An open letter to all convenience store lottery players
Dear convenience store lottery players,
HOLY SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU. You are the degenerate dregs of American society and I really wish you would just get the fuck out of my way so I can take two fucking seconds to purchase my orange Gatorade and my delicious Slim Jims.
But, no. You have to stand there and take all fucking day to make your weak, feeble minds up. We have to stand in line behind you and listen to such famous quotes as:
"Um, yeah, hi. Let's see... can I get, um, two number twelves, one number thirty-two and can you choose a twenty dollar ticket for me? No, not that one. No, not that one either. Yeah, that one. Ok, good choice. I also need a grape flavored blunt and a whole bunch of cold medicine."
"Yeah, I need, uhhh, 10 quick picks, 5 any order, 5 exact order, um, 3 Powerball tickets and, uh, let's see, OH YEAH, I need 4 MegaBucks. But, wait, hang on while I fill out these cards with the right numbers. I gotta use my lucky numbahs, you know?"and my personal favorite:
"Yeah, um, ok, can you read me the last four numbers in the serial number of the Lucky Aces tickets? Do they end in 202? Ok, forget it. How about the Double Cherries? No? Fuck. Ok, let's see. You know what? Fuck it. Give me 1 Gold Bar, 2 Cash Whammers, 3 Bingo Bucks, 4 Green Machines and 5 of them Lucky Sox tickets too. Yeah. Ok, now check this pile of old Keno tickets while I scratch these winners off. Fuck, now where did I put my lucky scratching penny? Oh, I know. IT'S UP MY DIRTY, NASTY, SHIT RIDDEN ASS."You are a nothing but a roaming band of disrespectful, annoying, low life, pig fucking garbage people. CHRIST, you freaks really piss me off.
You make my fucking 4 year old kid wait for 5 minutes to buy his prized lollipop while you indulge your pathetic addictions?FUCK YOU.
But, don't worry, you fuck headed shit fuckers, it's not all your fault. After all, these wallet raping stores run by English-as-a-second-language mother fuckers need to put a better system in place so you can take your sweet ass eating time pissing your money down the throat of the commonwealth while the rest of us pop in and out for milk and powered donuts.
FUCK YOU.
How about a lottery only line? Or an automated lottery teller machine? Or, wait, how about lottery only stores where all these drugged out butt smoking booze consumers can hang out together at 2AM. Yeah, that'd work! So when I have to run out for some random item in the middle of the night I don't have to look at you standing around watching the Keno screen like it is your own personal great god damn Jesus.
Thanks for nothing, assholes. I'll never get those 1500 collective minutes back in my ever shortening life.
I really hate you and I now don't feel any better about it.
FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Cap'n Flak Paperpants
P.S.: FUCK! I mean.... FUCK! SERIOUSLY!
Labels: Cap'n Flak Paperpants, lottery fucksticks, on balls, open letter
posted by Captain Flak Paperpants @ 3:22 PM
9 Comments:
so, you DONT play these games? how else are you going to win big? let's hope for your sake slim jims has some sort of contest, because that's the only way to better your life. fuck hard work or any of that jazz, it's time to get some motherfucking keno action!
I worked at a party store the summer between my senior year of high school and first year of college. There was a woman who spend 20 bucks on the lotto every week. Not only that, but she had 20 different number series that she would play. This was back in the day when you had to enter them manually, so it took forever.
When you figure out how much money that is per year, it could have taken her on one hell of a vacation in those days (late 80's). I can tell you that in the three months I worked there, she didn't even pick up one of the smaller lotto prizes.
Buy a case of beer and move the fuck on...
The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. They deserve to lose every penny.
Tax the stupid people!
Sounds like the Cap'n has his own personal lottery demons . . .
That's OK, Gov. Duvall will bring us Casinos, and the Lottery will go out of business.
My Dad once taught me that "you win a dollar every time but not playing."
That doesn't really make any sense, but I liked the saying.
That saying being said, I don't play any lottery games.
lottery tickets give great freedom an are a god given right.
an itch you cant scratch
I don't play Lotto!!! I have never played either, not interested lol
Torture is not legal... ripping people off is.
You can make it in Massachusetts!
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home