Best LOLimages Ever!

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LOLcky Horror Picture Show!

I AM IRON MAN!

Iron Man Exclusive Trailer

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I am Malach and I LOVE the fact Tony Stark seems to be drinking in just about every frame of this trailer.

Spongebob Voice Actors Dub Classic Movies

Ever have one of these days?

The Greatest News Story Ever Told!

Really Ralph??? Really?!!!

Ralph Nader announced his candidacy.

Again.

For the fourth time, I believe.

The man has lost all credibility. He is directly responsible for the past eight years. He gave the election to Bush by taking just enough votes away from Gore.

Thanks to you, Ralph, we have the War in Iraq, our current Supreme Court, the complete lack of enforcement at the Federal Agencies (EPA, DOJ, etc.), and an ever increasing federal deficit. You, Ralph, made it possible. Nothing you can ever do will be able to undo the harm you have allowed. If you had any honor, you'd have committed ritual suicide by now. But forget honor, all you have is vanity.

I don't know how the f**k you can even show your face in public, never mind run for President again. I hate you Nader.

Hate you.

Best Bumper Sticker Ever!

Cap'n Flak's Oscar Recap!

Unless you were dead, drunk or sleeping under a rock last night, I'm sure you watched the 80th Annual Academy Awards!

It was a night full of stunning fashion, nervous presenters, identical tuxedos and that funny fellow from The Daily Show, John Stewart as your hurried host!

In the Best Picture category, many people expected the quirky comedic underdog Juno to win, but instead director Paul Thomas Anderson took home the coveted bald headed sharply assed gold statue for There Will Be Blood, a story about about family, greed, religion, oil, and dirty, dirty sex, starring the always amazing Daniel Day Lewis.

In this acceptance speech, Anderson thanked his father for his inspiration to make it in the movie business by saying "my dad was one of the first guys on the block to have a VCR. So along with all the videotapes that I would rummage through, I would find porno movies. Not that it twisted me into some maniac or anything. I was watching porno from age 10 to 17. I had an interest in porn... and that's how I became interested in the movies."

Throughout the evening, we were treated to musical performances taken directly from 2007's films including Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street and Hairspray!

George Clooney, who won Best Actor for his role in Michael Clayton, said "I'm the flavor of the month. Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties."

In the Best Actress category, Laura Linney, who won for her portrayal of Wendy Savage in The Savages, a powerful tale of a brother and sister facing the realities of familial responsibility as they begin to care for their ailing father, said "I don't consider myself a celebrity and I don't consider myself a star. When you work and live on a film set for 12, 14 hours a day and moving from location to location, it's hard just to exist. I tend to make low-budget movies but, yeah, I make more money than I ever thought I would make."

The rest of the four hour cavalcade of stars included such winners as Best Supporting Actor Hal Holbrook for Into The Wild (opening up speculation about whether or not he will reprise his role as Lou Mannheim in the upcoming sequel to 1987's Wall Street), Best Supporting Actress Ruby Dee for American Gangster (a leading favorite to portray Commander Uhura in the fictional biopic With Giant Earpieces Come Giant Responsibility) and the smash summer blockbuster action hit extravaganza Transformers which won several awards including Best Sound Mixing, Best Original Screenplay, Best Use Of Senseless Violence, and Best Lighting.

Congratulations to all of the 80th Annual Academy Award Winners and Nominees!

Bob the Builder for President!

Bob has no substantial political experience, is very friendly, draws big audiences, and has a great slogan.

That seems to be enough, hurry and cast your vote.

Bob the Builder for President!

Can we fix it?

Yes, we can!

One.Good.Book

Cormac McCarthy: The Road.

If you read one book this decade read Cormac McCarthy's The Road. I read it in one day. It's short enough.

Idea: A man and his boy (maybe six or seven years old) wander the Hell that Earth has become after surviving an unspecified disaster. The disaster is so great that nothing is left alive, except for a few hundred people. Nothing is alive and the story takes place years after the catastrophe. The story is about their daily struggle. It is very realistic. This isn't a romantic post apocalypse. Some of you know what I mean by that. If you don't, watch Mad Max. That's apocalyptic romance compared to this.

If a good book is layered like an onion, this one is a shallot. Short. Small. Compact. Little waste. Bitter flavor. Sharp. Somehow alien but completely full of nuance. This is the 'where are we' book of the century.

The Road is an easy read. It's not strained. McCarthy has written in a completely accessible style without compromising his ideas.

Don't expect flowers and sunshine. Don't even dare to hope for a happy ending. BUT, be prepared to be uplifted. At times. Dissapointed. At times. You need to read this book if you want to live in the next century. The message is clear and eloquently put in the narrative. This book is essential.

Those of you with a spiritual bent will love it. Those of you waiting for the death of man will love it. Doomsday prophets will love it. We will all love it. Father will cry. Sons will call their fathers. Husbands will kiss their wives. Wives will be wives.

I have to tell you one more thing:

The Meaning of Life is explicitly stated in this book. If you read it, you will know what life is about.

Horrible poetry that needs editing.

Because I was bored.

-Acedia-

She caresses my face and whispers,
"Take a rest, you've been working so hard!"
I know i have done nothing
I know I have tons to do
Yet I believe her lies
And let her seduce me

We lie together in bed
She gives me ecstasy
Which I know is the source of my ugly misery
She kisses my body
And it thirsts for more
But my minds screams for release

She dances me though failure after failure
I want nothing more but to let her go
But in this unholy matrimony, there is no divorce
The heavy ball and chain holds me down.
She laughs at my efforts,
"I love you too" she says and kisses me

"O Devil! I make you a deal!
Rid me of this harlot and take my soul!"
"Foolish child! Don't you know?
The devil won't deal against the devil's own"
With those words he laughs and leaves
And I laugh as she emerges from the shadows and kisses me to ruin.

Needs work on the meter, several lines could be made better and some words could use replacement.
Help?

Refuse to Buy Into the Obama Hype

Every once in a while someone takes their responsibility as a voter seriously and actually does a little research. This is one of those times. I know reading is wicked hard. I know actually comparing candidates based on FACTS as opposed to how well they smile for the camera while promising to give you a reach around every Christmas is not very fun, because it's almost like doing taxes, or other stuff grown-ups have to do.

So here you go. Someone else actually did the heavy lifting and all you have to do is skim through it to the end and get a clue about what two of these people have actually done while they were in office.

Draw your own conclusions.

I personally have less respect for someone who wastes times passing resolutions as opposed to actual legislation, but that's just me.

Lovin' you

I need to Express my love . . .
But I was having a very hard time to put into word, the love I have for Captain Flak Paperpants. But I will let this video talk for me.

I am Malach, in love with loving you, lalalala, lalalalala!

BEST SCIENTOLOGY IMAGE EVER!

No further explanation is required.

Cap'n Flak Movie Reviews: Knight Rider

What is the perfect equation for a television show to attract a primarily 18-35 male audience demographic?

550hp 2008 FORD MUSTANG GT500KR
x (VAL KILMER'S VOICE)
+ HOT LESBIANS
÷ THE HOFF!
+ MORE HOT GIRLS
√ (MODIFIED C-130 TRANSPORT AIRCRAFT)
- THAT SENATOR ASSHOLE GUY FROM THE X-MEN MOVIES
x (THE CHICK THAT PLAYED DR. LEAH BRAHMS IN STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION)
= ON BALLS.

NBC did their research and did it right. Ok, so the acting in the new made-for-tv movie Knight Rider was horrible and the writing was cheesy at best. But, who gives a crap? That car was kick ass, the chicks were smokin' and the driver was hoffin'!

Personally, I am not the least bit ashamed to admit that I loved it.

I thought it was hilarious that the good guys were all driving Fords and the bad guys were all driving Chevys (with the badges removed). After all, this was a $50,000,000 Ford commercial, but I don't give a crap! It worked for me. They even extended the show into the commercials which told the story of Mike Traceur (Michael Knight's son) going on a date in a Ford Focus while being stalked by KITT. Lame, but cute. I was feeling a semi-sick feeling of being over-sold and further ashamed of my Mazda MPV Runabout (aka: Minivan.)

Sure, the Hoff looked old, but who cares! He's The Hoff! At least he wasn't crawling around on the kitchen floor in a drunken stupor eating cheeseburgers. Although, if he had been doing that, I wouldn't have given a flip flap flying fuck all anyway!

In short: I love the new KITT so much that I'm going to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.


PS: Does anyone else besides me want a little LiLo action after looking at this?

Pink is the new black

Have I told you lately that I love you?

No?

Oh.... That's too bad.

Oh well!

Happy belated birthday, Doc.

"Hi" to everyone else.

Ciao my darlings!

Count Von Count, porn star

There is more
We all recall the past secret video of Count Von Count and his penchant for singing about having sex with strange things, but more has been unsurfaced!




And Bert in Ernie got into the act too.

and some strange stuff

Obama: The Emperor has no clothes!

Let me begin by saying that I will be voting for either Clinton or Obama in the general election. Whichever one wins the Democratic nomination will have my support and contributions. However, it is not my vote I am worried about. It's the vote of the folks in the middle who will be choosing between McCain and, if he gets the nomination, Obama. Why do I worry?

Simple: he has negligible political experience. A state legislator (not even a Governor) and two years in the U.S. Senate - after winning the seat by beating a guy who forced his wife to go to sex clubs (well, he officially withdrew and then was replaced by Alan Keyes. Alan Keyes!)

He's a good speaker and he's black. Those are not qualifications to be the next President. But no one has really taken him to task on his resume. The Democrats have given him a free pass so far; not wanting to seem racist. Well, let me tell you folks, criticizing someone on their lack of achievements and vague policy positions is not racist. And the criticism and attacks are going to come in droves in the general election. I feel like the child who shouts out that the Emperor has no clothes.

Obama has no experience!!! (*shocked gasps from the crowd*)

The really sad thing is that we are in such sore need of more diversity throughout the entire corporate and government power structure in this country. We do need to have a black President, but he has to be qualified for the job. Obama is not that candidate. I am afraid that nominating Obama is giving Republicans their best shot for winning the general election.

Does Clinton have a better chance? To my mind, absolutely. The Republicans have done everything they can to that woman and her husband. She has great experience and will be able to beat McCain in the debates. Do you remember the Cheney vs. Edwards Vice Pres. debates last time? Cheney made Edwards look like an amateur - exactly what McCain will do to Obama. By the time the general election comes around, everyone will be wondering why the Democrats nominated a guy with negligible national political experience and no foreign policy experience. And then Obama will lose the general election by double digits. *shudder*

Me and Hojo

This is when we first met. It was majic!

An Open Letter to all the Suicidal School Shooters

Greetings,

Let me make my main point right up front: you, sir, are nothing but an emotionally retarded immature meat sack of disgusting fuckshit and I, for one, think you are totally worthless.

Now, I can understand feeling upset and angry with life. I can even understand being upset to the point that you want to kill people. Oh come on, we've all been there. We don't all act upon these feelings, but, hey, I guess that makes you special, right?

Wrong.

If I had to guess, I would bet that 99% of you suicide shooters are acting upon your deadly intentions because you are dying to suck some nice fresh man sausage but Mommy and Daddy and society in general shun homosexual behavior. Wah. Wah. Wah.

So, let me get this straight. You're too scared to make mouth babies with your cousin Steven, but you'll dress up like a club going neo matrix faggot and shoot people to death? WTF? Are you serious?

Pop quiz: what does brutally killing a bunch of innocent students and then killing yourself achieve?

Answer: nothing more than a poorly edited page on Wikipedia and an afternoon of pointless fame on CNN.

Big fucking deal. I've taken shits that have had more impact on America than you.

It's simple: no one will give a fuck about you before you do it and no one will give a fuck about you after you do it. And, please, don't even try to be a trend setter like those Columbine kids. They did it better than anyone and everyone else is simply a lame ass copycat killer. Eric and Dylan were a one time deal... and no one can match the impact they had unless you have a dirty bomb or you know Osama Bin Fuckass on a first name basis.

Look, if you're depressed, it's ok. Smoke some pot. Drink some booze. Get some head meds. Maybe you should even get laid. Go ahead and post an ad on Craigslist or hire a hooker if you're too much of a faggotpussyfreshmanwhimp loser to man up and get some mind blowing sex the hard way (be it homo or hetero.)

If you do any of the above and you are still feeling pissed at the world, just fucking deal with it like the rest of us have to do. Remember, whatever it is that is making you mad is really not that big of a deal. I'm not trying to talk you off the ledge, but go play some video games and try to be a little more Leisure Suit Larry and a little less Duke Nukem, ok?

However, if you're going to go through with your school shooting, at least consider the following advice:

• Stop making videos of you and or your buddies posing with the guns in dramatic positions or shooting at random objects in the woods. Everyone who sees these clips interprets them as "there goes another emo fag boy that wishes he was balls deep in his pals pink starfish cum target but instead had to borrow Daddy's gun for a little pretend big boy kicks."
  

• Enough with the dressing in black already! If you really want to make a statement or have a lasting impact, do something weird and unexplainable. Dress up like Ronald McDonald or steal your sports teams Mascot costume and then do some serious damage. Go on, mix it up a bit! Make us wonder what the hell you were thinking!
  

• Don't kill yourself! Get caught afterwards and then proclaim your innocence like Lee Harvey Oswald did! Don't worry, someone else WILL kill you. That much you can be sure of. Why? Because the shit stains of society like you always get it in the end. But, until that happens, toss in a little confusion, disorder and chaos and you just might go down in conspiracy theory history and that's where the real immortality lies!

• Consider the REAL impact of your actions. Sure, ok, you kill some people and their survivors are left with grief stricken lives that they will likely never recover from. Ok, that sucks. I don't discount it. I mean, if someone killed my kids, I'd be all done. However, for the rest of the people in this world, we have to suffer by looking at images of such endless douchebaggery like candle light vigils with pretty girls sobbing for the cameras even though they had no connection whatsoever to the real victims. That shit is horrid and only you can prevent it from happening. Don't give the nutty christians an excuse to have their 15 minutes of fame! Jesus knows they've had enough already!
  

• Get a catch phrase! Not a day goes by that I don't see or hear the words "don't tase me, bro!" You need something like this. As you roam around killing people like the fuck headed pig shit that you are, try belting out something clever like "vote THIS for president!", "eat my desperate lead!", "murder is ON BALLS!", "you gotta a problem with Jonestown?", or "there's no place like HELL! There's no place like HELL!"
  

Please note that my recommendations listed above are in no way to be viewed as suggesting or condoning your pathetic actions. In fact, should you decide to follow through with your weak minded plans, I will make it my own personal mission to spread rumors about you, edit open source pages about you on Wikipedia so that people can eternally read about your "true murderous motivations" (suppressed homosexuality, full blown AIDS, limp dick syndrome, etc.) and create LOLcat and other popular viral images that serve only to demonstrate your infamous lack of common sense and self respect. I've done this before and I will do it again.

Now, do us all a favor: put the gun down, get a bacon double cheeseburger and shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Captain Flak Paperpants

P.S.: You want a piece of me? Anytime. Anywhere. Trust me, I'll teach you a lesson you will never forget. Ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you that when my strength is combined with my borderline uncontrollable anger, it's not a pretty sight. I will shove your head so far up your ass, you'll be using your dick as a snorkel.

The answer to all of your questions is finally here

Happy Birthday Dr. Murk

And yes, some presents . .






I will have more for you on my blog tonight

I am Malach, and you got to love the internet's ability to embarass celebrities!

SCREW JOHN MCCAIN!

He is an Albino Midget!

I am Malach and yes you can

It's McCain or Nothing

I'm sorry. If you vote along party lines and are a Democrat, you are doing yourself a terrible injustice. Without Edwards, you are left with two special interest lunatics with no loyalty to you, your nation or your party.

Joh McCain is frequently a negotiator between the two warring factions. He's a moderate. He's sensible. He has the most experience and he's well liked internationally. Obama and Clinton have made enemies on both sides of the aisle.

Not to mention, Hillary's face? Obama's poor fashion sense? Is this what we want? McCain may be old and ugly, but he's a veteran of two wars, nearly died when an aircraft carrier blew up, and has fought in the trenches of the senate for many many years.

He's Eco-friendly, doesn't make a fuss about pro-choice, is in favor of levying taxes on big business and demanding corporate responsibility. He's so moderate, conservatives hate him. Please, don't be stupid and vote Hillary or Bamalama. Please. I know you're loyal, but DON'T fall for their lies.

I have one thing to say about the New England Patriots

"The thrill of victory.
The agony of defeat."

Meanwhile in other news...

Love This!

How Beautiful our Planet is

I am Malach, and fuggin's A

Spanish love song!!!

Relax and don't worry!

After all. Things could be worse.

A LOT WORSE.

Have a nice weekend.