An open letter of apology to all the insects I have ruthlessly murdered.

Dear dead bugs, insects and their survivors,

I want to start off this letter by apologizing for killing you in torturous and terrible ways over the course of my 33 years of precious life. I feel ashamed. I really, really do.

No, really, I do. Not suicidal sorry, but sorry nonetheless.

It's not that I'm a crazy mass murderer in training or anything weird like that, it's just that, to be honest, I don't fucking like you.

Now, I fully admit that from the time I was a child until, roughly, around the time I started having children of my own, I would find clever and inventive ways to do away with any invading insects.

To quote a post from early last year:

"I don't care if the bees make sweet, sweet honey or if the spiders eat a variety of other annoying bastard bugs.

I FUCKING HATE THE BEES AND THE SPIDERS!!!! I WILL KILL THEM AT ANY AND ALL OPPORTUNITY I AM GIVEN!!!! I AM SERIOUS HERE, PEOPLE! THESE CREEPY LITTLE BASTARDS DESERVE TO DIE A HORRID DEATH!

Why? Because they show us no respect! They invade our homes, offices and even our cars. They hurt us and bite us and tease us and taunt us!

I mean, they're lower than even those stupid asshead mosquito mother fuckers. GOD! Those guys piss me off too!

Once they are dead... having been killed by broom, chemical, fire, fist, frost or frippery... I like to leave their dead carcasses lying around AS A WARNING TO THE REST OF THEM."

In retrospect, I see now that this is not a universally harmonious way to live. I believe in the fundamental unification of all things, so how can I possibly treat a fellow creature of the Great Architect with such dastardly disrespect?

And what if I am doomed to an afterlife sentence in some sort of hell where I am banished to be treated the same way by some reincarnated giant devil bug? Hey, anything is possible, right? Besides, the ancient Egyptians believed that is what happens when a person dies. That is why they built giant pyramids. You know, to protect them from the giant devil bugs that would come to haunt them in the next world. True story!

When I was younger, I actually went so far as to mix up a special chemical concoction of all kinds of medical and cleaning agents I found around the house, poured them into an empty semi-transparent bottle of Coppertone sunblock lotion and placed it under the sink in my childhood home. Then I would trap bugs, spiders, bees, flies, etc. in the bottle, cap it, and proceed to swirl and violently shake them until they died. Once I was sure they were gone, I would place the bottle back under the sink and leave it there... full of dead bugs.

Hmmmm... I wonder if my Mom or Dad ever found that bottle when they were redoing the bathrooms and had a serious WTF moment.

Man, I was one sick fuck and I feel really bad about it. I have for a long time. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking?

Am I sorry? Oh hell yeah. Would I ever do something like that again? No. Absolutely not.

Now I just use barbecue grill lighters and my size 12 big ass steel toed black boot (awesome.)

I figure a quick, hot flame ride or a slam from my rubber sole is far more humane... or bugane... than some of the other psycho shit I used to do.

Anyway, sorry about that guys. But, seriously, if you are relatively tiny, have 6 legs or can fly, stay the fuck away from me because I can't be trusted.

You have been warned. AGAIN.

Sincerely,
Cap'n Flak Paperpants

P.S.: Don't even get me started on those fucking squirrels and my Granpa's bb-gun.