Gettin' to know the G-Pow!

Last week I had the distinct pleasure of meeting General Colin Powell.

Besides the fact that he and I (and someone else I know) share the same birthday, I thought he was pretty cool. After he gave his keynote speech, I had a good conversation with him.

In fact, I documented some of it to share with you.

• Conversation Part 1
• Conversation Part 2

Like I said, he was pretty cool, yo.*

*and, yes, I really did get a chance to speak with him 1 on 1.

I just want to plug one thing

Malach personal experience with the Sub Prime Mortgage Crisis.
I was going to reprint the whole blog here, but it is VERY LONG, and would take up a huge chunk of page here, but you can read it here.

I am Malach and there is always hope

The Spin

Nothing gets me all sexy like a little politics. As you all know by now, I lean right and you all mostly lean left. All kidding aside, there are reasons why both parties draw votes, and both parties have a real and important place representing people like you and me.

So what the hell are they doing putting these candidates out for us? In a country of nearly 300 million people, THESE are the most fit to lead?

Let's say I slip up and accidentally agree with most of you that Bush must go. Actually, he must. He can't legally serve another consecutive term. We need a replacement and the challenges are daunting.

Honestly, I wouldn't trust these candidate to lead my cat. I like my cat. I wouldn't wish that on her. Seriously. I can't stand any of them. Do I have some that I definitely would vote against? Yes. Unfortunately, you can't vote against, you must vote for. If only we could roll out a vote of no confidence on all of them and make both parties reselect.

This is like two drunk gamblers trying to bluff with a six high. Someone's going to win, but not because they deserve to.

Let me get your attention here. NO ONE IS DIRECTLY ADDRESSING ANY ISSUES. Crap, lie to me, even, but don't wink and wait for the camera to pan left. No one is taking a stand except on issues that really don't matter, like pther candidates personalities.

What about foreign policy? The comming global recession? Climate change? Energy crisi? Hell, I'd even like to hear about Going to Mars. Here's the problem. Every candidate agrees:

1. Out of Iraq.
2. Peace talks in Palestine.
3. People need money.
4. Government cheese needs funding.

Now.. i gots to go.

Good Ol Minnesota Nice

Even while living in Fla, I heard rumors of MN nice. I've been living here for almost three years now, and I have yet to see it. Now, I've experienced Minnesota passive aggressive. Or Minnesota douchebaggery, but not quite MN nice. I think it's a fucking legend, like leprechauns and straight men that shave their taint.

Anyway, I digress; today I saw this story, which made me positive Minnesota nice is a myth, and people who live here and propegate it need to seriously shut the fuck up. To recap, in case you are too much of a lazy bastard to click the link, a good samaritan stopped to help a badly injured passenger (he sounds like a decent guy, which means he's probably not from MN). While this guy was helping the injured person, two assbags steal and wreck his car.

*slow golf glap*

Awesome guys. I hope some people in our fine Minnesota jails show you some MN nice, with some ass rape action.

Cap'n Flak movie review: CLOVERFIELD

This past weekend, I had the chance to go see the viral marketing hit movie known as CLOVERFIELD. I will fully and outright admit that I enjoyed this film. Considering it starts off with a teaser for the new Star Trek movie, I was already giddy in my seat.

Anyway, the plot to this movie is somewhat obvious. Let's review it:

Set on the future earth, Johnny Rico is a young student dating a girl named Carmen. When Carmen decides to join the military in order to become a citizen, Johnny follows and joins as well. He soon realizes that he joined for the wrong reasons but just as he is about to quit, an asteroid that originated from the orbit of planet "klendathu" hits his home town and kills his family. Johnny and his fellow troopers set out to destroy the planet's inhabitants: a type of deadly and very large scaled space bugs.

Wait, wait, wait. That's not it. Let me try again:

On September 11, 2001 terrorists associated with Al-Queda hijacked four commercial passenger jet airliners. The hijackers intentionally crashed two of the airliners into the World Trade Center in New York City, one plane into each tower, resulting in the collapse of both buildings soon afterward and extensive damage to nearby buildings.

WHOA. That's not it either. One more time:

A giant monster attacks NYC as a going away party full of impossibly good looking people is filmed by a quirky, dumb metrosexual. Crazy shit ensues.

Yes! That's it!

Sounds weak, I know, but it's not. This movie is 152.78% ON BALLS. True, the beginning drags on for a little while, but producer JJ Abrams wants you to get comfortable, complacent and lost (get it? LOST?) in looking at super hotties, overflowing booze and trendy exposed brick walls. As soon as you are sucked in, WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MAAM, the shit hits the monster fan.

And even though the rest of this movie is pretty much predictable, I promise you it doesn't detract in the slightest from the sheer realism of this shakey-cam movie. It's a thrill ride to say the very least.

Now, let's talk about the monster.

No, it's not THIS monster. No, not this monster either. Or even this one. It's something new. Big. Bad. Ballsy. Rest assured that you DO see the monster in all its mighty skyscraper trashing glory.

Before you read any further, if you have yet to see CLOVERFIELD, I want to warn you that I am about to reveal some details about the monster.

Don't worry... I'm not going to cover something that would ruin the movie or be considered a spoiler, it's just not stuff they openly discuss because you are meant to be kept in the dark about where it came from.

Keep in mind that this movie, which only runs for 1 hour and 24 minutes, is supposed to be a review of a digital tape found in what was left of Central Park (you might remember that from the trailer) and you are supposed to have a government conspiracy feeling brewing deep within your imagination.

Ok, anyway, here's the deal. The monster is in fact a baby. Yes, that's right. A baby.

This is not some government project gone horribly wrong or an alien that came from outer space. The real idea behind this 500 foot tall demon of destruction is somewhat more interesting.

It turns out that the monster originated from deep under the ocean along the North Atlantic Ridge. A classified Japanese military satellite crashed to Earth and a ship was dispatched to retrieve whatever was left of it. As they dredged the ocean floor, they accidentally hooked a shell containing the Monster which gestates over the course of thousands upon thousands of years.

That's why it looks like a dinosaur (oh come on, this is hardly a spoiler. What the hell did you think it was going to look like? This?)

Now, this "baby" monster was prematurely born and, as it would have done in its time anyway, tried to go on shore to feed. As it came close, it was run over by a tanker ship, which it subsequently capsized and ran around next to the Status of Liberty, which the Monster also took out its pain and frustration on.

Then it proceeded to go ashore and, finding itself confused from the violent and unusual surroundings, it freaked out and VOILA, New York city is, once again, UNDER ATTACK!

Just so you know, this is one of those movies that you will only want to watch once, you need to see it in a theater and you won't want to go to it on a first date.

It's not that scary movies don't make great date movies, but this movie just might make your hot date throw up his or her popcorn, Junior Mints and Diet Coke from a forced sense of motion sickness (relax... it's really not that bad.)

Two more things:

1. Stay until the end of the credits and listen very closely.

2. See if you can identify the sequel clue. I'll give you a hint. The sequel will not be a prequel or a continuation of this story.

That is all. ROAR!

Hot off the Third Option Media presses...

An exclusive for Patriots Fans

Get 'em while they are hot!
The Eli Manning Ex-Girlfriend Mask! Wear it to the Big Game and throw off Peyton retarded brother! And it all free thanks to your friends at RubberSuit Studios and Third Option Media!

I am Malach, and some sent me a nasty email about the Jonestown video, more at my blog later.

Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace

I know I haven't posted here in a long, long time. I regret it dearly, but the good ol' public school system has really put a damper on my creative endeavors. How sad it is, then, and how angry I am that my return must be because of celebrity death news. I was infuriated by the extended, beating-a-dead-whale coverage of Anna Nicole Smith, and since then I have been jaded by anyone and everyone dying. However, I found something today that deals with the recent death of Heath Ledger that relates in a big way to a post I did a long time ago.

It must have been at least two years ago (the WoW has been around THAT long?) that I posted this, in which I railed against a radical Baptist church for protesting the funerals of American soldiers. It has since been two years, and during this time I have lost my support for organized religions and my hope in those who follow them. Some things remain static, however, as it turns out that these closed-minded, judgmental, completely-missing-the-entire-message-of-religion whack jobs are at it again, this time protesting the funeral of Heath Ledger. Why? For doing his job, of course.

Let's get something straight (figuratively, of course): I'm not what you would call a "fan" of Ledger's. I loved him in The Patriot, but I never really saw any of his other movies. I'm not defending him because I am a huge Ledger follower or anything. I'm defending him because he is a person, a person who deserves to have his memory preserved, a person whose family and friends deserve to mourn him uninterrupted.

Heath Ledger starred in Brokeback Mountain, a movie which garnered much controversy when it was released in 2005. Redneck white trash religious zealots who knew only that the two main characters were homosexual railed against the film. I'm not here to discuss the film in itself, though. I'm writing this merely to point out some objective facts, facts that maybe these uptight ignorant bastards have overlooked.

This movie came out in 2005. That was three years ago. Get over it. Even comedians have stopped making gay cowboy jokes, which is a clear indicator that something is of the past. Since then we've seen the release of The Da Vinci Code and Golden Compass, two movies that are at least relevant to religion in general. Please, go raise a fuss about something a little more recent, and maybe then you'll be taken seriously.

Secondly, Heath Ledger is what people with any sort of education would call an "actor." He gets paid to portray characters formulated by someone else completely in movies. That's his occupation. He portrayed a character who was a homosexual cowboy. He wasn't gay himself, and him dying has nothing to do with him playing a "degenerate" in a movie.

And finally, the man is dead. Wouldn't you, my dearest assholes, say that he has already faced the judgment that you seem to seek for him? I don't know the whole time frame between death and a meeting with the Big Man, but chances are it has already happened. You're too late, and what you have to say matters very little right about now. Let the lovers of that poor heathen mourn their loss in peace. You know what it's like to love, right? Right? Isn't that what Christianity's all about? Love? Why don't you take a little time to find some love yourself? I hear your siblings are looking better and better every day.

Sorry about the long time without posting, guys. For what it's worth, I've started maintaining a journal of ideas, which will hopefully at least spark up some creativity again. I'll try to post more often from now on.

Headline

NEWSBOYS NEWS AGENCY:
January 24th, 2008

At least 300 motorists stranded in snow north of Los Angeles

Hahahahahahahaha.

People of California! This is NEWSBOYS NEWS AGENCY. We have sent flurries to cripple your transportation network. You will hand over Jennifer Love Hewitt for execution immediately. Do not attempt to leave your vehicles. We have you surrounded by smokers and high carb food stands.

Hand over Jennifer Love Hewitt and we can all go back to business as usual.




Oh, come on. You know who she is. We want her now. No one else is using her currently and we want to execute her.

Nevermind.

Self Defense Made Simple

Now, there are a lot of ladies on this here blog, and as a sensitive man, I know that ladies like to look out for themselves. So, I've cobble together some information that you might find useful. Guys, maybe you've gone a bit soft in your old age. This can help you too.

It's a dangerous world out there. A lot of people spend ridiculous sums going to crappy schools for self defense. You don't need a class unless you are training for rank OR very interested in a particular style of martial arts. Defending yourself is easy. Remember, the object of defense is to be defended, not to kick ass. Although, I'll put that as an option last. Rules:

1. Stay in good cardio shape. Whether you run from an assailant (always easier to buy new sneakers than a new intestine) or slug it out, if you have no wind in your lungs, you will pass out. Not good.

2. Always run, unless it's a gun. Exceptions: If you're unable to break free of a grab or is you're surrounded or cornered. This is why we need good cardio health. Run for lights, people, places. Get to a busy store or such.

3. People WILL help. The always say, "Don't yell for help." Bullshit. You'd be shocked how many people want to help.

4. If all else fails, give them what they want UNLESS they want to hurt you or physically take advantage of you.

5. Kicking ass is a great thing, but most of us cannot match a mugger or gang thug for intense violence, pain threshold etc. Remember, most assaults are commited by criminals. Most criminals have taken a lifetime of beatings. If you do confront, you need to understand that in all likelyhood, you're going to get hurt bad.

That being said, sometimes it's time to throw down. You don't need anything complicated. Usually, a set of car keys is all you'll need. A metal pen works well. Even eyeliner pencils.

If you have absolutely nothing on you, fingers work well.

Eyes - Always jab shit into eyes. First, it criples one of five senses. Two, it hurts like hell. Three, most people are NOT trained to overcome their reflexes. If you jad the eye, the hands will fly off you and up to they wound.

Mouth - Sounds weird, but gag reflex is powerful. This is best done with something besides a hand. You don't want to get bit. Assailants will often get too close. Their mouths are sometimes open, trying to gey more oxygen. Get something in their throat. Even spraying a mouth with something astringent, like perfume, can work.

Throat - It takes less force to crush someone's windpipe than it does to crash a beer can. Take the ardest thing you can find and aim for the adam's apple. Even a palm, fist or elbow will do.

Sternum - Just under the sternum, there's a soft spot. Slide your finger down the center of your chest until you feel where the bone ends. It might feel like a small button. Once again, right on that sport, very little pressure is needed. Car keys poked into this area do well. The biggest problem? Getting there. Oddly, people tend to defend that spot pretty well with no training whatsoever, soooooo....

Armpit - What? Uhuh. Any good shot into the armpit can be deadly. Realize, if you screw up, you're going to go to jail for a long long time. I won't go into the biology of it, but it's a bad place to get hit. Internal bleeding in that area is fatal. How do you get there? Well, this is when the assailent has arms out towards neck or shoulder. Come up underneath as hard as you can with whatever you can.

Things not to do:

DO NOT DROP TO THE GROUND! You are not a cage fighter. Many self defense classes teach women especially to fall down and use their legs. NO NO NO. The best use of legs is running. Stay on your feet and out of range.

NEVER THROW A KICK unless you are a highly trained martial artist. You want to stay up. Two legs on ground ready to run.

Don't struggle. Relax your muscles and make one decisive attempt to break free. You've got one chance, not fifteen little pointless chances. Save your energy for the one chance and for running.

Never go alone. Always go places with a few people if possible. Groups of three or more are much much much less likely to be victimized. There's easier targets out there for assailants.


Remember: everything you own is a weapon, but we're not looking to be a soldier here. The main focus is survival intact, with purse/wallet if at all possible.

The greatest lesson is humility. You are not a superhero. Don't act like one. Run first. Humans are designed to run. We can all do it well. Most of us suck at fighting, even when trained to blackbelt or higher. Streetfights are not like movies, or 'karate' class. Unhurt = WIN.

Last Photo of Heath Ledger

This is the last know photo of Heath Ledger, taken moments before his death. As he hopped into his Delorian, he was overheard saying, "If I can jump the Snake River Canyon, you owe me ten Oreos." The fire hydrant did not respond.

Police estimate he was doing 120 when he died. 120 grams of COKE that he was SMOKING from a GLASS PIPE as he made his first and, supposedly, last attempt to drive over the edge of the known universe.

"DRUGS!," he shouted out of the window of his car in downtown Austin Texas, "Who's got 'em who needs 'em??? I LOVE DRUGS!" The car vanished, leaving only blazing tire tracks and a baffled Marty McFly behind.

Somehow his body ended up in that apartment wherever. Detectives speculate that he had actually taken enough substances to generate 1.21 gigawats of psychic power and leapt into another dimension, discarding his body in the process.

Tom Cruise admitts that he has seen Ledger's spirit since. "Hahaha, yeah. We have those answers too. Ha. Heath ha ha is in my ha ha house doing the Thetan Dance with my wives ha. Oh. I LOVE Heath. When I was sane, I used to have a poster of him in my bathroom. I've watched that cowboy porno he did. I, um, got grossed out and now I like birds. Hawks mostly. I fuck hawks."

So, fear not dear reader. Heath is somewhere, probably in Hell with the rest of the dead actors.

RIP, my best friend ever.

My 14 year old heart just broke!

Heath Ledger is dead!!!! OMFG... I was totally wet for him in 9th grade when "10 things I hate about you" came out (partially because I wanted to do filthy things to Julia Stiles' face). But still. One of the many reasons I never saw Brokeback Mountain was because I didn't want to have my mental picture of him marred by the ass fucking content of the movie.

Anyway, so he's dead. If this were 1999 I'd be crying and screaming at the sky. Good thing it's not. The amusing aspect of this is the advertisement on the yahoo news story:



Decaying zombie guys on a story about someone dying young? HILLLARITY!!!!!!!

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

Finally!

Paramount posted a teaser of the new Star Trek film from producer director JJ Abrams!!!!

Now that shit is ON BALLS.

Also, you can see a shot of the new-old Enterprise here.

AND OMGOMG WTF IS THIS?!

WoW CONTEST: Can you identify this music?

Calling all music lovers! Calling all music lovers!

Consider this to be a genuine challenge:

I need you to identify this song.

Whoever comes up with the correct answer first wins a big box of branded gift items overnighted to you from my office at Monster.

Now, I'm not talking boring old pens and pads either. I'm talking about the good stuff. Fleece blankets, jackets, golf toys, stuffed monsters, desktop gadgets, etc. etc. etc.

I might even toss in an autographed picture of yours truly.

Oh come on... you KNOW you want it.

How to play: simply identify the title of the song and the artist which I will then verify. Whoever is the first to post the correct answer in the comments section wins. That's it.

I will contact the winner directly to arrange shipment of the prizes and even provide access to an online catalog so you can tell me exactly what you want. I'll set a limit of around $250 to spend.

Let the game begin!

Shaving Update

It’s official. I’ve got a scar. My face is permanently disfigured.

I blame Eve for this. After all, she bought me a razor that wasn’t sharp enough, so I had to switch to one that was—one that scarred me. Thanks to her, my dream of being an Abercrombie & Fitch model is now permanently shattered.

If I had a nickel for every time Eve has ruined my life, I could retire today.

Eve, you just suck.

HELP!

Mark Schlereth is sending me threatening emails!

Dear Poo Head,

Your stupid New England Patriots will lose today. Why? Let me tell you why. Here's why. Why is because Tom Brady is a ca ca poo. He is a big flip face with a smelly butt. Another thing. Bill Bellycheck (sic) is a big fatty fat moron who can't coach his way out of a revolving door filled with doo doo.

You, Chris, are a pee pee mouth piddle pronger with lifts in your shoes. I think that anyone who likes the Patriots also likes to smell their own turds. Mmmmm mmmmm. Smell your own turd, poo doo doo doo smeller. Your armpits smell and your ears smell like a fresh doo doo poop. I am Mark Schlereth, you dinkhole. I will beat you up, snot bum. I played with a guy named John Elway and he was like Brady's arch enemy, even though they never played against each other, or at least I wasn't there if they did.

You crap. I hate you and you have a very bad odor from your armpits, your mouth, your tushie and your front parts. I am sure that you are going to be so mad when the Patriots LOOSE (sic)!!! Hahahahahaha. You... you fart. Farty cheeks! Your butt creaks and it reeks like your horrible armpit breath. I'm going to kill you with a knife??? Yep. You die.

Love,

Stink

Help me Malach! What do I do?

A little something for Dr. Murk

I am Malach, your Rocket Queen

X really does mark the spot

How far has Google come in indexing the entire planet? Pretty god damn far, and I, for one, am impressed.

For example, let's say that you want to know the exact spot where President Kennedy was shot on that fateful November day in 1963. No problem! You don't need to travel to Dallas. You just need to take a short trip down the information super highway!

Fasten your desktop seatbelt and check this out:

View Larger Map

Do you see the "X" next to where it says Elm St.? Yeah, that's it. You know.... back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back... and to the left.

Let me tell you, who ever is driving that white convertible Camaro might want to be careful. Someone might decide to perform a little reenactment.

Gerer TO! More Theology.

Mental Feng Shui This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you -- and me! Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutesThere's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far. Do not keep this message.The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired. ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN! When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediat e steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone. Now, here's the FUN part! Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks 15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.

You should join Scientology!

Because if you don't become a Scientologist, you are a retarded fucksack.

Watch this video and you'll understand that Scientology is THE WAY.

I'm in. Are you?

More from my new found LOLCAT addiction.

I can't help it. I can't stop. I think I need help.

Hi. My name is Cap'n Flak and I am a lolcataholic.

• Dinosaur
• Yoda
• Mac Cat
• Cape Fear
• Monopoly
• Howard Dean
• Fat Man
• Spider Momma
• Crazy
  
• Phony Bert
• Fags
  
• Sphinx
• Passenger Dog
• Giraffe
• Acid Cat
• Monster
• Blackballed
  
• Elephant
• Stormtrooper
• Broken Jet
• Close Shave
• This man's army
• High Five
• Pool
  
• Runway Cats
• President
• Sour
  
• Zebrahorse
• Dolphin
• Wires
• Squatter
  
• Lion Sex
• Lioness
• Monitor
• 2girls
• Protest
  
• Bridge
• Football
  

and my personal favorite:

• Chipmunk
  

Alert

Hey d*ckhead, buy a pellet stove!

Mutha f*ckas be wastin' oil an makin carbon monoxide an sh*t.

Pellet stove get up in yo face an get filthy. But... not filthy as in ash filthy, you MUTHAF*CKAS!!!!

Stop oil addiction, fool!

People scare me...

ah, the Fundamentalist religious right!
So strong in their beliefs, they don't actually need to educate themselves, look into facts, or even be rational.
Ol' Hobbsy here has nothing against folks who choose to be religious, have a belief system, go to church, et al. My problem begins with poor judgement, close-minded beliefs that no one is right unless they agree with you, or that they are going to hell because they don't share your beliefs.

And, hysterically, I was just introduced to the top 100 quotes from a forum sight for just that tye of close minded fundamentalists.

I've only just started reading, but I wanted to share a quite hysterical quote. There are actually from a forum at the site www.freejesus.net !

Enjoy:

"Athiests as a Majority

This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.

ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.

ATHIEST DAD: Hey!
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST DAD: Why not?
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!

Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.
ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there!

The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that!

Die, Christian!

THE END

Scary, isn't it? "

Yes, it really is!

Snake Eyes

My interview with Snake Eyes.

I recently had the chance to interview the most awesome G.I. Joe hustla of all time, Mr. Snake Eyes.

Murk: Good evening Mr. Snake Eyes.

Snake Eyes: .....

Murk: I hope you enjoyed your flight.

Snake Eyes: .....

Murk: So, there's been a lot of fucked up stuff going on between you and Cobra, huh?

Snake Eyes: .....

Murk: You know, some people speculate that you, with your shady past, used to be a Cobra operative.

Snake Eyes: .

Murk: Well?

Snake Eyes: (draws sword)

Murk: Okay, nevermind.

Snake Eyes: (lays sword on his lap)

Murk: People wanr to know, back when Duke took over, you were unhappy. You liked that bearded guy better, right?

Snake Eyes: .....

Murk: Well, he had that fifty cal machine gun. I know I'd trust him over a guy with a pistol and a bad haircut, too.

Snake Eyes: (looks at grenage belt)

Murk: What's your favorite kind of pizza?

Snake Eyes: .....

Murk: I'll buy you some if you'll be my friend.

Snake Eyes: (thumbs up)

Murk: Okay, so bananas and achovies it is. How the hell are you going to eat it?

Snake Eyes: ?

Murk: You'll have to take off your mask.

Snake Eyes: !!!!!

Murk: Well, I don't know. Maybe you could trust me. You said we were friends.

Snake Eyes: (stands up and heads for the door)

Murk: Hey. What am I going to do with the pizza? I hate bananas.

Snake Eyes: ..!..

Murk: Asshole.


After removing the shuriken from my forehead and watching good old Snake Eyes ambush the delivery boy, I realized something important. Man was not meant to be friends with Snake Eyes. All we could do was maintain an uneasy relationship of respect and fear.

As I watched him go, I waved and a tear fell from my eye. Whatever the fuck he is, he kicks ass.

My contributions to the world of LOLCATS!

Glassbooths in Jonestown

JONESTOWN update
Well, the nuts are out on this one. We still have two idiot posting daily comments threatening us, and insulting our intelligence, and our personal appearances, and now they are joined by a new one. This doofus calls himself Capnsenemny (yeah, that how it is spelled) and the only video he has put up is a response to Jonestown. Obviously this person is the Bizarro Captain Flak Paperpants.

I would also like to thank, my blogging buddy Curvesalot (Piper check out her belly dancing video, you will fall in love) and her husband Scott, who have both come to Chicken Moon's defense, Scott who had posted a video response to Amandalee.

So have fun with this one, it is going to go on for a while, and wait until you see the sequel: WACO!

Glass Booths
A co-worker pointed out this site to me, very interesting, especially if you are weighing multiple candidates, it matches you with who your most closely in line with. Malach got Mike Gravel (who the Hell is he?), Dennis Kucinich(I'd vote for his hot wife), and Hillary in that order. It kind of surprised me, but I guess it is my stance on Universal Health Care, Immigrant Issues, and Gay Marriage that swung me over there. Try it out and post below.

I am Malach and no, no, no, boring, boring BORING!

JESUS CHRIST. For a second there I thought Biggs was going to kiss him.

Check out these lost Star Wars scenes and comment on what you think.



Did anyone else catch him smack Luke's ass?

Come on now, that is, SO Brokeback.

Yeah

Check me out
Eatz me!

I am Malach and I have consumed the Body of Christ

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - Part VII

Our Dick has a mind of his own and he just doesn't know when to quit. But, that's OK, because we know you love our Dick.

DICK BIGGMAN.

He's the guy that makes you shudder when he walks into a room.

Maybe it's because you want shoot him in the balls. Or maybe it's because you want him to shoot you with his balls.

Either way, check this out:


Episode 35, Episode 36, Episode 37, Episode 38, Episode 39, Episode 40, BONUS EPISODE!

The Final Hump Day Jokes

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river.

The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back -

"People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

~*~*~*~*~

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine.

Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine..."You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about."What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads...

"DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

~*~*~*~*~

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out

"GREEN SIDE UP! "

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

~*~*~*~*~

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that," the host asked? Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!"

~*~*~*~*~

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell.""Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."They went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid.""No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

~*~*~*~*~

Okay WoWees, this is my last instalment of Hump Day Jokes. *awwwww* I know you all are heart broken over the news huh? *laffs* But never fear I am not going far. I am throwing some ideas around in my head of something new to offer the WoW. I’ll be back around the middle of February with my new shitt. Right now I’m getting ready for the wedding and it is taking all my free time.

~wicked love always~

Several Broads Malach would Poke

Cause my broads are better than the Angry Piper's broads . .
Well, except for the first one, which is the same, Polly Jean Harvey

What is it about Polly Jean, I am so fascinated with? Not sure. Perhaps it's her overt sexuality, her angry woman lyrics, not sure, but I would leave my wife for her if she came knocking

Dr. Girlfriend
How could you not love a woman who's part Jackie O, part mad scientist, and has bad taste in men. Oh and that voice! And she's a cartoon woman which is even hotter .

Lucy Daughter of the Devil
OK, I like Cartoon girls. I wanted to add Frankie Foster too, but that would be too weird.

And you know what's cool? She the daughter of the Devil, how cool is that?

Grey Delisle
Beautiful, beautiful singing voice. OK this is sad, but If I was poking her, I would want her talking in the voice of Mandy, from the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, which she does, and abuse me like Mandy does Billy.

More at a later date, perhaps with some bloggers . . . .

My loltheist submission
Tequila's post about loltheist.com inspired me to do one of my own and submit it. I am going to post it here as I think they won't accept it, being not a old uncopyrighted painting from the Middle Ages, but so what.

I am Malach, and your going to Hell, not me.