Meet your Figureheads - The Angry Veteran

I have know him for 20 odd years
The Angry Veteran, we went to the same high school. We are friends. We were both in Drama. I know things. Exclusively for the WoW, a video the Angry Veteran did in 1989 to show off his "Rap Skills".

I am Malach, I am so proud of him

Wii are not amused

Harumpf.

So, months ago, what seven or eight months ago, Nintendo releases the Wii. It's an unanticipated runaway hit. It's fun, reliable, and only costs $250.

People were lined up for it and there were shortages. I, as usual, felt superior because I looked down upon those waiting in line for a game. Why not just wait a few weeks, and then you can go into any WalMart in America and buy one. Or even better, and my personal preference, just order it online from Amazon.

Well, I was wrong. You still can't find this damn console. Those Wii's get bought up wherever a few get in stock. Worse yet, scalpers buy up all they can so they can resell as an independent seller on Amazon - willing to sell you a $250 machine for $380. What a deal.

Anyway, I'm just dissapointed and wish that Nintendo (or "Nintendo of America" "NOA") would get this supply issue resolved.

And until you do, stop tormenting me with your damn commercials about a product I can't find to buy. Stop!!!

Pure Almond Extract

Today's quick coffee tip:

When you are done brewing your cup of joe and have poured it into your favorit big cup, try flavoring it with a capful of pure almond extract. Mmmm mmm.

Yours truly has a nice tall thermal travel mug that I fill about 6/8 to 7/8ths full of coffee, with a capful of this pure almond extract, a teaspoon of stevia powder, two packets of Splenda and fill the rest with milk.

Deeeeelicious.

PRIME TIME

>>>OPTIMUS PRIME here<<< >>>Beware the Decepticon Threat<<< >>>Beware the Product Placements<<< >>>America Drives Chevrolet<<< >>>DAMN! HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE!<<< >>>Sprite, Obey Your Thirst<<< >>>STOP IT!!!<<<

iDiots

iDiots

That's what they are, folks. People are lining up to purchase the new iPhone, which becomes available at 6 p.m. your local time.

I have a secret to tell you, iDiots: they will make more. These aren't like concert tickets where there is a limited amount of space. Apple has factories full of slave labor overseas pumping this iCrap out. You can go about your daily lives. Leave an order on Amazon. Trust me, they will deliver this to you if you hand over the cash.

I understand. You're an early adopter. You don't want to be the only one of your friends stuck with last seasons Motorola Razor. But c'mon; what's more pathetic: sitting for hours in the heat to buy one, or waiting a week or two until you can buy it at your leisure?

iDiots.

*CLICK*

WWJMD? Run, Shoot, and Blow Sh*t Up!

Don't worry kids, Uncle AV isn't going to spoil any plot points for you.

I just want you all to know that I saw it last night and it was great. It was one of those action movies that did exactly what it was supposed to do and didn't try to do anything more or less.

When I left the theater, I felt a letdown because there wasn't more movie to watch.

It was damn good.

Yippee kai yay motherfu**er!!!

WWJMD

What

Would

John

McClane

Do?

It's the question you have to ask yourself when you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What's the answer? Well, I'll find out tonight when I see Live Free or Die Hard.

Expect a full review tomorrow.

Adrift: A Tale of the WoW

The scene: an iceberg, roughly 50 ft, in diameter, adrift on a mostly calm ocean. Three women, one man, one man dressed like a woman and a huge insect are the iceberg’s current occupants.

Angry Piper (AP): Well, this sucks.

Just Me (JM): Sure does. How the hell did we get here, anyway?

Tainted-Love (TL): Beats me. One minute I was making a list of all the reasons I hate mustard, and the next: Poof! Here we are.

Toyita (T): Eet ees horrible. Nothing to see for miles and miles. Hold me, Senhor Piper.

AP: Sure, babe.

Malach (M): I’ll tell you why we’re here. It’s because we’re the only ones who post to the WoW anymore. Everyone else reads but rarely posts. (Speaking of reading, read Fat Bug.)

Dr. Mantodea (DM): How the fuck does that get us on an iceberg in the middle of nowhere?

M: Well, you see…the way I figure it, the iceberg is one of those metaphor things…

TL: Huh?

M: You know…the iceberg is the WoW. And we’re the only thing keeping it afloat. (Read Jesusman!)

DM: (Gestures towards the Angry Piper) You telling me that fat piece of shit is actually helping us stay above the water? Not likely, assbag.

M: You’re quite hostile.

DM: Fuck you. This is just about the worst day of my life, aside from the whole turning into a bug thing. Me, stuck on an iceberg with you five douche-nozzles. Maybe I should just drown myself.

AP: Sounds like a plan, bug-boy. Let me help.

JM: Wait, guys…don’t you think we should be trying to find a way off this iceberg, instead of getting into a dick-waving contest?

TL: Actually, I’d watch a dick-waving contest…

AP: At least I still have a dick. The bug has been sexless for years.

T: Let’s hold hands. I say we pray. God will help us.

DM: Congratulations, Toyi. You’ve just guaranteed you’ll be the first person I’m going to kill and eat.

M: I think we’re stuck here until more people post regularly.

AP: Then…uh…maybe we should start, you know…pairing off.

T: Pairing off?

AP: You know…finding mates. Three girls…three…uh…make that two guys and a freak of nature.

DM: Fuck you.

M: I can’t have sex with anyone else. My wife will absolutely kill me for even considering it.

DM: OK. Who wants me, then? I’m not fussy.

T: …

JM: …

TL: …

DM: That’s just great. Screw you all.

AP: You can’t blame them. What do they have to look forward to? Revolting sex that ends with you eating their heads. And did I fail to mention you have no dick?

DM: (To JM and TL) I hope you get Hepatitis and die. Piper has it, you know.

AP: I do not! You’re just pissed off because I get three hot ladies all to myself.

JM: Umm…actually… (looks at TL)

TL: We’re way more into each other.

AP: Figures. I guess it’s for the best. I can only disappoint one woman at a time.

T: And that woman ees me! Arrrrrriba!!!

M: I wish I could sit down, but my bum will stick to the ice.

DM: Serves you right for wearing those assless chaps. And you call me the freak of nature. Put some fucking pants on.

M: NEVER!

TL: Wait…is that a boat???

JM: Oh, my goddess! It IS!

T: Eet ees huge! Like the Piper’s manly parts!

DM: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

AP: Jealousy is an ugly thing, Mantis.

DM: So’s your mother.

M: It’s coming this way!

TL: Is that…

JM: Can it be???

M: It’s the S.S. Murk-errific!!!

DM: But Dr. Murk is dead…isn’t he?

A large harpoon thunks into the ice, dragging the iceberg towards the colossal ship. Suddenly, a brightly-colored figure appears over the rail of the boat, brandishing a star-spangled shield.

Angry Veteran (AV): Ahoy there!!!

M: It’s the Angry Veteran! We’re rescued!

DM: Thank Christ. This was already getting old.

JM: How did you get this swell boat, AV?

AV: Murk willed it to me. It’s mine now. I’d change the name to the S.S. Family Values, but it’s bad luck to change the name of a boat.

TL: With Murk dead, guess you’re out of a job, huh?

AV: Not exactly…

DM: Fascinating. Can we get the fuck out of here now?

AV: Sure. Climb aboard, all.

They all scramble up the ladder. The Angry Piper is last. Some might think this is for chivalry’s sake, but in truth he was hoping to see up the girls’ skirts. Instead, he comes face-to-face with the Angry Veteran at the top of the ladder.

AV: Sorry. Boat’s full.

AP: What? Stop screwing around. It’s a huge boat.

AV: Right. You can’t come on. Murk wouldn’t have wanted it.

AP: Murk’s dead. Now let me on!

AV: No. Besides, I work for someone else now, and he doesn’t want you aboard either.

AP: Get the fuck out of my way or so help me…

The Angry Veteran slams his star-spangled shield into the Angry Piper’s face, dislodging him from the ladder. He falls 30 feet, landing on the hard ice below sprawled in his kilt, his dangly unmentionables in full view.

AP: Ouch.

DM: Wow. He is huge.

AV: Hey Piper!! My new boss, Hobbs von Wackamole, sends his love and says, and I quote: “I’m back, bitch!” I’m also supposed to give you something. Wait a sec!

The Angry Veteran disappears below decks, returning after a few minutes holding a box at arms length. He drops the box overboard, where it shatters on the ice, dislodging a very irate skunk.

AV: Have fun making friends! AV...out!

Cough up the Forty One cents

Public Service Announcement:

Your first class postage now costs 41 cents.

I'm just cheap enough so that this is the very last thing I needed to start paying all my bills online.

Online banking, here I come.

Oh, and I'll see you in line at the post office for the 2 cent stamps.

Damnit.

I'm off to colonize the Super-Earth of Gliese 581?

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- European astronomers have spotted what they say is the most Earth-like planet yet outside our solar system, with balmy temperatures that could support water and, potentially, life.

They have not directly seen the planet, orbiting a red dwarf star called Gliese 581. But measurements of the star suggest that a planet not much larger than the Earth is pulling on it, the researchers say in a letter to the editor of the journal Astronomy and Astrophysics.

"This one is the first one that is at the same time probably rocky, with water, and in a zone close to the star where the water could exist in liquid form," said Stephane Udry of the Geneva Observatory in Switzerland, who led the study.

"We have estimated that the mean temperature of this super-Earth lies between 0 and 40 degrees Celsius, and water would thus be liquid."

"We have been very lucky to identify a volunteer for a manned exploration of the new Super-Earth. To protect his identity, we can only refer to him by his code name: The Angry Veteran. We are currently making preparations to put him in deep hibernation and launch him to the Gliese 581 system."

Reuters was able to speak with this volunteer over the phone, but not in person. "I had no idea that my contract with the U.S. Army had an option that could be picked up by NASA. This shit is unreal."

I'll tell you what the troops would think, Senator Jackass

From the AP:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Thursday the war in Iraq is "lost," triggering an angry backlash by Republicans, who said the top Democrat had turned his back on the troops.



...



"I can't begin to imagine how our troops in the field, who are risking their lives every day, are going to react when they get back to base and hear that the Democrat leader of the United States Senate has declared the war is lost," said Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky.



Comment:



How are they going to react? I'll tell you. They are going to say: "Yeah, no shit; let's get the fuck out of here."



What a fucking hypocritical Jackass you are, Mitch McConnell, acting like you care about the feelings of the troops. If you really cared about the troops and their families you'd have vigils and ceremonies for those killed in action. You'd be there to receive the flag draped coffins. But no, we need to hide the dead soldiers and only invoke them when we have a politcal point to make.



The troops don't want to be in Iraq, they don't want to die in Iraq, and they would all be very, VERY happy to come home. They certainly don't need you to "protect" them from the words of Senator Reid. What they need is someone to protect them from President Bush and his crazy neocon cabal of right wing idiots.



The voters thought they did that in the midterm elections, but even an election doesn't seem to stop the Bush neocon war machine.

Once Upon a Time...

before he would become the Angry Veteran, the Angry Veteran was riding his bicycle on a warm summer day, a beatific look on his hairless adolescent face. "Tra-la-la," sang the Angry Veteran, "tra-la-la-la-lee." Smiling benignly, the Angry Veteran approached an intersection and signalled a left turn. The Angry Veteran was always careful to use hand signals, as he was taught "safety first!".

Heedless of the Angry Veteran's signal, a large, black Cadillac hurtled through the intersection and collided with the Angry Veteran just as he was making his turn. It turned his bike into a twisted metal pretzel and sent the Angry Veteran hurtling through the air, where he would come to rest against a very hard stone curb. His beatific smile vanished, and his leg was broken so badly it left him with an unsightly scar he bears to this very day.

The car door opened and a man stepped out. "What did you do to my car?!!!" screamed the driver of the Cadillac, a rotund, heavily-accented Portuguese man indifferent to the bleeding Angry Veteran on the side of the road.

And do you know what happened next?

The Angry Veteran killed that man.

Wear your seatbelt, dumbass

From the AP:

CAMDEN, N.J. (AP) -- Gov. John C. Corzine was apparently not wearing his seat belt as required by law when his official SUV crashed into a guard rail, leaving the governor hospitalized in critical condition, a spokesman said Friday.

The crash broke the governor's leg, six ribs, his sternum and a vertebrae. Authorities were searching for the pickup truck driver blamed for causing it.

Comment:

What do you mean, "apparently" wasn't wearing his seatbelt. He was either wearing it or not. Why is there a law requiring you to wear your seatbelt? So when some idiot swerves into you and wrecks your SUV you get minor contusions and soft tissue injury and not a broken leg, sternum, vertebrae, and rib cage.

I know it's only been the law for over twenty years and you are just the chief executive responsible for enforcing the law in New Jersey, but hey, dumbass, put your seatbelt on.

Quick, someone blame Al Sharpton or rap music - a white guy got hurt.

The Marketplace has Spoken

You're fired.

While I would like to think that the executives at MSNBC and CBS Radio dismissed Imus for his history of sexist and racist remarks; culminating in his attack on the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team, I know it isn't.

The reason he was fired: Adam Smith. Economics, baby. Advertisers were leaving the Imus show in droves. Insiders report that the numbers of cancelled advertisers was in the triple digits.

Why is this a good thing? Because advertisers are just a reflection of society - their entire existence depends on knowing what people want and don't want to hear. In addition, they know what kind of demand they can and cannot create with advertisements. Imus is no longer a product people want or a product advertisers can convince people they want. Good for us.

So, the bad news is that there are still plenty more sexist and racist "shock jocks" out there who are all too ready to laugh their misogyny and racism off as "just a joke" - but the good news is that the tide is turning.

Good riddance Imus.