Just a reminder, my fellow Americans; You all still suck.

There has been much excitement in the air this current election cycle. Much enthusiasm. Much hope and a great deal of expectations, especially among those people who are left of Rush Limbaugh (who will hopefully self immolate in live radio soon. I can smell the cooking Republican bacon now).

But, before you get all infused with your warm saline of civic pride, I just want to point something out to you; you’re all still a bunch of stupid assholes.

I have no illusion that the collective IQ of the American voter will miraculously go up several points just because the candidates changed. My only hope is that Obama's charisma will allow him to play to enough of the shallow vapid pysche of the typical voter so that he can get elected and do a good job despite being elected by the same fucktarded populace who voted for Bush twice.
You, my fellow citizens, completely lost my respect these last few years. If you incidentally vote in a competent leader this time, it will not improve my opinion, anymore than a broken clock being right twice a day makes me think it is working again. We are still a ship of fools.

Your typical American still cant find Iraq on a map. Over half of the country still thinks evolution is a myth. You know more about Paris Hilton than you do about your own government. You still listen to pandering shallow newscasters selling non-news on the shiny lightbox in the living room. You pay more at the pump for gas and then bitch about it endlessly despite the fact that you have been told for thirty fucking years that eventually this would happen, yet you continued to buy 10mpg vehicles as status symbols and moved 75 miles away from where you worked so you could have a 3,000 square foot house that turns out you still couldn’t afford. You willfully ignored saving money, instead spending money faster than you could make it.

You are children. Greedy, shallow, reactionary, unthinking children who are easily led by the prettiest voice attached to the pretties face. Obama being elected wont change who you are. If you are lucky, it might set in motion policies that will eventually change who you are, but not for another generation or two. You idiots need to die off first.

Yes I’m an elitist. I’m entitled to be one, I’m not as stupid as most people. I didn’t NEED to see the shitfest we are in now, to change my tune like most of you did. I predicted things were going to hell, and most of you idiots just regurgitated the latest verbal sewage you heard from your own personal pundit savior screaming “911911911911!!” . I have been vindicated fully, and you have been shown to be wrong on every single position you have held as a people-- socially (no child left behind, abstinence only sex education*), economically (housing market, lending debacle*), Environmental (water shortages, climate change, extinctions*), energy (oil pricing, ethanol*), the list goes on...

This country is in a pit, and you honestly think four years of a guy in office who can actually string together two coherent thoughts will pull us out? What, you think Iraq will miraculously become peaceful? The economy will just right itself? That the rest of the world will stop hating us and the price of oil will drop? That your home will miraculous start going up in value 50% every year? That the global climate will stabilize back to the way it was fifty years ago and you can all go back to watching American Idol on your big screen TV while lovingly looking out the widow at your Lincoln Navigator parked out front and thinking “Hey, I think I’ll go for a spin…”

It WONT. Things are still going to hell, your life and standard of living is going to continue to decline (deservedly). Your sons and daughters are going to continue to die for a lost cause, and be remembered with pity rather than pride, like the Vietnam Vets are now. Global climate will continue to change, food price will continue to rise because we haven’t got an infrastructure to fall back on when the cost of shipping everything by truck keeps going up.

You have been fucking things up for a long time. And now your going to pay for it.

So why vote for Obama? Well, I don’t know... How much better off do you think we would have been in this country if 9/11 had happened with ANYONE other than Bush and his cronies in power? How about Katrina? How about our economy? You voted for the worst possible leadership at the worst possible time in our history. Don’t make that mistake twice…. Oh sorry… you already DID that…Try not to make that mistake a third fucking time in a row. You stupid mindless assholes.

If you do fuck up again, so help me, I hope Apophis** hits us dead center in this country just so I can watch you all die in a fiery holocaust.



*I was going to link to relevant information for each of these, but then realized that if you were too moronic to research that shit on your own, I wasn't going to waste any more of my precious time making it easier for you.

** But this is worth linking to if only to give you one more thing for your teeny tiny mouse brain to worry about. OMG!! the sky is falling... AGAIN!!!

Dear Ron Paul supporters

Recently, your zombie-horde internet tactics resulted in a complete nullification of the already marginal usefulness of the CNBC online poll of the Republican debate. This caused a series of events that culminated in the editor feeling the need to put out an open letter to you all explaining why they felt the need to stop the madness.

He had his say, but really he only spoke for a minority. I have decided it is my duty to speak for the rest of us who have endured your stench these last few months on the internet...

Congratulations, you have successfully moved me away from ambivalence about your candidate. It used to be that I cared little for his positions but lacked any real internal combustion regarding him as a candidate. You have all changed that for not only myself but I suspect everyone else who isn’t YOU.

You have tainted the internet worse than anything possible from the best efforts of the deepest oubliettes of 4chan. You have turned sites like Digg and Wikipedia and endless lists of online discussion forums into a frothing vat of your political semen like a bukkake party the size of Manhattan.

Your endless, mindless and unimaginative boosting makes Rush Limbaugh ditto heads look like a bunch of fucking Rhodes Scholars. Your insane fanaticism is repulsive, disgusting and most of all is as a annoying as a mosquito perched happily on the small of my back joyously sucking my life blood safe in the knowledge that I can’t swat it.

So now I have gradated from mere ambivalence to outright hatred for you and your candidate.

I would rather be punched in the nuts than see your guy get elected.

I would see this country burn to ash and the soil sown with Ann Coulter’s menstrual drippings, and all the puppies and kittens roasted alive to feed the gluttonous belly of Dick Cheney than suffer one instant with your candidate sitting on the PoUS chair.

I would rather mix my own shit with broken glass and vinegar and eat it out of Rosanne Bar’s vagina while having my testicles peeled with a cheese grater than vote for your candidate.

I would rather see George W. Bush get elected for a third term than see your guy in the oval office.

Fuck you. And please for the love of God shut up already. We all hate you. We hate you. We fucking hate you.

God DAMN, but we fucking hate you.

Here's your "Tag"

Like I have time for that kind of shit, people. C'mon.

Anyway, Here's Dick on why going into Iraq would be a bad idea (circa 1994)

Because we all know how much AP likes noir

p.s. I caught Piper watching Octocentipus Porn once.

The sick fuck.

Adrift: A Tale of the WoW

The scene: an iceberg, roughly 50 ft, in diameter, adrift on a mostly calm ocean. Three women, one man, one man dressed like a woman and a huge insect are the iceberg’s current occupants.

Angry Piper (AP): Well, this sucks.

Just Me (JM): Sure does. How the hell did we get here, anyway?

Tainted-Love (TL): Beats me. One minute I was making a list of all the reasons I hate mustard, and the next: Poof! Here we are.

Toyita (T): Eet ees horrible. Nothing to see for miles and miles. Hold me, Senhor Piper.

AP: Sure, babe.

Malach (M): I’ll tell you why we’re here. It’s because we’re the only ones who post to the WoW anymore. Everyone else reads but rarely posts. (Speaking of reading, read Fat Bug.)

Dr. Mantodea (DM): How the fuck does that get us on an iceberg in the middle of nowhere?

M: Well, you see…the way I figure it, the iceberg is one of those metaphor things…

TL: Huh?

M: You know…the iceberg is the WoW. And we’re the only thing keeping it afloat. (Read Jesusman!)

DM: (Gestures towards the Angry Piper) You telling me that fat piece of shit is actually helping us stay above the water? Not likely, assbag.

M: You’re quite hostile.

DM: Fuck you. This is just about the worst day of my life, aside from the whole turning into a bug thing. Me, stuck on an iceberg with you five douche-nozzles. Maybe I should just drown myself.

AP: Sounds like a plan, bug-boy. Let me help.

JM: Wait, guys…don’t you think we should be trying to find a way off this iceberg, instead of getting into a dick-waving contest?

TL: Actually, I’d watch a dick-waving contest…

AP: At least I still have a dick. The bug has been sexless for years.

T: Let’s hold hands. I say we pray. God will help us.

DM: Congratulations, Toyi. You’ve just guaranteed you’ll be the first person I’m going to kill and eat.

M: I think we’re stuck here until more people post regularly.

AP: Then…uh…maybe we should start, you know…pairing off.

T: Pairing off?

AP: You know…finding mates. Three girls…three…uh…make that two guys and a freak of nature.

DM: Fuck you.

M: I can’t have sex with anyone else. My wife will absolutely kill me for even considering it.

DM: OK. Who wants me, then? I’m not fussy.

T: …

JM: …

TL: …

DM: That’s just great. Screw you all.

AP: You can’t blame them. What do they have to look forward to? Revolting sex that ends with you eating their heads. And did I fail to mention you have no dick?

DM: (To JM and TL) I hope you get Hepatitis and die. Piper has it, you know.

AP: I do not! You’re just pissed off because I get three hot ladies all to myself.

JM: Umm…actually… (looks at TL)

TL: We’re way more into each other.

AP: Figures. I guess it’s for the best. I can only disappoint one woman at a time.

T: And that woman ees me! Arrrrrriba!!!

M: I wish I could sit down, but my bum will stick to the ice.

DM: Serves you right for wearing those assless chaps. And you call me the freak of nature. Put some fucking pants on.

M: NEVER!

TL: Wait…is that a boat???

JM: Oh, my goddess! It IS!

T: Eet ees huge! Like the Piper’s manly parts!

DM: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

AP: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Mantis.

DM: So’s your mother.

M: It’s coming this way!

TL: Is that…

JM: Can it be???

M: It’s the S.S. Murk-errific!!!

DM: But Dr. Murk is dead…isn’t he?

A large harpoon thunks into the ice, dragging the iceberg towards the colossal ship. Suddenly, a brightly-colored figure appears over the rail of the boat, brandishing a star-spangled shield.

Angry Veteran (AV): Ahoy there!!!

M: It’s the Angry Veteran! We’re rescued!

DM: Thank Christ. This was already getting old.

JM: How did you get this swell boat, AV?

AV: Murk willed it to me. It’s mine now. I’d change the name to the S.S. Family Values, but it’s bad luck to change the name of a boat.

TL: With Murk dead, guess you’re out of a job, huh?

AV: Not exactly…

DM: Fascinating. Can we get the fuck out of here now?

AV: Sure. Climb aboard, all.

They all scramble up the ladder. The Angry Piper is last. Some might think this is for chivalry’s sake, but in truth he was hoping to see up the girls’ skirts. Instead, he comes face-to-face with the Angry Veteran at the top of the ladder.

AV: Sorry. Boat’s full.

AP: What? Stop screwing around. It’s a huge boat.

AV: Right. You can’t come on. Murk wouldn’t have wanted it.

AP: Murk’s dead. Now let me on!

AV: No. Besides, I work for someone else now, and he doesn’t want you aboard either.

AP: Get the fuck out of my way or so help me…

The Angry Veteran slams his star-spangled shield into the Angry Piper’s face, dislodging him from the ladder. He falls 30 feet, landing on the hard ice below sprawled in his kilt, his dangly unmentionables in full view.

AP: Ouch.

DM: Wow. He is huge.

AV: Hey Piper!! My new boss, Hobbs von Wackamole, sends his love and says, and I quote: “I’m back, bitch!” I’m also supposed to give you something. Wait a sec!

The Angry Veteran disappears below decks, returning after a few minutes holding a box at arms length. He drops the box overboard, where it shatters on the ice, dislodging a very irate skunk.

AV: Have fun making friends! AV...out!

HI, I'm a Marvel...And I'm a DC

Yup, it's your fault.

We live in a society that craves attention, and craves giving attention. That's the reason why things like blogs and MySpace and YouTube and reality TV are the new cornerstones of society that they are. It's the reason why shills like Dr. Phil and Jack Thompson spout their verbal pus for the cheering crowds. It's the reason why NBC thought that it was a good idea to publish the rantings of a lunatic on national TV, thus giving the loser the very thing he wanted, national exposure.

And it's the reason why you fucking watched all of it. Its the reason why you had your eyes glued to the goddamn TV watching CNN and Fox news channel endlessly replay the same mantra;

Reporter: "There was a shooting. We don't know anymore, but we'll keep showing you the same stale footage over and over anyway, as we speculate about what COULD BE the actual facts. Don't go away, because you might miss something important! Now, a word for our sponsors."

Commercial: 'Do you have erectile dysfunction?....'"

And so on, for how many hours?

You're pathetic.

You have no life. You have no sense of your own destiny or your own worth. You endlessly run drooling from one spectacle to the next instead of reading a great work of literature, or designing an house, or learning a new skill, or inventing something, or mentoring the next generation. You roll around in a cesspit of endless gossip instead of sitting down with friends and family to talk about things that actually matter. You sit with your thumb up your ass rather than use your time to make yourself better. For fuck's sake, you don't even bother taking the time to switch thumbs once in a while.

Some loser, who was mentally ill, lost his shit and killed 33 people, the last one being himself. It's a shame he didn't start from the opposite order. It's a shame everyone is wallowing in fake sympathy and melodramatic selfish shared tragedy all of a sudden, when shit like this is happening every day to equally good and innocent people in other parts of the world. It's a shame that instead of working to change the world to make it a better place you just look for the next big thing to ring your hands about uselessly, or look for some way to stick the blame on your chosen enemies, whoever they may be.

And you're still doing it because you're reading yet another post on a fucking blog that doesn't mean anything, and as a result the world has gone unchanged by you for a couple of minutes more.

As I said, you're pathetic.

Get out of my sight.

The Difference Between Cats and Dogs

The difference between dogs and cats can be demonstrated by a simple test. When you point at something, even though dogs have no hands or fingers of their own, they understand that you are pointing at something and look in the direction you are pointing.

Cats look at your finger.

Cats are fucking stupid.

This is allegorical to religious fundamentalists who take the bible literally word for word as opposed to reading it for the messages that it is meant to convey. Por exemple, the book of genesis isn't really about the creation of the universe, that's just filler, background. The creation story is there to provide a backdrop for the characters-- the first humans, who end up, though their flawed human nature, falling from grace. This is followed by later stories of Cain killing able and Noah's Ark, which are also meant to talk about human nature and other rot, ad naseum. The point of the stories are the characters. Agree with their points or not, it's obvious to anyone who passed 6th grade reading that the stories are there to serve as parables and lessons on how to behave, how to overcome hardship, what foods are safe to eat, and how to slaughter a cow properly for sacrifice.

If you look at it that way, as many religious people with a functioning brain do, then you see no contradiction with science, knowledge and faith. Knowing you evolved from a common ancestor to chimps doesn't impact your spiritual life, or your faith in the Great Old One. But when a fundamentalist looks at each and every word as being literally true in these stories, they are looking at the finger, rather than what the finger is pointing at: namely the point of the damn story.

And that is why, like cats, fundamentalists are fucking stupid.

And also why they should be provided to high school biology classes, so they can be cut open to examine their small, formalin-steeped brains, before tossing them in the dumpster.

Oh, yeah.. happy fucking Easter.

“Read the Bills Act” (RTBA)

This has about as much chance of happening as Anne Coulter sucking Howie Mandel's cock. But it's an interesting idea.

Found here;

You can read the text of RTBA by clicking the Draft Legislation tab above, or you can start by reading a summary of the legislation below. Following that summary is a description of our strategy for passing RTBA, and then a call to action.

Part 1: What RTBA does and why

Most Congressmen are lawyers, and many others are businessmen. They know what “fiduciary responsibility” is. For Members of Congress, fiduciary responsibility means reading each word of every bill before they vote.

But Congress has not met this duty for a long time. Instead . . .

McCain says he misspoke in saying U.S. lives 'wasted'

Yes there lives were wasted, you pansy!!! Listen up, everyone who has been offended when Obama and McCain both said the American soldier's lives have been wasted in Iraq...

YES, THEY WERE WASTED!

For fuck's sake, that's the reason why the war is so fucked up, you cock heads. If their lives were NOT being wasted, then that would mean the war was actually going well and they were accomplishing something with their sacrifice!

They are not. Therefore when they are killed, their sacrifice is a waste. Waste is when you take something that has VALUE and expend it one something that does not return that value equally. THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING MEANS!!!!!!!!!

So yes, even though both McCain and Obama chickened out when they were called on what hey said, I'm saying it again;

THE LIVES OF OUR TROOPS WHO HAVE DIED IN IRAQ HAVE BEEN WASTED! THEY DIED FOR NOTHING! AND IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT AMERICA!

Stop getting all offended when the fucking truth is pointed out to you. Get mad at the assholes you elected and thus are RESPONSIBLE for our soldiers being killed!

The Moral of this Story?

So this 52 year old guy was sentenced to 200 years for possession of twenty images of child abuse on his computer…

This guy, however was sentenced to 152 years for actually molesting TWO twelve year old kids.

So I guess if you have sick urges it's better in this case to just give in, right? I mean the 52 year old pervert is clearly a danger to society, and should be somehow dealt with, but I'm a little tired of seeing crazy shit like this when you have people convicted of actually murdering and raping out of jail after a mere 30 years.

One would almost think sentencing laws are based on the hysterical revenge fantasies of society instead of justice.

A public service announcement to those in the Boston area

Do not use http://boston.openguides.org for anything. I know it may come up first on a Google search, if you type in a location name, but the place is actually as useful as a screen door in a submarine.

I looked up a place using them and the address was totally wrong. Too bad I didn't find this out until I missed the event I was trying to get to!

Why?

Because the site is an wiki. Not only that, it's a wiki with NO sign up requirements, you can just post anonymously, and thus anyone can add whatever the fuck they want! That's a bad enough problem with intentional vandalism, but it's even worse when you let some passenger on the internet shortbus post their idiocy.

So I ask a simple question; Why the FUCK do you have a site that is supposed to be a "go to" for finding places in Boston if you, as the reader, can't trust that any of the shit that is there is real?! For fuck's sake, if you want a site that lets people post opinions about great spots in Boston fine, but don't have a field for the ADDRESS and PHONE NUMBER if that is not guaranteed to be 100% accurate! Why is that such a hard concept!?

Assholes. Stupid stupid assholes.

I hope they catch on fire.

The Judgement of Dr. Mantodea

I found out later that Pooh's bullet, under contract from Murk, had exploded my green cranium like a melon. At the time I just felt a little sting, then I was weightless and floating towards a beautiful light. A Sense of peace overcame me, no doubt because all my stresss hormones were still back on Earth seeping from my ruptured skull.

As I ascended, the world around me turned to white clouds and light. I heard beautiful singing and children's laughter. As I came to stand on a ground that was made of pure cosmic energy, I saw a mighty gate open and a before me, sitting on a throne of pure light, was a gigantic figure, clad in silver and gold robes and his face obscured by a sun-like radiance that prevented me from looking directly at it.

[YAHWEH] COME FORWARD, MY CHILD, YOU HAVE COME BEFORE ME FOR JUDGMENT OF YOUR LIFE AND NOW KNOW THE TRUTH.

[Mantodea] "Holy shit!"

[YAHWEH] "DO NOT BLASPHEME"

[Mantodea] "What?"

[YAHWEH] "..."

[Mantodea] "You... You have got to be fucking kidding me! You mean they were right when they said you would care about shit like that?!"

[YAHWEH] "AS WRITTEN IN LEVITICUS TWEN..."

[Mantodea] "Whoa, Whoa, hold the frak on there, Toothfairy-Supreme, I didn't ask you to quote scripture. I can get that same shit without having to die first. You're sitting right in front of me! I want YOU to tell ME what YOU think, in 2007 American English."

[Mantodea] "Are you the biblical God that the Christians and Jews and Muslims follow?"

[YAHWEH] "I AM"

[Mantodea] "And do you condemn those who refuse to follow the word of the bible because there is not proof?"

[YAHWEH] "I SHALL NOT BE TESTED BY MAN! FAITH IN ME REQUIRES NO PROOF."

[Mantodea] "What the hell was with the plagues of Egypt then? Kinda proving shit there, weren't ya?"

[YAHWEH] "THE PHARAOH FOLLOWED HIS FALSE GODS, AND DID NOT HEED THE WARNING OF MY PROPHET."

[Mantodea] "Maybe the fact that you "hardened his heart" so he wouldn't listen might have had something to do with that. Oh, and I like the way you punished all those innocent kids who had no choice in the matter, but because they are the wrong ethnic group it was okay to kill them with the creeping death..."

[YAHWEH] "..."

[Mantodea] "Anyway... it's not important. I'm just asking-- is an atheist or an animist, or a Native American in the wrong because they don't believe some fat missionary who claims to speak for you?"

[YAHWEH] "ALL WHO ACCEPT MY PRESENCE SHALL KNOW ETERNAL LIFE AND THOSE WHO DENY IT SHALL FACE JUDGMENT FOR THEIR FOLLY. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, MY CHILD, TO QUESTION MY PLAN."

[Mantodea] "Bullshit! You gave me a brain with "Free Will" and I'm using that to question you, Maryfucker."

[Mantodea] "Like; why is it important what two lowly humans do in their bedroom if they aren't hurting anyone?"

[Mantodea] "And why is it important for people to accept you, and worship you, if they are capable of living good lives and not kill anyone without doing so?"

[Mantodea] "Why are you so uptight about people inquiring about the universe you made for us? Why is it wrong for us to use the brains you gave us for something other than memorizing your scriptures?"

[Mantodea] "And why is it OUR fault for not believing in You, if the only reasons we are given are from other, very flawed, mortals telling us you exist?!"

[YAHWEH] "MY PRESENCE IS OBVIOUS TO THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE OPEN TO ME"

[Mantodea] "But how are we supposed to open our hearts to you if we don't have a reason to think you're real? Are we supposed to just guess which faith to follow?"

[YAHWEH] "I AM THE HOLY FATHER. MY LOVE IS ETERNAL."

[Mantodea] "Yeah, my love can be eternal too, if I take enough Viagra."

[Mantodea] "Are the Christians right about your attitudes on things like premarital sex, birth control, sex education, teaching science and the role of women?"

[YAHWEH] "PRETTY MUCH"

[Mantodea] "Gays?"

[YAHWEH] "ICKY, THOUGH LESBIANS ARE KINDA HOT, UNLESS THEY'RE UGLY DYKES...THEN THEY'RE ICKY TOO"

[Mantodea] "Darfur?"

[YAHWEH] "UNFORTUNATE, BUT I HAVE TOO MANY OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT... LIKE GAYS."

[Mantodea] "G.W.Bush?"

[YAHWEH] "WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A BEER WITH HIM."

[Mantodea] "Okay then. I'm done."

[YAHWEH] "WE HAVE NOT YET STARTED YOUR JUDGMENT, DONALD MANTODEA."

[Mantodea] "Uh, don't bother. I've made MY judgment. You can save your infinite time. I renounce you."

[YAHWEH] "WHAT?"

[Mantodea] "Fuck you."

[Mantodea] "You're even more fucking pitiful that the humans who worship you. I can almost excuse them, because they have fallible human brains made up of a chemical stew that is way to easy to screw up. But you, Mr. Almighty, are just as petty and obsessive about stupid little crap as an 80 year old nun."

[Mantodea] "You created the whole freakin' universe and yet you give a shit about whether or not I jerk off to pictures of the Angry Piper in my bedroom."

[YAHWEH] "HMMM, THAT ONE ISN'T ON MY LIST. MUST HAVE SLIPPED BY, I'LL ADD THAT."

[Mantodea] "I was speaking hypothetically, you omni-idiotic-tool!"

[YAHWEH] "OH... I KNEW THAT."

[Mantodea] "You are the most powerful being in the universe, or so you claim, and yet you still have this petty need for acknowledgement by your creations. Like a six-year-old getting pissed cuz his ant farm is ignoring him. Furthermore, instead of encouraging us to develop morality based on adult concepts of ethics you insist on mandates that must be blindly followed. How is it a moral life to do the right thing because you want eternal reward or fear eternal punishment? A three-year-old will 'do the right thing' to avoid a spanking!"

[Mantodea] "I would rather spend an eternity in hell, than one more minute with you. Tell me how would being in your obnoxious presence and that of you're holier than thou..."

[YAHWEH] "THEY ARE NOT HOLIER THAT ME"

[Mantodea] "fine... holier than..er.. 'Thy'... God, I hate it when you interrupt! How would Hell be any worse? Like it's going to be a fucking eternal party hanging out with an assholes like You and Jerry Falwell?"

[YAHWEH] VERY WELL. YOU SHALL SUFFER ETERNAL TORMENT IN THE DARKNESS BY BEING KEPT FROM MY PRESENCE.

[Mantodea] "Fine!"

[YAHWEH] "FINE."

[Mantodea] "Fine!!"

[YAHWEH] "FINE!!"

--

As I plummeted earthward, I saw a vast black chasm open before me, but then I was violently jerked to the left (that always seems to happen) and found myself shooting towards Boston at unimaginable speeds.

[YAHWEH] "AH, SHIT"

I woke up coughing amniotic fluid as my newest clone revived in the vat. I noticed the conveyer that shunts the new clones into the prep area was out of sync with the transponder I keep on my body to activate it when I die. I'll need to fix that.

Then my thoughts turned to the experience I had; the bright lights, the sense of peace, and the conversation with the Almighty.

"What a fuckin' putz" I thought to myself.

"I then went up to my room to spend some alone time with the Angry Piper's photo."

--

Attention Felllow Massholes.

Get a freakin clue!

Now that Murk is finally done attention whoreing like a high school cheerleader who got dumped by the Math Club president.




Check out this site and see if you really support the candidate for G’vnor you think you do, or if you actually support Zombie Jessie Helms (He’s a write-in).


http://www.votebyissue.org/election2006/




.

The American Electorate Are The Real Traitors.

Murk's post about the nonesense that is U.S. politics shows how it's easy to pontificate about how we need better politicians who are not a member of either of the two big parties, but for those of you who persist in this dream, I'll just say that you're all as screwed as a nun in a prison movie. You're screwed because the only way for elected officials to stop pandering to the special interests and playing the public for a bunch of rubes is for the public to actually take their responsibility as citizens in a representative democratic republic seriously. In other words you will never see your government clean its act up as long as your neighbors are such traitors.

Why are they traitors? because they willfully shirk their duty as voters and put people into office time an time again who are not qualified for postions tha are vital to our national security and national prosperity.

Why do the politicians follow the money? Because in order to hammer their message into the thick skulls of the barely aware electorate they need to spend millions on media advertising blitzes, and advertising has to use simple, neatly packaged rhetoric to penetrate. (That message being "Elect me, I'm swell! Or more often "Elect me, 'cuz the other guy is a cock!") So no issue will ever get the intelligent approach it deserves as long as the only way to talk about it publicly follows the same rules for advertising that are used to sell sneakers.

Why do politicians fixate on meaningless wedge issues while ignoring the things that actually matter to the daily lives of people? (You know.... like Gay Marriage?) Because the electorate are childish in their thinking, they don't bother to approach civics like an adult. The only issues that get any traction with the majority of voters are these hot-button, emotional, but ultimately meaningless, propaganda topics. The fact that you can get votes just by saying you will lower taxes without actually have to outline in minute detail how you will work that into the governing budget, is a prime example of how stupid and uninterested the voting public is.

It's easy to blame the politicians for being the wretched scum sucking child molesting bunch that they are, but the electorate are the ones who keep leaving the chicken coop doors open for the foxes (weasels is more appropriate), the electorate are the ones who keep listening to the loudest most obnoxious voices, while never expending any effort to actually find qualified candidates. Candidates who might not be the most dynamic personalities but might actually be qualified to make decision on our behalf that are intelligent. It's the electorate that keeps falling for the same shit every two years, and they don't care! They are like a mother who keeps dating convicted sex offenders and doesn't bother to think of the risk to her kids.

"I've been dating Rocco for a month. Sure he just got out of prison for fondling a 13 year old, but he did his time and said he was reformed, and so I see no reason not to trust him with my 12 year old daughter while I go out with my girlfriends."

Americans have the government they deserve because they are chumps who deserve to be used and taken advantage of by con man politicians. For all I care, until they start actually paying attention and taking their responsibility as citizens seriously, they can keep dying in pointless wars, keep watching their kids grow up stupid, keep breathing bad air, eating shitty food, and barely scratch out a living in what is laughably called the American Middle Class. They deserve to languish in suburban misery because every single one of them who voted for some slimeball based only on the information they got from campaign commercials and what the TV news told them is a traitor to the United States.

And hangin's too good for traitors.

One More Reason to be a Proud American

Isn't this amazing...

1. Fuck around and do nothing about threats you were warmed about by your own intelligence agencies, thus being caught flat footed on 9-11

2. Start war under false pretense, get thousands of people killed, ruin beyond immediate repair our international relations with just about everyone. Not to mention squander the international goodwill we were given by just about everyone in the wake of 9-11.

3. Totally botch post-war, and create a breeding ground for generations of terrorists, and over extend our military so much that we are practically toothless to countries like Iran.

4. Completely cock-up the response to the Katrina disaster, and cleanup.

5. Take away habeas corpus in the name of “protecting us”.

6. Become the most corrupt politcal party in living memmory.

All of that, and the Republican machine keeps chugging strong… Oh, but wait;

Lucky Number 7; Congressman reveals that he is a pervy perv, and made some teenagers a bit uncomfortable with inappropriate e-mails and Instant msgs, and it was covered up by others (probably because they have equally pervy shit in their closets…)

And all of a sudden, they are scrambling like mad. Their whole ship could actually conceivably sink because of this one scandal.

Rest of World, let me present to you American Politics; We don’t let important shit derail our political parties, just stuff that squicks us out.

Our electorate base their decision making processes about who they vote for just like they were still in high school.

We get the government we deserve, or rather I should say, YOU assholes do, I didn’t vote for any of these fucking chumps.

-

Dr Murk's and Piper's Theme Video

Except they are even more white and nerdy.


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Gosh, The Fake World is a Crowded Place.

Yesterday I was sitting at the bus stop and some knuckle dragging tool with a southern accent answered back to some college kid when asked about what he thought of Iraq

"You're the only ones who obsess on that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the most part."

He went on to say he has difficulty understanding the motivations behind the violence in Iraq.

"It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people," he said. "Why do they kill people of other religions because of religion? Why do they hate the Israeli's and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."

…

Oh wait, that’s right, that wasn’t some auto mechanic who never
graduated high school saying all that shit at the bus stop, it was the good
Senator Trent Lott talking to reporters in DC!

At what fucking point do people start to look at their politicians and expect some degree of statesmanship, and not the kind of crass arrogant ignorance you would see Boss Hog exhibit in the Dukes of Hazard? Okay granted, he is representing the folks of Mississippi, who keep voting him in, so I suppose he is doing a good job representing their complete lack of intelligence.

Lott… How can you say you don’t understand it? Have you bothered to listen to ANYONE who actually is an expert in the Middle East? They might have a fucking clue for you as to the motivations! I hear they got that information by actually educating themselves on the region!

The Republicans are so engaged in Group Think they just have no idea how bad it looks when they say shit like that. No one cares?!! Yeah, I guess not.

Well I’m sure Lott’s seat is very secure even if he were running for re-election, but it will be interesting to see just how little people care after November has run it’s course, and how many Republicans come back to clean out their desks.

Though I still don’t want the Dems (Or any mythical third party) to win back power this time around because there is no way the problems are getting fixed in the next two years, and I would prefer the assholes who shat in their own bathtub got to bathe in it a little longer.


___

Bad People Don't Deserve Your Help.

At first I didn't understand why some people actually have such a hardon for hating the unfortunate. I see this aimed at homeless people, poor people on welfare, drug addicts, troubled youth, illegal immigrants etc...

Homeless people for example, seem to be the object of great spite by many otherwise nice middle-class people. As soon as they see a homeless person they spit out invective poison at them. Yet the homeless are people who most of us really have no idea about. You don't know these people. You don't know if they are homeless because they are mentally ill, or because they ran away from a sexually abusive stepfather, or because they are just having a shitty spat of luck, or if they are just being "lazy". You know nothing about them, yet you automatically cast derision on them as a group, as if they all share some kind of common characteristic other than being homeless.

Then it hit me. The reason why you want to hate them is because then it's easy to not feel guilty about not doing anything to help them. You see, they are "Bad People" and bad people don't deserve your help, because they deserve what they get.

Who are bad people? Well let's see if I can make a list from memory;

Drug addicts, because they should have known when they were 16 that addiction was such a powerful force, and thus avoided giving in to peer pressure. And if they wanted to turn their life around they would just "buck up" and clean up their lives.

Teenagers who engage in unprotected sex, and thus get pregnant or get HIV. Again, because there is nothing more evil than a young person who is not acting like a responsible adult.

Welfare mothers, (their kids are also bad people since the Bible says that sins of the father shall be visited upon the son.)

Homeless pan handlers, because they get to loaf around all day getting handouts.

Illegal immigrants, because they have cheated our fair and balanced legal system and are letting themselves be exploited by American businesses.

Residents in the Developing World (or Iraq for that matter), because they are all just savages who want to do nothing but kill each other. None of them actually want to make a better life or change anything. They just like being slaughtered by rebel factions on Monday and government forces on Tuesday and then a natural disaster on Wednesday.

As you can clearly see, these are all Bad People, because good people have jobs. Good people don't do drugs. Good people don't make life-ruining choices when young. Good people have houses, they go to church, and they pay their taxes. Good people don't live in bad places, and they certainly don't stay there, since it's so easy to immigrate legally to where good people like us live.

How convenient that good people don't really need any fucking help, unless you consider lending them your hedge clippers or giving their kids a lift to the soccer game to be helping them.

So I've figured it out. It's the way you people deal with guilt. You can't handle just honestly saying you don't want to help those who are having a shitty life, after all, that would be Un-Christian (Un-Muslim, Un-Humanist, Un-American, whatever). Bad people get what they deserve and therefore you don't need to feel as bad about stepping over them when they are lying passed out on the street.

So give up trying to fool the rest of us with your long drawn out reason for why some unfortunate person is not worthy of your pity. Because you would save a lot of time by just being honest about the fact that you just don't want to give a flying fuck about anyone who actually requires real help.

It's okay, you're certainly not alone in that sentiment. You're in the company of a large number of other Good People ™.

Can we freakin settle this already?

OKay look... I'm The Helpful Critic, and so's my wife.

There, the joke is now officially finished.

Moving right along.

This Hole In the Ground

I let people be. Pretty much evrything I could have said has been said better by both those talking about the pain they felt on that day and since, So I kept my mouth shut. Also ironically, the other kinds of things I would have said have been summed up perfectly by a mainstream news commentator.

This hole in the ground

I'll just say, I hope plenty of people took some time out of their solemn observances to listen to this guy remind them of the other reasons they should be hurt and angry.

Germaine Greer to World; “Hey everyone, look at me! I’m a douche-bag!”

No-nothing pampered one book wonder author Germaine Greer was quoted as saying on a talk show Wednesdaythat Steve Irwin was an "embarrassment" and a "self-deluded animal torturer."

Speaking on Australian TV Channel Nine's "A Current Affair" news program Wednesday, Greer described those who mourned Irwin's passing as "idiots" and said possibly millions of Australians were embarrassed by him.
Greer said Irwin had not treated animals with the respect they deserved.

"He would tell you how dangerous they were and he would proceed to intrude on their space and humiliate (them) really -- treat them with massive insensitivity," she said. "It's no surprise he came to grief."

After making her comments, she immediately jumped up, ripped off her clothing and smeared herself with feces, screaming in an earsplitting falsetto "Look at MEEEE! I'm so edgy! I'm an iconoclast....seee?... Look at me clasting this Irwin icon!" The talking body cavity went on so say that she always hated Irwin because "People liked him" and added finally that she liked to kick cancer patients in the groin because they're "...always moaning and laying about."
____

Hey, I know, lets persecute her! That'll be fun! I like persecuting people who I hate!


Everyone go to her book's site on Amazon.com and write a nasty review. I know you haven't read it, neither have I, that's alright because if she can shoot her vagina dentata mouth off without knowing anything about what she is talking about, so can we!

Strippers used to draw large crowds at funerals

Five people have been detained in China for running striptease send-offs at funerals, state media say.

The once-common events are held to boost the number of mourners, as large crowds are seen as a mark of honour.

But the arrests, in the eastern province of Jiangsu, could signal the end of the rural tradition.

Local officials have since ordered a halt to "obscene performances" and say funeral plans have to be submitted in advance, Xinhua news agency said.

The arrests, in Donghai county, followed striptease acts at a farmer's funeral, the agency said.

Blah blah blah more stupid shit...; the article continues, go to the site if you want to read the rest.

Yet another example of people just missing the point.

Did any of these yahoos stop to think that the reason why having more people at your funeral increases your honor is because, you know, more people think highly enough of you to go to your funeral? If they all show up just to see some tits, how the fuck does that increase the honor of the deceased?!

Idiots.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Tits and Ass are a fine thing to have pretty much anywhere, and frankly if they want to do it, I say more power to them. But the whole stupidity of the reason why they are doing it makes my stomach hurt.

The Death Tax... again...

Once again the Republicans tried to pass a massive tax cut tied to an increase in the minimum wage. Not surprisingly, it was blocked by the Democrats.

Proponents of repealing the estate tax (called Death Tax by its detractors) has long been cited by the Washington cronies as a boon for “the family farm and small family business”.

Attention: wealthy assholes and poor morons who listen to them.

FYI; you don’t need to pay any taxes on inherited estates until the value of said estate hits $2,000,0001

In 2009 that exemption will grow to $3,500,001 (7 million for a married couple).

So please, shut the fuck up already about it. If you are not making enough to pay it, you aren’t effected, and if you are making enough to pay it, cry me a fucking river of dollar bills.

And if you think this source is biased then please put your money where you mouth is and provide a reputable site that presents alternate numbers.

http://www.cbpp.org/pubs/estatetax.htm

The Symbol-Minded are Simple-Minded.

Every election year around this time we get the Uber Patriots pushing for the passage of a Constitutional amendment preventing the desecration of the American flag. Because as everyone knows, if there is one thing the founding fathers expected, was for the Constitution to have an amendment added for such a trivial thing. Don't think it's trivial? Keep reading this and you'll see why if you support a flag burning amendment you're a total baby. Not to mention a rube, because the only reason why this thing gets brought up is for the politicians to play on your emotions during an election year.

The amusing thing is; the uber patriots I see every 4th are disrespectful of the flag in far worse ways that some hippy setting fire to it.

You want to show how damn patriotic you are, how about you start by educateing yourself and read the fuckin RULES OF THE FLAG!

Here is a page that covers the rules of the flag. You may not be able to handle all of them, (since it requires that you actually retain what you READ), but there are some pretty basic ideas even a drooling idiot like yourself can integrate into your swiss-cheese like brain.

Guess what, square head, the American flag on the paper plates, the napkins and the shirt you wear, as well as the sun bleached pink and blue sticker you have on your back windshield are all desecrations to the flag! The flag isn't a logo! It's The Flag! Eating your 4th of July wieners off of it, then wiping your filthy drooling mouth with the napkin and sweating your fat ass off on the shirt are NOT RESPECTFUL, they are soiling it!

Oh and the cheap plastic or cloth flag, are made in China! You clueless whelp! Yeah, they may say MADE IN AMERICA but that just means the cheap scrap of cloth was stapled to the stick here, all the components were made in the Middle Kingdom.

So, how is that dirty hippy burning the flag in protest showing it more respect than you are with your display of that Flag-themed tablecloth? Here are three reasons;

A: At least they are actually participating in their democratic society by staging a protest, something you probably can't be bothered to do.

B: By burning the flag, they are demonstrating what makes this country better than China, they get to express whatever the fucking opinion they want and not get shot for it. That means someone can demonstrate political ideals in ways that YOU don't like.

C: The proper way to dispose of a flag is to BURN IT! Did you properly dispose of all those "flags" you used on the last Fourth of July? Or are they buried under a ton of filth in the local landfill?

Finally, to my main point; What is your justification for wanting a flag burning amendment to the Constitution?

You say "Oh, I find it offensive!"

In other words; "It hurts my FEEEELIIINGS!"

You want some cheese with that whine?

Think about that! You want the government to be able to arrest people because they HURT YOUR FEELINGS! What are you, five years old?! What is with you people and wanting the government to shield you from anything that might make you cry, whether it's other people getting married, or Janet Jackson's tit on TV?

Stop being such an embarrassingly weak person! Stop shaming your countrymen with such juvenile emotional insecurity! You're living in a free country, show us that you deserve that privilege by acting like an adult who can pay the price for freedom with even a tiny bit of mental courage!

Grow up!

But if you're just incapable of having your political testicles drop, then this evening, when walking around, dribbling your Schlitz beer on your worn out red white and blue T-shirt, with the yellow stains under the arm, do us all a favor and please try to get as close to the fireworks as possible. Make like a moth, and go towards the pretty lights.

Don't let the safety fence stop you.

I Think I Want the Guys at The Onion to Pick Lottery Numbers for Me.

I realy should put their amazing predictive powers to good use.

Bush: 'Our Long

National Nightmare Of

Peace And Prosperity Is

Finally Over'

January 17, 2001 Issue 37•01

WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

So, some Christian Nut decided to try and destroy a porn store using a WMD he must have read about how to make on the back on a cereal box.

So…. Okay, here’s the thing; Both the Christians and the Muslims have equal inspiration for violent martyrdom in their holy texts. Though I do think the Muslims get a better deal with the whole paradise thing.. I mean your choice is either, you get to “Bask in the Glory of the Lord…playing some fuckin harp....” if you’re a Christian martyr, or “72 virgins…”. If you’re a Muslim martyr..

I know what I would choose*.

But aside from that, you have Muslims, who live in impoverished third world countries where they don’t have a pot to piss in, and yet can create homemade devices that tear through an armored vehicle.

Here in the US you have a Christian terrorist who can’t even successfully fuck up a porn store.

There is a lesson here folks. Mainly that Christians terrorist are like that kid on Beavis and Butthead who wore the Winger T-shirt. So lame that even Beavis and Butthead look cool compared to them.

Fucking lame. Richest mother fucking country on the PLANET, and this rube couldn’t make a simple Weapon of Mass Destruction massive or destructive enough to successfully take out a place that provides porn to lonely guys (like the Angry Piper).

I’m telling you, Jesus must be shaking his head in disappointment at the sheer lameness of this wannabe Soldier of Gawd. Of course, the fact that he is a terrorist in the town of friggin Waldo, should be a clue to his utter lamosity.

Jesus must be saying to himself… “Fuckin eh, man. Did these cunts listen to anything I said? I mean, I told freakin Paul, in one of dem psalms, I says; ‘Yo, dog, you gotta use ‘splosives n’ shit, if your gonna blow up assholes who don’t agree widju!’ Tha’s right!”

And where the fuck IS Waldo Florida, anyway?



*Though that clearly would SUCK if you were a female martyr and got stuck with 72 male virgins who wouldn’t be able to figure out where to put their heavenly dicks.

Oh, “Americans”, Please Shut the Fuck UP, Already

So rather than just post comments to the wonderful, enlightened post that YPG showed us, I decided to respond to it in a more direct way. Mainly because i'm an asshole like that.

None of this is directed at YPG because he/she did not actually write the original post, they were just pasting it from another source. For this, we should be grateful, as it spares us from having to actually hang around forums where this kind of nonesense is frequent. I decided to duplicate the earlier post, (with some formatting fixes) so that I may pretend I have these mucus brains sitting across from me at a bar. The only thing missing is me, at the end of my conversation, breaking a heavy glass beer stein across their fucking faces.

Now keep in mind this may not even be REAL, it may be just one more of those internet trolls posted out there to get attention. These sentiments are real, though, I encounter them all the time, so I'll humor it and vent right back.

I've enhanced the original bullshit parts with red italics for ease of telling who is speaking. Though, you can also tell because I don't sound like I have Bill O'Reilly's hand stuck up my ass.

So here we go:

Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continueto make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries thatcame to live in America because it is the Country of Choice?????? Think about it!

Think about it? You clearly ascribe to the “Do as I say, not as I do” philosophy on life, huh, bub?

All we have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas...........but because it isn't celebrated by everyone.............we can no! longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season'sGreetings.

Who? Who the hell is telling you that you can’t say Merry Christmas? Where the fuck are the laws on the books stating you can’t say those two words? Where? Who is currently serving time, or paying a fine for breaking the oppressive Politically Correct Act of 2006?

There aren’t any. What changes are being forced on you? Your just showing what a pansy ass whiny American you are by using the words FORCED to describe people asking you to maybe consider other language on occasion. You want to know what being forced is? Go to Iran, then you see what it means to be forced to do anything. You goddamn pussy.

It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how thiswinter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday?

Winter Break, also corresponds to Hanukah, and the Solstice, and to Kwanzaa*, and New Years, and why the fuck do you even CARE!? It’s a break between classes in the winter! It has no religious role to play. I guess it isn’t a big enough gimmie that Christmas is a federal holiday, where everything is closed except for the 7-Eleven.

We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone,that I am now being offended. But it seems that no one has a problem withthat. This says it all! This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper. He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!

Oh, well I guess the fact that he is an American citizen somehow means he is a fucking genius and so should be listened too, huh? Hey, guess what? I’m and American citizen too, so listen up cuz I have something I want you to read:

I’ll start by sniping at the sharp-as-a-marble points this flatlander tries to make.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However...... the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct! " crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

The fact that you have used the term "politically correct" in the first paragraph shows that you are a stereotypical Politically Ignorant jackass. And I’m tired of hearing morons like you say how tired you are of being called to task for offending folks. Guess what, cum breath, people like you have been saying this shit forever. Maybe you’ll eventually catch on that the world doesn’t fucking revolve around your pitiful little life. Grow a Pair! If you’re tired of people being offended, tough shit! Either change your behavior or get used to being called an asshole, that’s how it works. If you’re so Goddamn sure of your rightness, then shut up and take it! The only thing you change when you bitch is, instead of just being called an asshole, now you’re called a whiney asshole.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who isseeking a better life by coming to America.

Translation: “I have no problem with immigrants, as long as they know their place”

Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here , need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans...... we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions ofmen and women who have sought freedom.

You mean the struggles by blacks, women, Native Americans, Asians, Jews? All against the status quote than people like you tied to protect at the time? Or does your memory stop right after the Revolutionary War, when it was white men who were fighting for rights?

And what is this sovereignty shit? Like we are in danger of Canada and Mexico invading and taking away our land? What century do you live in? The one I live in is the one where the US is the undisputed superpower of the world.

Oh, I get it, you’re worried them damn swarthy spics are gonna turn our country brown, is that it?

We speak ENGLISH , not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!

Right because it isn’t like they aren’t doing that, or anything. Nah immigrants never try to learn English when they are here. But languages don’t just pop into your head out of whole cloth. I wouldn’t expect you to know this since you, like most Americans, probably only speak English. But you’re right, they aren’t very good at speaking English after being here a couple of years. I guess they could always enroll in all those free, high quality English classes offered in their own countries before they come over here, huh?

No one is endagering the English language, except our own President who can’t utter a single line without butchering it. And our own piss poor education system which turns out kids who can’t read at an 8th grade level.

Spanish and other language services are offered because of two reasons; one is free market economics, if you want to sell to people who are fluent in Spanish and not so fluent in English, then you offer them services in Spanish. The other reason is that it takes time to learn another language. So alternate language social programs are offered to bridge that gap and make it easier for them to assimilate.

I’m sure you, like most people with your juvenile opinion can’t appreciate this. Like I said, you probably don’t speak another language yourself. Most Americans like you are pitifully provincial and narrow minded when it comes to exploring anything outside your own fucking state let alone your precious God Blessed nation.

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, rightwing, political slogan.. We adopted this motto because Christian men andwomen.......on Christian principles............. founded this nation..... and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.

Bullshit, the founders of this country, the ones who wrote the fucking constitution were not all what you would recognize as Christian, many were deists. If you actually read anything about them, you would know this, but like most Americans you have no working knowledge of your own country’s history. And I have news for you sunshine, the Christians who you are referring to, who first landed here, would not care much for your religion either, nor do I think you would welcome them into your flock, unless you’re a Puritan or a Calvinist. You can find out more about Deists, Puritans and Calvanists in these things called books.

And speaking of our motto tracing back to our forefathers; Our National Motto was not In God We Trust until 1956, you ignorant twat! From 1776 to 1955, it was “E Pluribus Unum”. The “In God We Trust” bullshit was adopted as our motto (as opposed to just being a slogan on our money**) for Cold War propaganda to show the world what difference there was between us and them there godless commies. Apparently, the fact that we didn’t (usually) shoot our citizens when they dissented wasn’t enough of a difference.

Since I already know you’re too uneducated to be able to translate it yourself, I’ll translate for you: “E Pluribus Unum” means “One From Many”. Think about that. But don’t think too hard, you might blow a gasket. You get bonus points back if you can at least name the language that it's in.

If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home.........because God is part of our culture.

Actually what is part of our culture is that your god doesn’t get forced down my throat by the state. It’s there in black and white.

The founders (remember them?) wrote it that way partially because you never know when your god has less votes. But mainly because historically, countries that are run by a state religion don’t turn out so good, and are not exactly big on individual liberty. Would you be so keen if the majority of Americans were Muslim and it was changed to in Allah we Trust? Think it can’t happen? Think your religion will be on top forever? You’re an idiot.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet.

So let me get this straight, if you want to be a Free American™, you must shut up and not criticize the government, the flag or society? That’s a funny definition of freedom you have there sparky. I’m sure the founding fathers would be damn proud of you.

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.

What is this culture you speak of? I’ll tell you: Rampant consumerism. A Walmart on every block. Most employment being at service industry job. An epidemic of obesity. Poor education. Xenophobia. Mindless jingoism. Political apathy. Living in fear of the invisible enemy-of-the-decade, Complete ignorance about the world around you. A totally fad driven culture of “what’s hot this year?”

THAT is American culture in the year 2006. It isn’t self reliance, it isn’t truth, justice and apple pie. It isn’t any of that shit. You can find those admirable traits among the US population if you look, but it isn’t wide spread enough to be consider a national culture.

Oh wait, lets not forget the cornerstone of American culture: Constant BITCHING about how everything that goes wrong in this country is SOMEONE ELSES fucking fault! Up until last year it as the homosexuals, a few years before that it was the liberal elite, and a few years before that it was welfare mothers.

So now you’ve milked the homosexual menace (hah, hah) for all it’s worth, and you’ve grabbed the villain of the week; the illegal immigrant, no doubt plotting the downfall of our great nation while picking fucking lettuce in California or cleaning the restrooms at your office park in New York City.

This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! But once you are done complaining....... whining..... . and griping....about our flag.......our pledge...... our national motto........or our way of life....I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other Great American Freedom...... THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

The only whining I’m seeing here if from people like you, who like the play the victim card whenever anything comes up that you don’t like. “Oh, why, oh, why are they oppressing my poor white-English-speaking-Christian-male culture!”

It is Time for America to Speak up

No, you mean it’s time for Americans who you agree with to speak up, because you have already stated that those "other people" who you are whining… and griping… about are not part of your America. I guess you just want everyone who wants things to be different to leave your country.

Well, that makes two of us. I want mouth breathers like you to stop dragging my country down with your unthinking mouth-shit. Please hop on the next plane out of here. You wont? Oh, well that sucks, now doesn't it?

No immigrant population has assimilated in the first generation, it always takes two or three generations for that to happen. If you knew anything about American history and the previous immigrant waves we have experienced, you would know that.

And yeah we have rights in the Constitution***, one of these rights is the freedom of speech, which allows people to voice their opinions that are contrary to your own. It also allows people like you to make and ass of themselves with talking point skimmed from Bill O’Reilly’s rants. It also allows someone like me to counter someone like you with a single phrase “Read A Fucking History Book!”

And there is this thing called social interaction, maybe you have heard about it. It goes like this:

You walk up to a woman and say “Merry Christmas!”

She then politely and says “I’m Muslim.” Which should have been obvious to you, due to her head-to-toe burkha.

Now, if you mother raised you right, then you say “Oh, I’m sorry, happy holiday’s.” But if you mother didn’t raise you right, maybe raised you in a fucking trailer park outside of Tampa, you can just beat your chest like Kong and say “Fuck you, bitch, I don’t gotta do nothin, I’m a ‘Merkin!” then walk away confident in your defense of this great nation's redneck values.

And what is with this American Pride shit? I don’t know about you, but I tend to only take pride in things that I have personally accomplished. The only thing most Proud Americans have accomplished is be born here. The next time you are ready to spout about your American pride, ask yourself this: What have you done to make this country the great thing that it is? You aren’t a great scientist, a mighty general, an agent for social change towards a more just society. (I know this, because those kinds of people don't talk like you do.) You didn’t fight in WW2. You’re just some smuck who works a meaningless job all day and comes home to watch American Idol, then you drink a beer, jerk off, and go to bed. Or maybe you’re some self-righteous loudmouth who writes diatribes on local newspapers in Tampa.

The next time you bitch about these immigrants, here’s a clue-by-four that I’ll hit you in the head with. These people, with minimal education, have traveled across great distances, in dangerous circumstances, with no money, to a country where they don’t speak the language, to work shit jobs, so that they can start a new life for themselves and their kids. That right there makes them more worthy of being an American than half the smucks I see ranting about how they are going to take away our culture, and our jobs.

You have all these mullet wearing assholes who were born in this, the richest country on the planet. But they jerked around in school so they got no education (despite the fact that it’s FREE here), and now are only qualified to clean toilets, and you want me to feel sorry for them, losing their job to some Mexican who never had any of those opportunities and comes over here to work? FUCK THEM!

I agree though, this country is threatened by myriad forces, not the least of which are willfully pig ignorant spoiled ass chest thumpers like you dragging us back to the 1950’s.

Some of us would like to change that, before we go the same way that other great nations have in the past when they got fat and lazy, and let those with money, but no brains, rule them. But the first step to making a change is admitting that your country isn’t a glowing paradise, and that it needs to change. And frankly, if the worst thing that happens in the next fifty years to this nation is we all start speaking Spanish, I’ll be happy.

Well.. happier. I’d be happy if I could round up all the stupid assholes like you and stick you in lab cages where I can try out some new shit I’ve been working on.



*Yeah, I know, Kwanza's a made up holiday, kind of like they all are, you shithead.

**"In God We Trust" was Introduced on the currency around the time of Civil War, so that wasn't our Founding Father's idea either, you jackass.

***Oh, and this constitution you peak of try reading it some time, here:
http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html

I know it’s long. Maybe you can do what Bush does and get someone else to break it down and “brief you on it.”


-With Love Always,
Dr. Mantodea

Still Nursing on the Gasoline Tit

So there I was, watching the Senate “pummel” the FTC about sleeping on the job and allowing the oil companies to merge to such an extent that they are no longer subject to competition. And it’s all the typical grandstanding from politicians desperate to show the American people “See? We’re outraged too!” In this election year.

Now of course the thing that runs through my ichor-filled cranium at ever single senator who was bitching at the FTC (both Dem and Republican) was “Okay douchbag… where the fuck have you been while all this shit has been going on over the years? You are just as fucking guilty as the FTC. Like you couldn’t have done something about it before?”

And like my mind was being read by Windows Media Player the very last thing on the piece was Trent Lot saying, to the Oil Companies and the FTC “You know, I don’t want to do anything crazy about this, I voted against every regulatory effort in this area for the past 30 years, but the American people are agitated about this and if there isn’t some restraint shown, things are not going to be pretty.”

Excuse me? Did I just hear you admit that this whole goddamn fucking mess is thanks to asshole big business dick suckers like YOU Mr. Lott?

Well I’m glad you feel the need to tell everyone so openly about your pro business-gob-swallowing. Not that anyone fucking cares, of course.

But you know what, America? Eat Shit. I drive a car that gets 34mpg. You can suck my cloacae. I don’t want to hear your bitching about how much it costs to fill up the tank of your gas guzzler. It isn’t like any of this shit wasn’t mentioned for the last thirty fucking years as being inevitable. Now it’s finally happening and you’re crying foul.

Choke on it.

Death Tax? You Lying Pieces of Shit!

So I just saw a commercial talking about fighting the Death Tax, “Taxation without Respiration”, financed by a conservative group using the typical targets of conservative hype; Hillary Clinton and Edward Kennedy (and some third guy who I don’t remember.)

OMG they (the evul libruls, of course) are going to take away all your money when you DIE!

Listen you brain dead, greedy, blue-blooded aristocunts, It isn’t a fucking Death Tax! It’s a tax on inherited INCOME.

In this country you pay taxes on any money that you make, did you not learn this in grade school? This includes money that is given to you. You are not being taxed when you die, your no-good–sense-of-entitlement kids are being taxed on the money they are being GIVEN by your estate. Money which they haven’t worked a fucking minute for probably, but even if they have somehow earned it, then its no different than income tax. You are not being taxed twice, they area being taxed ONCE for the cash cow they are inheriting form your moldering corpse.

Why? Because in this country your expect to make something of yourself, that’s why. Not be handed a big fat wad of bills just because you were lucky enough to be born with the same last name as a President. You get taxed on money you make, whether you get it from a job or from lubing up our granduncle’s crank six months before he kicks the bucket so you get your name on the will.

The point of this shit is to slow down the process of wealth being concentrated among an increasingly small population through successive inheritance, by redistribution of the wealth. Why? Are you fucking brain dead? Because we have finite amount of money in the country, and if fewer people have more of it, that means there is less to be spread around among the rest of us who actually work for a goddamn living. Please don’t start me on the fucking pap-smear-brained idea of Trickledown Economics. We all know the money of rich people doesn’t trickle downhill, that’s reserved for their shit.

Oh and also, most of you shitheads who have been tricked into caring about this; the “Death Tax” (Okay, it’s called: “Inheritance Tax”, say it with me; “INHERITANCE TAX”) isn’t hitting your wallet worth a damn, because you don’t have any goddamn money worth taking, anyway. It’s the fat cats who paid for that commercial to scare you who are actually being asked to pay the money back into society, the society that got them rich in the first place. How about they fucking give something back for a fucking change, huh?

Of course if you paid any goddamn attention to anything other than your moronic reality TV shows, you would realize that since Reaganomics hit us in the 80’s the gap between the rich and EVERYONE else has increased exponentially. So, clearly, the rich can afford to part with some of their hard earned (isn’t that funny) cash.

The thing that gets me is that The Rich just don’t understand history. Listen smegma-heads, history has shown that you have two choices, you either;

1). Pay a substantial amount of your money back into the society that spawned you, so that the general populace can maintain at least a chance of having a middleclass lifestyle or

2). You keep hoarding your wealth, increasingly placing the burden of the cost of living on the rest of us, until the common folk rise up and fucking KILL YOU to take all of your shit.

The choice is yours, assholes, and frankly, it won't break my heart if you choose what’s behind door number two.

A Reminder

Most of us spend our lives with the illusion that we are not to be counted among the ranks of the apes.

We forget our heritage…

Every once in a while…Some of us remember.


-Dr. Mantodea

Mind Games

An interesting, if long, article about the use of misinformation by the Bush administration. I posted the first three paragraphs, the rest is found here.

I'd be especially interested in what the Angry Veteran has to say about it, as his knowledge of these kinds of things is better than... well any of the rest of you rubes, (including me).


Mind Games

By Daniel Schulman

When the United States launched Operation Iraqi Freedom in March 2003, Sam Gardiner, a sixty-four-year-old retired Air Force colonel, was a regular on The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer on PBS, where it was his job to place the day’s events in context. As the campaign wore on, and he monitored the press coverage and parsed the public statements of military and administration officials, he at first became uneasy, then deeply concerned.

A longtime Defense Department consultant who has taught strategy at three of the military’s top war colleges, Gardiner had participated throughout the 1990s in a series of war games that simulated attacks on Iraq. He was familiar with Iraq’s military and was therefore surprised to hear officials, such as the Army Brigadier General Vincent Brooks, the deputy director of operations of Central Command’s headquarters in Qatar, tell the press of ongoing operations to eliminate “terrorist death squads.” The allegation struck Gardiner as odd. Matter-of-fact and precise in their speech, military officers would not typically refer to irregulars as “death squads.” More important, as far as Gardiner knew, in 2003, when the invasion began, Iraq had no “terrorist death squads.”

Gardiner believes that this formulation, which first entered the official vernacular a week after the invasion began, was a skillful execution of a classic propaganda technique known as the “excluded middle.” The excluded middle is premised on the idea that people, provided with incomplete but suggestive information, will draw false assumptions — in this case that Saddam Hussein had ties to terrorism and therefore to Al Qaeda (a connection that administration officials actively pushed during the run-up to the war).

Las Vegas Style Forum Posts.

Okay, you know what I hate? Well okay, you know that I hate lots of things, but here is something new that I hate; Enormous fucking sig files in forum posts.

Look, snookums, I know you want to advertise your site, or that you found this hilarious animation you just HAVE to show everyone thousands of times over. But reading a forum which allows images in sig files is like trying to read a newspaper with 95% of the space taken up by personals adds. It looks like shit, it’s painful to pick out a single sentence post from a post that has a 100x500 banner add, or dancing hamsters or farting trees in it. And worst of all, it’s really obnoxious to see the exact same banner adds over and over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over again because the same person is posting an online discussion.

I refuse to read forums that allow such high noise to signal crap, I read forums or visit websites as part of my leisure time. You would have to pay me for my time if you want me to slog through a series of posts that look like Wal*Mart puked on the computer screen. You wouldn't watch news, or a talk show that had comercials after each person finished talking, now would you?

And incidentally, my time is worth about $40/hour. Make the check out to Dr. Mantodea. Thank you.

Bill Gates is a failure, and I'll tell you why;

Here we have the consummate geek, a total nerdy computer guy. Hell, he is the archetype for the computer nerd. He makes some good, if ruthless, choices and ends up being one of the richest men ever to live on the face of the earth. He has more personal fortune than many corporations and even a few countries.

And he doesn't have a personal submarine-yacht or a personal zeppelin.

William; What. The. Fuck?

What kind of geek are you? You work 75 hours a week, take no vacation to speak of, and otherwise work like a megalomaniac dog, (just like, say... Lex Luthor), and yet you do not have a personal submersible yacht or a dirigible. Yeah, sure, you probably have a few cars and I heard your mansion is kinda cool, and I'm sure you have a private jet but that's all shit any successful real estate tycoon, football player or Don King would have. None of that has any geek cred at all.

And please don't try defending him with "Well, maybe he does have one and hasn't told anyone." The guy is a geek, and one thing ALL geeks love to do is show off their toys to rub in the face of other geeks who don't have them. So, you know he doesn't have either, and because of that; Bill, You suck, dude, you really suck.