Movie Review: Carnie Wilson's War

Carnie Wilson's War
By Dr. Murk




Carnie Wilson: Fat

So, I went to Vinnie's Video to rent a movie. I was looking for that new one about how Carnie Wilson ate the Russian Army in Afghanistan. I asked Vinnie, because I could not find it. I looked in the drama, heavy chicks, and porno sections ( seeing Angry Piper in the drama section, crying while he looked at the cover of The Cider House Rules).

So, Vinnie says, "It ain't in yet."

I says, "When's it coming in?"

He says, "You gotta hold on for one more day."

"But I got this movie review to do," I says.

"Hold on, indeed, chums!" The Angry Piper burst in between us. "I know about this movie which you speak. I have... seen it." We gaped in agony. No. Surprise? Yes. That's it.

"Well, old friend," I said, "It seems that we have crossed paths after a long time at just this moment for a reason."

"You mean since we crossed paths in the drama section a few minutes ago?" he asked.

"Indeed," I said. "Say, why were you crying anyways?"

"Oh," he said with a wistful smile, "I was caught by a sad memory of when I once knew a young girl such as seen in that movie. Beautiful. Striking Asian features. She smashed all of my bottles of Cider and made me walk on the glass."

"Sounds like my wife," I said.

"It was," he said. "Anywho, no. No I cannot help you write this review. My affection for Carnie would taint... taint... mmmmmm... Carlie taint... ahem. Um, it would bring the full love and devotion for Carlie into the light of day. Plus, I hav this whole date with destiny tonight."

"No problem," I said.

"FATHER!!!!" he shouted, "THE SLEEPER HAS AWOKEN!!!!!" He ran headlong through the display window, into route six traffic, took a few bumps from the cars and trucks and rolled into an open sewer pipe.

So, I'm going to review the movie without his help and without the movie.

First off, this movie is heavy. It's full of delicious fun. The camera work is a feast for the eyes. Get the large popcorn because it's a big big movie. You have to see it wide screen. I give it two tons up.

The End.