The Last Five Enlightenments

Asked once to ponder the meaning of life, I summed up the point of the human experience as best I could:

The meaning of life is learning to suffer and die in a dignified way.

It sounds bleak.

Unfortunately, anyone seeking the meaning of life must prepare to suffer and eventually die. Anyone dumb enough to ask someone else the meaning of life deserves a bleak answer.

Truthfully, there is a very different way of aproaching life.

Again, unfortunately, it's not what people in search of meaning want to here. So, I've decided to keep the Secret to Life. First, it's not a cure for life's woes. Second, you'd have to reach the same conclusion as I have on your own to believe in it. Last, I have no proof or logical arguement for it and I know people love to debate.

This is silly. Why is Murk saying he has the Secret to Life on this useless blog?

Well, I want to invite doubt. For close to five years Malach, Spacefarmer and I have labored on this internet project. Others have labored in secret. Others have helped without knowing the full design.

You have all helped by reading and posting.

Now, as my present to all of you, I'd like to say...

I have the Secret of Life and you don't.

Unpaid Sports Guys

You all need to start heading over the sports blog. I just started a conversation about what it is that makes tennis great. You will enjoy it very much. It has something for everybody, including non-sports people.

Death and Friendship

I will call my friend J., because that is the letter her first name starts with, and because I would hate for her to one day Google herself and discover this post, as it would no doubt cause her to grieve all over again. J. comes from a Lebanese family, and prior to coming to America, she lived in Venezuela for most of her childhood. She arrived in this country when we were both in the fifth grade. At the time she spoke no English, only Arabic and Spanish. We were classmates from fifth grade all the way through college.

Last week, J’s mother and aunt died in a car accident. J’s mother was driving. Her sister, J’s aunt, was in the passenger seat. Their car was struck by a dump truck at an intersection on a very bright and sunny morning, the kind of sun that shines so bright it turns your windshield into a golden blur. They both died of their injuries at a local hospital not much later.

I haven’t seen J. since her wedding about 12 years ago. She moved to California soon afterwards and has since divorced. It would have been nice to see her under less horrible circumstances, as we were always good friends. We live very separate lives and—like many friends separated by years and distance—we drifted apart. Aside from some occasional thoughts and good memories, I doubt either one of us crossed the other’s mind very often. I didn’t even have her phone number.

J., her brother and younger sister all now live in Los Angeles, so they had to fly to the East Coast to make arrangements for their mother’s (and aunt’s) burial. I went to the wake on Sunday night. Predictably, J. was an emotional wreck. So was her younger sister. Her brother, the middle child, was doing a pretty good job of holding everything together, although he also was obviously grieving. J’s father, a man I only remember meeting twice, looked the same as he did on both occasions—very distant and not really part of anything.

While standing in the line that filed past the open casket, I realized I didn’t know my friend’s mother very well. I would certainly have recognized her if I had seen her alive and well somewhere, and she would have known who I was. We would have passed kind words together. I would have said hello, and asked after J. and her other children. She would have smiled and asked about me and about my mother. But I didn’t know her. Not really. And as I knelt before her casket, pretending to pray but really only giving a respectful silence, I wondered about this woman who I knew only through her children. What sacrifices did she make in life? What stories would she never tell? What dreams did she have that ever came true? What made her happy? What made her who she was?

I stood up and turned to the family. J’s father was first. I shook his hand and muttered the usual “Very sorry for your loss.” He shook my hand woodenly. I have no doubt he had no idea who I was. And then I was standing before J.

I think if I live a very long time indeed, I will never forget the look on her face when she saw me standing there.

Right before she collapsed into my arms, J. looked grateful. There really is no better word to describe it. She tried to say something but couldn’t. She was so overwhelmed and so touched that I was there. Not because I'm such a great guy. But because I think that after 12 years away, she never expected to see anyone who was there only for her. And as she held onto me, shaking and sobbing while her family looked on, I could only pat her back and whisper how sorry I was, over and over again—the first words I spoke to my friend in a dozen years. I felt utterly useless. I felt that “I’m sorry” has to be the emptiest sentence ever invented, because it didn’t begin to describe how I felt. In that moment, I would have done anything in the world for her. Anything at all, if it would only ease her pain and stop her tears.

But I couldn’t do anything. No one could.

I went and sat amid the mourners. I listened to whispered inanities about the details of the accident, the sad tragedy of it all, the injustice of a family left without a mother. And I watched my friend grieve from across the room.

I only saw one other person there that I knew, and that happened to be my oldest friend in the world, H. I say oldest, not best; although H and I went to nursery school together, we aren’t close and rarely see each other, and when we do it’s never by design. Unlike me, H. had stayed in touch with J. over the years. While I sat in the viewing room with H, I realized I had nothing to say to her. Not because of our surroundings, and not because we didn’t try. Because years and moments are wedges between souls. I simply no longer knew H, and on some level, I no longer cared about her the way I used to. Seeing her in different circumstances would have been nice. But it wouldn’t have made the awkwardness any easier.

Would it have been the same if it was another funeral, and it was J. sitting next to me? Would I have felt uncomfortable because J. would have been another friend from the past who I no longer knew? I don't know.

J. came over and sat for a while with us. She held our hands and begged me to stay in touch, and I told her I left my address in the sympathy book. I'm not sure if or when I will hear from her again, but I hope I do.

RIP George Carlin

I am Malach, fuckin' brilliant

Immediate State of Mourning Declared

George Carlin is dead.

I can't even think straight now.

Movie Review: Carnie Wilson's War

Carnie Wilson's War
By Dr. Murk




Carnie Wilson: Fat

So, I went to Vinnie's Video to rent a movie. I was looking for that new one about how Carnie Wilson ate the Russian Army in Afghanistan. I asked Vinnie, because I could not find it. I looked in the drama, heavy chicks, and porno sections ( seeing Angry Piper in the drama section, crying while he looked at the cover of The Cider House Rules).

So, Vinnie says, "It ain't in yet."

I says, "When's it coming in?"

He says, "You gotta hold on for one more day."

"But I got this movie review to do," I says.

"Hold on, indeed, chums!" The Angry Piper burst in between us. "I know about this movie which you speak. I have... seen it." We gaped in agony. No. Surprise? Yes. That's it.

"Well, old friend," I said, "It seems that we have crossed paths after a long time at just this moment for a reason."

"You mean since we crossed paths in the drama section a few minutes ago?" he asked.

"Indeed," I said. "Say, why were you crying anyways?"

"Oh," he said with a wistful smile, "I was caught by a sad memory of when I once knew a young girl such as seen in that movie. Beautiful. Striking Asian features. She smashed all of my bottles of Cider and made me walk on the glass."

"Sounds like my wife," I said.

"It was," he said. "Anywho, no. No I cannot help you write this review. My affection for Carnie would taint... taint... mmmmmm... Carlie taint... ahem. Um, it would bring the full love and devotion for Carlie into the light of day. Plus, I hav this whole date with destiny tonight."

"No problem," I said.

"FATHER!!!!" he shouted, "THE SLEEPER HAS AWOKEN!!!!!" He ran headlong through the display window, into route six traffic, took a few bumps from the cars and trucks and rolled into an open sewer pipe.

So, I'm going to review the movie without his help and without the movie.

First off, this movie is heavy. It's full of delicious fun. The camera work is a feast for the eyes. Get the large popcorn because it's a big big movie. You have to see it wide screen. I give it two tons up.

The End.

ROYTERS

I want you all to know that ROYTERS has become its own blog. Yes, that’s right, there is now a ROYTERS blog. It is over at Wordpress and I have a full staff of crackheads journalists acting like they are working hard to bring you the news we feel like making up. I will be posting my ROYTERS pieces here and at the new blog since this is where it all began, but all the other posts from the other contributors will be posted at the ROYTERS blog. I should have my first post finished shortly and up in the next day or so. Come on over to the new blog, and bring your friends dead or alive.

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - Part XII

We know, we know. It's been a long time since any of you enjoyed some fresh, new Dick.

Well, ask and ye shall receive.

DICK BIGGMAN that is.

Yeah, that's right. That time tested always appealing asshead from fucktown is back and ready to rock.

So, if you can't handle the heat you should just get out of my Dick kitchen because it's on and he's going to BRING IT.

Ok? You ready? Well, here we go:

Episode 67, Episode 68, Episode 69, Episode 70, BONUS EPISODE

A Small Victory

Recently, I posted about how some douche was ripping of my content and posting it on eBaum's World as his own. For the full story, go here.
I am happy to say that eBaum's World has removed the content from their site. It took a long time and there was zero communication from them (or the thief) despite repeated emails, but in the end, they did it.
Plagiarism really sucks. Thanks, eBaum's World.

Book Review

I did a review of a friend's book over at my blog. He self-published it. Go check out the review here and then go buy the book here.

Gore’s Endorsement A Surprise

ROYTERS –
Al Gore’s recent endorsement of Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) came as quite a surprise to the media and to political experts. Most pundits predicted that Gore would sit this election cycle out, but not only did he get involved, he endorsed a Democrat.
“I can tell you, no one expected the fiercely Republican Gore to get involved in this thing,” said Chris Matthews while measuring the desk on the set of Meet The Press, “Gore has been a pretty staunch Republican throughout his life. He only became a Democrat for about eight years or so when he was Vice-President, but he returned to the GOP after that, only leaving for a few days to endorse Howard Dean in 2004. If Obama can get a hardcore Republican like Gore to endorse him, then it really says something about his ability to bridge partisan divides.”
Most political experts tend to agree with Matthews. “This is a huge story, no two ways about it,” said Chuck Todd of MSNBC, who was measuring Tim Russert’s office, “When the media learned that Mr. Republican Al Gore was going to back Obama, CNN had no choice but to air the endorsement live and NBC just had to make it the number one story the following morning on the Today Show. Had Gore just been a regular Democrat, we wouldn’t have spent any time on it, but Gore’s more than that. He’s been the bridge that’s united the country on key issues like border control, the War on Terror, and civil liberties. This endorsement, coming from a bipartisan guy like Gore, is going to give Obama a tremendous edge. Oh, uh, can you hand me that trash can? I gotta throw out some of this Bills stuff.”
It is not yet clear whether Gore’s endorsement will pull independents and Republicans back to the Democratic fold. A recent poll indicated that 95% of American voters were not surprised that a Democrat endorsed another Democrat and that it will not affect their decision to vote for or against Obama in the fall. When asked about the poll, Gore was surprised people believed he was a Democrat. “I think I’ve pretty well established my Republican credentials. Sure, I ran for President twice as a Democrat and have been involved in every Democratic campaign since 1988, but that doesn’t mean I’m a Democrat. Just because you’re involved in the Democratic Party for a while doesn’t mean that you’re not a Republican. People are just misinformed about this issue, we’ll get it straightened out.”
Regardless of whether people learn the truth about Gore’s politics, it is clear that Gore helped Obama answer his critics by proving that Obama has the ability to unite different political elements of the country. The road to victory just got a little easier for Sen. Obama, and he has bipartisan Al Gore to thank for that.

Tequilla Mockingbird: Useless Netslut or Overcompensating Loser

Here's a religious rant for you sweetheart.

There's a woman poster on here who likes to make snide comments to everyone except her internet chat boyfriend who shall remain nameless. No, no one told me who was having cyber sex with you, honey. It was quite obvious. No, I'm not jealous. I have all I can handle in real life.

I live my life in the world and come here occasionally to manage a service for some of my friends. So, that's what I intend to do. I've asked for people to contribute some slightly longer, less google search oriented stuff.

I've also come to ask people like Tequilla Mockingbird to shut the fuck up about their own fake (and pathetic, even when fake) lives.

Now, put the doll down before you behead it, darling. I'm a fictional character myself. I am much hated by many people. But, I'm not real and I'm not a wanna be home wrecker.

Why have I chosen you as my adversary? Why not? The Angry Veteran is to gay for his liberal life, the Piper is too scared to match wits and Malach is too dumb. You are a silly slut, but maybe you can be a worthy match.

As for religious rants, yes, Toyi and YPG are free to do battle. At least religion matters more than your pre-menopausal libido.

I argue politics mostly and only hit up religion when people are judgemental. Or, in your case, just fucking mental. What meds are you on, btw hon? I want to avoid them.

So, have at it, you moistened cock wipe.

Congress Alters First Amendment; Stops Russert Coverage

ROYTERS –
Congress acted swiftly to rush through legislation to make a minor change to the First Amendment. States held online conventions and quickly ratified the change. The new First Amendment is now governing law and reads:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
However, nothing shall limit the power of Congress to prevent excess news coverage of Tim Russert’s death.
Congress responded to the change and passed a law preventing any further news coverage regarding Russert. Congress took the unprecedented action in response to a swell of public outcry regarding NBC’s extensive coverage of the death of Tim Russert. MSNBC and NBC have been devoting nearly 45 minutes of every broadcast hour to Russert’s death, despite the fact that Russert was not a world leader, political figure, or Britney Spears’ crotch. “Was it really necessary to devote all of Friday to Tim Russert’s death? Was it appropriate to have news anchors start crying all the time? Did the media totally lose their objectivity on this one? We didn’t give this much coverage to Gerald Ford, for Christ’s sake,” complained a media critic who spoke on the condition of anonymity, fearing that criticizing anything Russert-related may result in expulsion from the news media for ideological crimes, “I’ve never been one to accuse the media of exploiting coverage, but images of Mary Matalin and James Carville crying on the set of Meet the Press come pretty close. This level of coverage should only be reserved for celebrity trips to rehab.”
The change to the First Amendment have left many former strict-constructionists and First Amendment protectors having to explain their sudden change in course. “Look, I’ve fought hard against attempts to change the First Amendment for a long time,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “I’ve resisted the urge to introduce an anti-flag-burning Amendment and I’ve fought against restrictions on donations to political campaigns, but enough is enough. If I have to hear one more thing about Tim and his dad, I’m going to lose it. He wrote a book about how much he loved his dad; it’s wonderful and touching until you HEAR IT FOR THE EIGHT THOUSANDTH TIME! The media’s been playing this non-stop since Friday and it has to end. If this keeps up, I’ll have to turn off my TV and read a book. You’d think Russert was Anna Nicole Smith or something.”
“While I generally think that Mitch McConnell is a total douchebag, he’s right on this, enough is enough,” commented Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI), “I mean, good Lord, is it absolutely necessary to devote the Saturday edition of The Today Show to Russert dying and to have it hosted by Matt Lauer? The tribute on Meet the Press was completely appropriate, but did Lauer really need to interview Russert’s kid on Monday? Does MSNBC really need to keep replaying it? You all know that I voted against the PATRIOT Act out of concerns for its intrusions on personal freedoms, but I don’t think that this sort of non-stop coverage is the kind of thing that our Constitution was meant to protect. Also, my Iowa colleagues’ houses are under water. Do you think that the media could take some of its precious time to talk about that? And, hey, by the way, what ever ended up happening to that disputed election in Zimbabwe? Is that even a country anymore?”
NBC is greatly troubled by the recent course of action. “There goes our 58 Days of Tim: One Day For Every Year of his Heroic Life!” said Chris Matthews, “What do they expect us to cover? I mean, a celebrity’s not in trouble or dead, American Idol is over until next year, and there’s no hurricane. Even worse, we don’t have an international crisis or a threat to national security. Wait, I vaguely remember somethig about a war in one of those camel jockey countries. Can I get a fact-check on that?”

Learn To Resurect the Dead (blog)

A grave illness is infecting this blog. The ammount of one line, picture based crap and you tube shlep is ruining readership.

I invite you of creative minds to resurect the blog by please trying to post creative or thought prevoking articles. Humor. Longer posts about relevant topics. Entertaining posts with words.

We can all find images and you tube clips on our own now.

I beg the creative among you, indeed I challenge you to bring fresh life to this blog. Get some fiction, or comedy or insightful commentary up and promote your work here as well as at your own blogs. Cross post. Link to here. Invite blog buddies to read.

Our readership has dropped and our writing has dropped off.

I won't throw angst or acussations. We're all in this. We want to be heard, so make something you would want others to see, think about and ponder.

A plea from a hard working company man.

Yours Truly

Dr. Robert J. Murk

Yeah. It's That Important.

Seen the latest A-1 Steak Sauce commercial? Here's a synopsis.
Two well-dressed gentlemen sit at separate, yet very close tables in what's obviously a fine dining restaurant. They face the camera. A big, juicy hamburger is placed in front of the gentleman on the left. He immediately reaches for a bottle of A-1, and commences a liberal application of said condiment to the top of his burger.
"Excuse me," says the guy on the right, "A-1 on a hamburger?"
"Yeah," the guy on the left replies, obviously impressed with his own ingenuity.
"That's a good idea," says the guy on the right. "Do you mind if I borrow that for a minute?"
"Sure," says the guy on the left. He reaches for the bottle of A-1 to pass it to his new acquaintance. Meanwhile the guy on the right takes the hamburger and eats it, leaving the guy on the left holding the bottle, feeling awkward, and looking silly. Plus, he's short a hamburger.

Let me tell you how this little scenario would change if I were the guy on the left. If I--out of the goodness ofmy heart and an earnest desire to pass on the joys of A-1 Steak Sauce--turned around and found this pompous fuck eating my hamburger, I would stand up and break my chair over his fucking head. I would smash the A-1 bottle against the side of the table and stick the jagged edge into his fucking neck. I'd probably ram his face into the table a few times, then drag his ass out of the restaurant by his hair and curb-stomp the gray-haired fucker so he wouldn't be eating any hamburgers--or any solid food, for that matter--for a long fucking time. Then I'd pick him up by his balls and throw him through the nearest windshield.

No one's gonna make me look silly.

Join the Internet Party

I am Malach and I would do Wikipedia!

Kung Fu Panda - A WoW movie review

The Wu-Xi Finger Hold
Malach, the wife and the kiddos went to see Kung Fu Panda yesterday, and I must say, it was excellent. It was thoroughly enjoyed by the 5 year old daughter, the 6 year old son, and my wife and I who are both in our 30's.

The film is by Dreamworks Animation, and stars Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Lucy Liu, Seth Rogen, Jackie Chan, David Cross, and Al Swearengen. It is rated PG, mostly for intensely animated Martial Arts scenes (which frackin' rocked). The film is CGI animated, and well done, and stylized.

The Plot revolves around a Panda named Po (Jack Black) who works in his father's (who is a goose) noodle shop. He is a Kung Fu fanatic, and fan boy, who dreams of someday becoming a Kung Fu master, though his father wants to raise him up in the noodle business and have him take over the shop. The local Kung Fu master, a tortoise named Oogway, has a premonition that and old student of his protege Sifu (Hoffman), and now most evil Kung fFu master snow leopard Tai Lung (Al Swearengen) will escape from prison and reign terror upon their valley once more.

Oogway orders a ceremony so a might Dragon Warrior can be chosen to defeat Tai Lung. Everyone assumes it is one of the members of the Furious Five, Sifu's best students (Jolie as Tigress, Chan as Monkey, Rogen as Mantis, Liu as Viper, and Cross as Crane). As the students show off their skills to the assembled crowd, Po who got accidentally got locked out of the ceremony, tries increasing foolhardy was to gain entrance, finally doing that and landing directly in front of Master Oogway as he is pointing out who the Dragon Warrior will be, making Po the Dragon Warrior. Of course everyone assumes it is an accident, and wise old Oogway states "there are no accidents".

Sifu is stuck training a overweight noodle vendor with no Kung Fu experience, and despite his protests, and those of Po's, Oogway does not change his mind. Sifu attempts to get Po to quit, but no matter what physical and mental tortures and humiliations he puts him through Po refuse to quit, and the fan boy is him actually enjoys living in the Kung Fu world, even with the beatings.

Tai Lung as per the prophecy escapes, and heads to the valley to seek his revenge, and claim the Dragon Scroll (with untold universal power). Oogway then passes away (Ascends to Nirvana) leaving a final request that Sifu train Po. Sifu and Po are both at a loss to do this. Meanwhile, the Furious Five are defeated and almost killed in a battle with Tai Lung.

No more spoilers from here, the movie goes another hour after this.

Wonderfully acted, and animated, the movie is very funny for both adults and kids, and has some killer Martial Arts scenes. It plays very much in the style of those old 70's Kung Fu movies, Bruce Lee, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I would highly recommend taking a child to this movie if you don't want to go as creepy adult. I would also recommend this to the Angry Piper, it is right up his alley.

The Opening title sequence is pretty amazing and ground breaking. They are a hand drawn, vividley colored dream sequence, that has been stylized to somewhat resembly Chinese Shadow Puppetry. It also harkens stylistically to anime like Samurai Champloo or Afro Samurai.

Kung Fu Panda gets 3 1/2 Rubbersuit Masks out of 4 for kids and 3 out of 4 for adults.

As and added bonus to this review, click me to hear Cee-Lo Brown and Jack Black doing Kung Fu Fighting.

I am Malach and I am Kung Fu Fighting

How talented is the Angry Piper

Well Check this out
Here is the Piper with his "life partner" Hobbs von Wackamole playing the flute.

Amazing now, outdoes there first video with them and the guitar!

I am Malach and I bring the truth!

Zangief Blog Again!!!

Hello Americanskis!

Good news! Due to overwhelming response to first post, The Great Zangief is back for second installment of blog that sweep nation! Is good, no?

Zangief not always fighting in tournaments. Some days even Zangief relax. The other day, Zangief kick it with Zangief’s friend The Angry Piper. Angry Piper dress in skirt like female and squeeze wooden octopus that make noise that hurt Zangief’s ears, but Zangief like him anyway. Angry Piper take Zangief to Chinatown in Boston. Zangief very excited and think Angry Piper take Zangief to visit communist Chinese comrade Fei Long, but Angry Piper only want to show Zangief favorite place to purchase pornography. Angry Piper say he only go there on special occasions, but when we walk in, American shopkeep say “Hello, Angry Piper!” which make Zangief think Angry Piper maybe lie to Zangief about how often he go to porn store.

Looking at porn make Zangief very hungry, so Angry Piper offer to buy Zangief lunch at fine American McDonald’s restaurant. Zangief step up to counter and order, but annoying American teenage female pretend not to understand Zangief’s accent, so Zangief remove her from behind counter and give her Spinning Piledriver. After that, everyone want to help Zangief and ordering easy as borscht!

Zangief want to go back for fifth helping. “Jesus Christ!” say Zangief’s friend Angry Piper. “I just spent four hundred bucks on big girl porn! Cut me some slack, dude!” Zangief laugh and punch Angry Piper in arm. Zangief hear snap and Angry Piper scream and cry like female, but after a while he ok. While Piper crying and making spectacle of self, Zangief see familiar pair of American buttocks through McDonald’s window. “Look, Angry Piper!” Zangief say. “It is Malach the Merciless! He go into building across street!”

Angry Piper stare at building across street. “You’re kidding.” he say.

“Nyet,”say Zangief. “Malach go in there just now. Zangief recognize Malach’s buttocks anywhere. They white like Siberian snow.” Zangief and Angry Piper walk across street. Angry Piper look at building and shake head. Building name make no sense to Zangief. “What is ‘Ramrod’?” Zangief ask Angry Piper.

“It’s…uh…the thing they used to load guns with a long time ago. No way I’m going in there. This place is gayer than a Depeche Mode video.” He so funny. Zangief pick him up by neck like chicken and carry him inside, where we find Malach dancing with men. Most wear no shirt like Zangief. Many hairy, but Zangief hairiest one of all.

“Sweet merciful crap!” Malach say when he see Zangief and Angry Piper. He almost start crying, so happy he is to see us! One of Malach’s friends smile at Zangief. He have manly beard and moustache but dress like American Love Boat Captain Stubing. “You’re a big bear, aren’t you?” Malach’s friend say to Zangief. Zangief think maybe Captain Stubing with moustache is idiot.
Zangief not bear, but Zangief say he know many bears. Zangief wrestle with them all the time. Some bears give Zangief scars. “That sounds incredibly kinky. Count me in!” say Malach’s friend Captain Stubing. Zangief consider breaking his arms, but decide not to.

“Let’s go dance, big fella,” say another of Malach’s friends. He pull Zangief by arm until Zangief go with him. Angry Piper stay with Malach, who look just like Zangief’s cousin Ivan look when KGB come to door looking for him.

Dance floor must be small, because many of Malach’s friends dance very close to Zangief. Zangief do the dance where Zangief close eyes and spins arms like helicopter. It very fun. When Zangief open eyes, everyone lying on ground twisted in funny shapes. No one moving. They must copy Zangief dance, and Zangief tire them out!

Is good to have friends, no?

My Old Man

I wrote the Bible once. Looked down at that damn book and copied every word I read. I said I wrote the Bible and I mean it. And if you think God wrote the Bible, you wrong. Man wrote it down like that and it never had to be done by God cause a man had some paper and indigo or something and set man to do it.

I'm not the author, nothing. I said for God to Damn something and the teacher she says go on copy that Bible til my finger fall off. Hey, I had a plan and I left school that day and told myself the only way I'm gonna fix what I done is to do what teacher say and copy the whole damn Bible and that'd make no school for me anymore, right? So I did it.

It took me half my life with pasting pages and fixing spelling and getting a dictionary and I found out one thing. A man can write the Bible with his own hands in maybe a half a life if you figure a life at eighty years, and given time for meals and sleep and paying the bills which somehow always got paid, and I ain't so sure it was all on the level but I come out of writing that damn Bible owing nobody nothing except a few thank yous for a glass of water here and there and food and such.

This whole world kept on going while I did my work and I heard of wars and killings and gangs. Some group of kids get drugs and a few guns and a city stands still for a bit, just as I finished. I worked hard to write this Bible the right way on good paper with my best script, and when my hand hurt sometimes I'd just stop and run some cold water over it. Then I'd get going again.

Hell, it was work and I'm a good Christian man, but I made some mistakes and learned writing the Good Word the hard way. Oh, I'll tell you. I learned them names and numbers and the peoples and the songs and the praises and the Prophets and a Temple where Lord lived and died and lived again and then left, saying he coming back someday soon. Sometimes the stories make me so mad at God and He the One created me and I'm so confused as to why He has to hurt us so bad to see if we love Him, but that's a mean old thought you shouldn't think about your Lord.

I wrote down every sin God seen his people do and sometimes I start crying cause I don't know any better way to live than this. I ask Him take away all the sin and I give up all my wants and lets all be friends, but the Bible it keeps saying we're bad and, oh, how we can't see what we do to one another. There's wars and killings and false promises. There's so much hurt in that Book I nearly died of sadness at how hard we all are to ourselves.

But there's this one part I really liked which made the whole damn thing work and it's at the worst part when the poor Son is dying and his mama's watching him and he tells her to look at her new son and this boy he tells him that now he's got a mama because the Son is dying and I stopped writing at that moment.

I think.

Jesus dying, gives his mama a new son and his young friend a new mama.

I tell you, I finished writing that Bible with my own hand but I was sure I understood something that I might have missed if I didn't take my teacher so literal. That Man's last concern was for his mama and his friend, maybe his brother. That's when it got to me that man HAD to be God.

Yeah. I finished writing that Bible by hand, and I ain't seen much of what others got to see while living, but maybe I got something for my trouble that they might have missed.