Cap'n Flak movie review: CLOVERFIELD

This past weekend, I had the chance to go see the viral marketing hit movie known as CLOVERFIELD. I will fully and outright admit that I enjoyed this film. Considering it starts off with a teaser for the new Star Trek movie, I was already giddy in my seat.

Anyway, the plot to this movie is somewhat obvious. Let's review it:

Set on the future earth, Johnny Rico is a young student dating a girl named Carmen. When Carmen decides to join the military in order to become a citizen, Johnny follows and joins as well. He soon realizes that he joined for the wrong reasons but just as he is about to quit, an asteroid that originated from the orbit of planet "klendathu" hits his home town and kills his family. Johnny and his fellow troopers set out to destroy the planet's inhabitants: a type of deadly and very large scaled space bugs.

Wait, wait, wait. That's not it. Let me try again:

On September 11, 2001 terrorists associated with Al-Queda hijacked four commercial passenger jet airliners. The hijackers intentionally crashed two of the airliners into the World Trade Center in New York City, one plane into each tower, resulting in the collapse of both buildings soon afterward and extensive damage to nearby buildings.

WHOA. That's not it either. One more time:

A giant monster attacks NYC as a going away party full of impossibly good looking people is filmed by a quirky, dumb metrosexual. Crazy shit ensues.

Yes! That's it!

Sounds weak, I know, but it's not. This movie is 152.78% ON BALLS. True, the beginning drags on for a little while, but producer JJ Abrams wants you to get comfortable, complacent and lost (get it? LOST?) in looking at super hotties, overflowing booze and trendy exposed brick walls. As soon as you are sucked in, WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU MAAM, the shit hits the monster fan.

And even though the rest of this movie is pretty much predictable, I promise you it doesn't detract in the slightest from the sheer realism of this shakey-cam movie. It's a thrill ride to say the very least.

Now, let's talk about the monster.

No, it's not THIS monster. No, not this monster either. Or even this one. It's something new. Big. Bad. Ballsy. Rest assured that you DO see the monster in all its mighty skyscraper trashing glory.

Before you read any further, if you have yet to see CLOVERFIELD, I want to warn you that I am about to reveal some details about the monster.

Don't worry... I'm not going to cover something that would ruin the movie or be considered a spoiler, it's just not stuff they openly discuss because you are meant to be kept in the dark about where it came from.

Keep in mind that this movie, which only runs for 1 hour and 24 minutes, is supposed to be a review of a digital tape found in what was left of Central Park (you might remember that from the trailer) and you are supposed to have a government conspiracy feeling brewing deep within your imagination.

Ok, anyway, here's the deal. The monster is in fact a baby. Yes, that's right. A baby.

This is not some government project gone horribly wrong or an alien that came from outer space. The real idea behind this 500 foot tall demon of destruction is somewhat more interesting.

It turns out that the monster originated from deep under the ocean along the North Atlantic Ridge. A classified Japanese military satellite crashed to Earth and a ship was dispatched to retrieve whatever was left of it. As they dredged the ocean floor, they accidentally hooked a shell containing the Monster which gestates over the course of thousands upon thousands of years.

That's why it looks like a dinosaur (oh come on, this is hardly a spoiler. What the hell did you think it was going to look like? This?)

Now, this "baby" monster was prematurely born and, as it would have done in its time anyway, tried to go on shore to feed. As it came close, it was run over by a tanker ship, which it subsequently capsized and ran around next to the Status of Liberty, which the Monster also took out its pain and frustration on.

Then it proceeded to go ashore and, finding itself confused from the violent and unusual surroundings, it freaked out and VOILA, New York city is, once again, UNDER ATTACK!

Just so you know, this is one of those movies that you will only want to watch once, you need to see it in a theater and you won't want to go to it on a first date.

It's not that scary movies don't make great date movies, but this movie just might make your hot date throw up his or her popcorn, Junior Mints and Diet Coke from a forced sense of motion sickness (relax... it's really not that bad.)

Two more things:

1. Stay until the end of the credits and listen very closely.

2. See if you can identify the sequel clue. I'll give you a hint. The sequel will not be a prequel or a continuation of this story.

That is all. ROAR!