch doctor who can'. So the man goes to see the witch doctor, and the witch doctor tells the man to go to the lake, and that when he gets there, he will see a magic frog. All he has to do is ask the frog to marry him. When the frog says 'no', his penis will shrink ten inches.

So, the man goes to the lake and sees the frog. 'Frog,' the man says, 'will you marry me?' 'No!' says the frog. Suddenly, his penis was only forty inches long.

Well, that's good, but I need it shorter, the man thinks to himself. Once again, he asks the frog, and his penis shrinks ten inches. Now he is down to thirty inches. That's pretty good, but it could be a little shorter, he thought. So the man asks the frog to marry him, and in a furious rage the frog answers ' for the last time! NO! NO! NO!'

~*~*~*~

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. "I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

~*~*~*~

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

"Shut up! You're next!"

~wicked hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.

Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."

Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."

Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."

Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself —— he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.

Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.

~*~*~*~

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

~*~*~*~

Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch. They then called the police.

The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''

~wicked hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman."Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man."How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''

The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''

Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

~*~*~*~*~

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time.

She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

~*~*~*~*~

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

~hump day love for the wicked~

Hump Day Jokes

Two blondes are driving down the freeway chugging a few beers when they see a road block ahead with police checking for drunk drivers. The blonde in the passenger seat starts to panic and the driver tells her to calm down and do what she does. She then proceeds to quickly chug the last of the beer in her hand, peel the label off, stick the bottle under the seat and stick the label to her forehead. The second blonde follows along. When they arrive at the road block, the officer looks in and is quite surprised by this spectacle and says, '' Hello ladies. By any chance have you two been drinking tonight?'' ''Why no officer, you see, we are on the patch!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Testagain.!!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

~wicked hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes", said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart.

So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.

This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear.

This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence.

So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.

And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes." "Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life.

The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun. "How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun. "Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone." "How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun. "Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!" "Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!" "Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.

The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father ""Daddy, what are they doing?""

The father says, ""Making a puppy."" So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, ""Daddy, what are you doing?"

" The father replies, ""Making a baby.""

The little boy says, ""Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

~Hump Day Love for All~

Dumb Blonde Jokes - Video Edition

I am Malach and like, I believe that South Africa, is like a suburb of Macon, GA.

Hump Day Jokes

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Things Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

~Hump Day Love~

Hump Day Jokes ...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.

The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' "Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.

Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.

The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk because of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.

The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complement the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me guess —— you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

~hump day lovin~

Hump Day Jokes

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow". "Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'". "Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''

~hump day love for all~

Hump Day Jokes

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it!

He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets.

He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

Three women are about to be executed, one's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim……"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim……"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim……"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.
"Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands."
"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa.

The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick.

Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick.

A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.

"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far.

With new arm, Tarzan strong.

But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch." Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically." "Rubbish," says the girl. "No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on." "Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No, of course not!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

"Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?"

"Yep," replied the blonde.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette.

"Yep," replied the blonde.

"Is the cop still following me?"

"Yep."

"Are his lights on?"

"Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sorry I missed last weeks, was in hospital.
But all better now *smiles*.

~Hump Day Love~

Hump Day Jokes ...

20 Politically Correct Ways to Say Pervert

20. Morally Challenged

19. Sado-Masochistically-Engineered

18. Sensationally-Accomplished

17. Kinkifically-Resolved

16. Exhibitionistically-Oriented

15. Missionary-Incompatible

14. Dominantly-Endowed

13. Submissively-Enabled

12. Orientation-Curious

11. Contusion-Achieved

10. Gender-Empowered

9. Pain-Reliant

8. Poly-Capable

7. Deviationally-Fixated

6. Fetish-Accessible

5. Restraint-Compatible

4. Leather-Dependant

3. Endorphin-Enhanced

2. Spank-Natured

And the #1 politically correct way to say 'pervert'...
1. Vanilla-Impaired

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Which one are you?

I'd say I'm No. 18. ~grins~

~hump day love~

Hump Day Joke...

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

(As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how "kinky", for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied,"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a minute, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."

~enjoy~

Hump Day Jokes ...

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring.

She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs

B - Barely there

C - Can Do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

~Hump Day Love for All~

Hump Day Jokes...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you". He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time". She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home.

She says "your best friend just stopped by".

He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For Toyi ...with love:

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered,

"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

~*~*~*~*~

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

~hump day love~

Hump Day Jokes

Every year, Bob goes hunting during bear season. One year, Bob goes hunting, and shoots a small brown bear. Then, the mother of that small brown bear comes up to him and says, " I'll give you two choices, I'll either kill you, or make love to you, but I won't let you go."Bob thinks on this, and decides he wants to live, so the mother bear then makes love to him.The next year, Bob goes hunting again, but this time, he shoots the mother bear that he was forced to make love to the year before. He shoots her, and her mother comes after Bob, and again, gives him the choice. "I will make love to you, or kill you, which will it be??"Again, Bob makes love to a bear.The next year, Bob goes once again for revenge, and kills the bear that he was forced to make love to the year before.This time, her sister comes up to Bob and says, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp. "Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened." "I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?" The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘‘Pack your bag's and get out!’’ I told her." "What about your friend?" asked the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘‘Bad dog!’’"

~wicked lovin~

Hump Day Yucks.

And Oldie but Goodie

Once upon a time there was a old man, in a beat up jalopy, and he was going on vacation, about halfway through his trip, he saw storm clouds up ahead. He wanted to out race the storm, and get back on the highway. He drove down the dark rickety dirt road and came to a fork, not marked on his map. The left fork led into the woods, the right, down a open field, but right into the storm. He went left and entered the woods. The woods were dark and a bit scary, and soon, the storm caught up to the man, and it was pouring. Lightning flashed, and hit a tree, spilling into the path of the man, who crashed into it. The man car was totalled, but he was unhurt. He cilmbed out of the car and looking around saw a old victorian mansion about a mile away, with lights on, he headed toward the mansion for help.

Just at that time a young couple on their honey moon, was heading down the same rickety dirt road, just a few minutes behind the man. They were lost and trying to find the highway, and came to the split. They too saw the dark storm clouds, and took the left passage into the dark scary woods. They soon came upon the tree and the wrecked jalopy. The stopped their sleek european sedan next to the jalopy and got out, looking for the owner. Just then lighting stuck another tree, which tipped over onto the couples car crushing it. They did not find the owner of the jalopy, but saw a huge victorian mansion, about a mile away, with lights on. They decided to walk there and seek some help.

A few minutes after the couple a hippie in a VW Bus, was driving the same dirt road. Pot smoke poured out the open window. The Hippie was high and lost, and lo and behold takes the same rickety dirt road as the old man and the honeymooning couple, the same fork into the scary dark wood. High and not paying attention he smashes into the pile of cars. He is unhurt, and quickly sees that there is a old victorian mansion up ahead, that has lights on, he decides to go there to seek help.

A few minutes after that, a nun, driving a beat up sedan, comes down the dirt road. She decides to take the fork into the woods, and as that will take her through God's Country. She turns down the road and comes upon the massive pile up of cars. She stops and gets out hoping she can help, that is when a huge gust of wind, knocks a large limb off a tree, and crushes her little car (sorry angry piper). She sees no one in the wrecks, but does see the large victorian mansion with lights on up ahead, she decides to go there to seek help.

About this time the old man walks the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain and arrives at the mansion in about 20 minutes. He walks up the large marble stair, to the front door and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentleman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yes," says the old man,"I seem to have been in a accident down the road, may I use you phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines; but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"That is very nice of your master, I will accept his offer", says the old man.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes the man through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the first one on the left, and says "you may stay here", and the old man enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for him.

About this time the couple has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain to the mansion. They walk up the large marble stair, to the front door, and ring the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yes" says the couple, "We seem to have like been in a accident down the road, and need to use your phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Well this is a fun start to our honeymoon", they say.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes them through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the second one the left, and says "you may stay here". The couple enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for them.

About this time the Hippie has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and pouring rain to the mansion, and come down from his high. He walks up the large marble stair, to the front door, and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Yeah man" says the Hippie, "I like, was in a crash back there and need to use your phone, man."

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Groovy man", he says.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes him through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the first one the right, and says "you may stay here". He enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for he. He immediatle crashes onto the massive bed.

About this time the nun has walked the mile or so, through ditches, fens, and now pouring rain to the mansion, praying on her rosary beads. She walks up the large marble stair to the front door and rings the bell. A few minutes pass, and a large gentelman in a butler's outfit opens the door. "May I help you" he says in a cockneye accent.

"Thank Jesus" says the nun, "I seem to have like been in a accident down the road, and need to use your phone?"

"I must ask the Master", says the Butler, "Please wait here". The Butler leaves, shutting the door. He returns 5 minutes later. "The master says you may come in, but the storm has knocked down the phone lines, but master says you may stay the night, and use the phone in the morning when they are fixed".

"Your master is very kind, thank you", says the nun.

"Follow me says the butler". The Butler takes her through the main foyer, and up a long stair, then down a long hall, then up another long stair, and then down another long hall, and then up a long stair, and down a long hall. At the end of the hall are 4 doors, the Butler opens the second one the right, and says "you may stay here". The nun enters the room. It is finely furnished and has a change of clothes for her. She immediately kneels down to pray.

Aproximatley a hour after the group are lead to there rooms, and they have all but gotten ready for bed, there is a knock on the door of the old man. The Butler is there, "the master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow, me" and the old man does.

Next, there is a knock on the couples door, they have all but gotten ready for bed. They opne the door and the butler stands there with an old man. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the young couple get in line behind the old man.

Then there is then a knock on the hippies door, he has all but gotten ready for bed, he opens the door and there stands the butler, an old man, and a young couple. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the hippie gets in line behind the young couple.

Finally, there is a knock on the nuns door, she has all but gotten ready for bed. She opens the door and there stands the butler, an old man, a young couple, and a hippie. "The Master would like to meet you before you go to bed, will you please follow me" says the butler, and the nun gets in line behind the hippie.

The group of them now go down the long hall, and down a long flight of stairs, and then down another long hall, and down another flight of stairs, and then down a long hall, and down another long flight of stairs, into the foyer, and through a archway into a dining room, they can see a kitchen beyond. Standing by the table is a older distingushed gentleman, with a pipe and a smoking jacket.

"This is the Master", says the butler. And everyone is introduced to the master and each other.

The Master speaks, "I am sorry at your unfortunate incident, but feel free to stay the night, one thing, please do not leave the floor you are on as this house is haunted, and the ghost are very violent". The Master leaves the stunned audience before they can question him any further.

"You may follow me" says the butler, and he leads them out of the dining room, via the archway, to the foyer and up the long stairs, and down the long hall, and up another long flight of stairs and down another hall, and finally up a long flight of stairs, and down a hall to their rooms, they all thank the butler and soon are fast asleep.

The old man wakes up in the middle of the night, he is deathly hungry, and decides that there should be some food, somewhere in here, so he leaves his room. He goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the old man finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, four armed scary monster, but before the creature can do anything, the old man rips off one of his arms, and takes a bite. "MMM, rich food is good." He shuts the fridge, and cradling the arm, he leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the first door on the left, and into his room. By that time he had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

Just as the old man fell asleep, the couple wakes up, are extremely hungry. They decide that there should be some food, somewhere in this large mansion, so they leave their room. They goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the couple finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, three armed scary monster, but they are so sleepy they don't notice. Before the creature can do anything, the couple rips off one of his arms, and takes a bite. "This is good, honey try some". They shut the fridge, and share the arm, as they leave the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time they had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

Just as the couple faded off into slumberland, the hippie wakes up, and has the muchies. He decides that there should be some food, somewhere in this crazy funhouse, so he leaves his room to find a snack. He goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen. It was very dark, and spooky, but the he finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, two armed scary monster, but he is still feeling the effects of the shrooms, and doesn't notice it. Before the creature can react, he rips off one of the creatures arms, and takes a bite. "Yum, that is far out". He shuts the fridge, and eats the arm as he leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time he had finished his meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

About this time the nun wakes up, is extremely hungry. She decides that there should be some food, somewhere in this large mansion, so she leaves her room to find some. She goes down the hall and down the long flight of stairs, down the hall and down another long flight of stairs, and down the last long hall and down the last long flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch, into the dining room, and through a swinging door into a large gourmet kitchen, all the while blessing the house. It was very dark, and aspooky, but the she finds the fridge, and opens it. In the fridge, is a huge purple, one eyed, one armed scary monster, but the nun hardly notices. Before the creature can do anything, the nun rips off his last arm, and takes a bite. "Wow, this is better than Mother Superior's gruel." She shuts the fridge, and eats the arm as she returns to her room. She leaves the kitchen, back through the swinging door, into the dining room, back under the arch, to the foyer, then up the long flight of stairs, and down the long hall, up another long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, up the last flight of stairs, and down the last hall to the second door on the left, into their room. By that time she had finished her meal, felt better, and went to sleep.

The morning arrives and there is a knock on the old mans door. "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

There is then a knock on the couples door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

Next, there is then a knock on the hippies door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

Finnally, there is a knock on the nuns door, "Breakfast will be served in one half hour, the master expects to see you there", says the butler.

A half hour later, the old man, couple, hippie and nun leave their rooms, and meet in the hall at the simutaneously. The Butler is there waiting. "Follow me" he says. They follow down a long hall, and down a long flight of stairs, and down another long hall, and down another long flight of stairs, and finally down a third hall, and a third flight of stairs, to the foyer, through the arch and into the dining room. The master is already there. The guests take a seat and the master speaks.

"We have a problem," he begins, "I asked you not to leave your rooms, but some one did; but before we discuss this nasty matter, please have some breakfast. I don't have much to offer, but Corn Flakes and Rice Crispies, please tell my butler what you would like."

The Old Man says, "Corn Flakes."
The Man and Woman from the Honeymooning couple both state "Rice Crispies."
The Hippie says, "Rice Crispies."
And the Nun states, "Corn Flakes"

"Good" says the Master, "Now we can talk about who ate the arms off my monster."








And do you know what the moral of this story is? DO YOU?

The moral of this story is that 3 out of 5 people prefer Rice Crispies to Corn Flakes.

OK, if you heard this one before, how about this?
Zombie movies . . Malach does Zombie movies!

I am Malach and I am provocative.