The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - Part V

Sure, it's almost the new year, but that doesn't mean you can't get a little more Dick in you before the resolutions start.

So, go ahead, enjoy some Dick. Dick Biggman.

He's your favorite middle aged, fat faced, beer gut ridden fuck sack of cock gestures. So, keep your eyes peeled and your kids safe because when the Dick comes out, you never know what is going to happen.

Episode 22, Episode 23, Episode 24, Episode 25

BONUS EPISODE ONE, BONUS EPISODE TWO!

10 Things I Did Do Today

1.Masterbated in the shower while thinking of Tequila masterbating in the shower.
2.Made some red hot cinnamon scented candles.
3.Cleaned the crappers.
4.Farted half a dozen times.
5.Blog surfed.
6.Made some homemade veggie beef soup.
7.Initiated the new mattress.(wink)
8.Took all of my meds on time.
9.Sang along to some Celine Dion songs.
10.Played with my youngest sons Optimus Prime helmet.

Ten Things the San Francisco Zoo staff will do today

1. Stop old feeding program of only allowing tigers to eat after they have successfully attacked a lifelike human effigy.

2. Finally get around to putting tigers in actual tiger grotto, not keep them in old penguin grotto anymore.

3. Stop taking the shady contractors word for how tall walls are.

4. Purchase measuring tapes.

5. Borrow luminol from SFPD, see if there are any other blood trails we should now about.

6. Start new public education campaign: "Don't taunt the tigers."

7. Cancel old advertising campaign: "Bet you're not brave enough to put your leg in the tiger grotto."

8. Cancel Tatiana's scheduled performance on Letterman's "Stupid Animal Tricks."

9. Stop laughing at the cop who told Tatiana to "stop!"

10. Wonder what in the hell Police Chief Fong has on Mayor Newsom that could possibly be keeping her employed.

The 10 things I will do Today

These are entirely more entertaining than Capt. PaperFlakWhateverPants.

1. Masterbate in the shower (check.)
2. Write a porographic story to another blogger (this person shall remain anonymous)
3. See Alvin and the Chipmunks against my will.
4. Refuse extra cheese on my sandwich at lunch
5. Do stomach crunches to distract myself from the obesity statistics of Wisconsin.
6. Try to hide my snide haughtiness that I do not live in Wisc.
7. Become frustrated for the gazillionth time at the dial up I am using.
8. Refuse cheese shreddings in my dinner salad.
9. James Bond sneak some bourbon into my eggnog.
10. Retire early to my room to send filthy text messages to my lady whores.

10 Things I am going to do today.

Please note that these action items are not listed in any particular order.

1. Change every name in my IM buddy list to "Smurf."
2. Hug my Roomba.
3. Receive a large sword as a gift.
4. Practice eating with one eye closed.
5. Ignore the constant low battery warnings.
6. Drive fast, turn hard right, pull up emergency brake, enjoy.
7. Hug my Roomba again.
8. Send Brian some horribly insulting text messages.
9. Get wasted and watch free movies on demand.
10. Light something on fire.

Thank you for your time.

MurToon

This is another MurToon for all you WoW Hookers out there!

Recently Rediscovered Image

Classic.

The Latest

Fellow revolutionaries, comrades and faithful readers:

There are some interesting developments in WoWville. First, in January, we will commence the launch of Wand of Wonder LIVE. This blog will remain active, but the new WoW Live will provide readers and official WoW bloggers to create interactive content instantly. Malach is the point man on this one, and Captain Flak has a vision of over 1 million subscribers in one year. Feel free to chime in with any suggestions.

Also, the work with Monster Worldwide continues. We are currently producing video material for internal purposes for them. In fact, I'm taking a brief break to write this. Those of you interested in helping with this or any Third Option Media innitiative may contact me at drmurk@hotmail.com . Remember, this is a business venture and pays to keep the lights on here and at our affiliate sites, so please, if you want to discuss financial things like compensation for writing your dumb little articles, forget it. We work very hard on these projects and we only get paid for projects we actually work on. The WoW etc is a side benefit (albeit a nice one).

Last but not least, Mr. Morris, Mr. Hurst and myself are embarking upon a long literary project of the utmost importance. I truly believe we have solved a few of the critical problems facing most modern people today, and we will share as the book reaches its completion. Several of you have asked to collaborate on just such a project. That's wonderful, but I need to know what you bring to the table and we are on a timeline. If you want to help, contact is above.

Thank you for your time.

M

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - Part IV

Just when you thought it was safe to come back online after the holidays, you get hit in the face with some hardcore Dick.

Dick Biggman, that is!

You love to hate him and you hate to love him. Why? Because he's a shit minded fuck sack full of chauvinistic, egotistical, sexist comments and he doesn't give a rat's anus what you think.

And so, here you go:

Episode 16, Episode 17, Episode 18, Episode 19, Episode 20

BONUS EPISODE!

Christmas Treat

Hey everyone! Merry Christmas!

I thought I'd share a nice chocolate treat with you. Try not to eat it all in one bite.

Enjoy!

Merry Xmas WoWees

The WoW wishes you all Happy Holidays
To the contributers who make this popular, the readers, and anyone else. Happy Holidays. Now don't get jealous, I got a special gift for the Angry Piper . . . For you next thread on Who You Want to Do the Sex With . . . I present your love, Toyi, expecially dressed for you:I am Malach and I get the job done

Merry CHRISTmas from Murk and Malach

That's right.
The Murk and Malach CHRISTmas Podcast is up, and this year, before Xmas. Check it out.

Show 18: CHRISTmas Without the Piper! It is the third annual Murk and Malach Show CHRISTmas Podcast, out in time for the Holidays (for once)! Unfortunately the Angry Piper could not join us this year but we carried on without him. We of course discuss the holidays, have some festive music, talk a bit of Boston Sports, answer fan mail, a special CHRISTmas Pageant, and in our annual tradition, give out presents and lots of them. There is a CONTEST TOO! So get your egg nog, and sit around the fire and listen to the annual yuletide tradtion. Your holidays won't be complete without it!

Man, I feel like I am tooting my own horn here, but this one is funny. I have listened to it three times already. Presents galore for all the WoWees! Click here to link directly to the mp3. It is about an hour and half long, and ok for work, but does contain some profanity. Enjoy it and Happy Holidays!

I am Malach and I am festive

A Christmas Carol

Courtesy of Siouxsie Sioux.
Scary that Murk, Malach and I all know the words.

The Dark Knight

So the new trailer for the Dark Knight was on the net a few days ago. And for those who have not yet seen it, here it is:

Hump Day Jokes ...

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."

~**~**~**~

This penguin was having car problems, so he pulled his car into the garage for a check-up. The mechanic points at the restaurant across the street and says, "Go over there and get a bite to eat, and I'll take a look." The penguin does exactly as he says. After a while he waddles back, and the mechanic is looking under the hood. The penguin asks him if he's been able to figure out what went wrong. The mechanic glances over his shoulder and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says, "Oh, no, no --That's just tartar sauce."

~**~**~**~

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down." So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking. The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight." "I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking." "So why are you shaking?" asked the lion. "Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."

~~wicked love~~

Things Not To Say

In the spirit of the Holidays, fuck off angry women bitch! And for you guys out there, some ammo for the next round of humilliating psycho fit throwing by your woman:

Things we don't say to our wives, but wish we did:

"The point is, we both know you could have done a lot better than me... and still been just as pissed off at that lucky guy."

"Truth is you should have married a slave dressed up as a punching bag."

"Look, I made some tea for you to drink while eating my soul."

"You're right. I need to do more around the house. And I will. Just let me finish rubbing your feet and back and doing the laundy and shoveling the walk and making you dinner and clearing the dishes and carrying you to bed so that I can leave your TV programs on while I watch you sleep."

"You bitch. Sorry, but it's so true."

"I believe we agreed to two blow jobs per year."

"Wow. Well since you put it that way, I'm super motivated and wicked happy to grant all your fucking wishes, my Queen."

"How did I get so lucky? And to think, I could have been hit by a car and killed and missed all this."

"Next thing you know you'll be asking me to help with all the whining and the bitching too."

"I'm sorry honey. I'll make it up to you. Here. You go to bed and I'll sit up crying for you."

"We can't always get what we want. I wanted less yelling at me. Did I get it?"

"I'll agree to be more understanding if you'll make enough sense to understand."

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - Part III

Well, the holidays are here and what does everyone want this year?

MORE DICK.

That's right, it's time for Dick Biggman: your favorite insulting, pig headed sexual predator.

You might think you know what a shit laden asshole looks like until you meet Dick.

He wrote the book on the modern day asshole.

Episode 10, Episode 11, Episode 12, Episode 13, Episode 14, Episode 15

Bonus: Christmas Episode!

I can make webcomics too!

Introducing:

MurToon

Amazing Office Battles - they still exist!

I thought these were gone forever. I honestly thought they were lost to the deleted internet pages purgatory for all time.

But, thank god, I was wrong, and I found them! Click the links below for some classic ON BALLS super action excitement!

AOB VI, AOB VII, AOB VIII, AOB IX, AOB X, AOB XI

(Notes: these Amazing Office Battles are about four or five years old. The first five were not saved in the same manner as these ones and are unquestionably lost forever. Originally, the AOBs were submitted to an online forum I used to belong to under the name Neekie. Why Neekie? It's simple. Geek + Nerd = Neek or Neekie. As you can clearly see, I had some, um, spare time at my old job to play with toys, which, let's face it, is fucking awesome. Enjoy! Special thanks to Christ-Minus-T for saving these classic pieces of teh interwebs! Viva la AOB!)

Meet the Heroes, Issue 2, Epilogue

Epilogue

Jane Doe arrived unnanounced to Mercy Medical Center, another body found in the flood. The doctors wondered at her scars and skeletal trauma. The collected the stable facts: white caucasion female, mid fifties, had given birth at least once, in excellent health (before drowning). The flood had removed her clothing. Dental records gave her name as Erica Thomas. There was no surviving family to contact. Janes and Johns pulled from the river were many these days, but everyone could sense she was special.

A few of the orderlies and nurses got permission to spare the body from cremation. They found a plot out on old Seven Hills Cemetary, dug her a hole and burried her. She was a hero, they said in her eulogy. Any mother who died in the flood was a hero for being a mother at all.

Each woman present created her own tale of what Jane Doe had done to receive her injuries. None made her a victim, but a heroine, fighting for her children and for justice. It fit. It fit her every aspect. Even dead, she was vibrant and attractive, the envy of all present, beautiful, strong, heroic, at peace finally after the great struggle. They wept for themselves. This woman could have lead them and nurtured them. She'd have inspired them to greatness. She'd teach them to be strong.

As they tossed mud on her, they resigned to fate. Not everyone can be a hero. Few people can. The choices involved are glamourous and brave at a distance. Up close, they are poison versus rot. Heroes strengthen others while destroying themselves. Heroes live in guilt and die in hell. To be a hero is to regret. Knowing the ending, very few volunteer for the job. The ones who do were doomed from the start.

The night before, Kosmos had told me that they didn't need me and I'd be better off leaving. It was the first and last fight we had. He died the next day, as did The Son, as did Mercy, as did many others who weren't heroes, but victims. I stayed, despite what he told me. In a fit of anger, he said, "You can't possibly imagine what will change tomorrow if you stay." But they needed me. He was lying to save he. I hated that.

I can't even wish I had died. How awful if I ruined what they did by being a self pitying kid. So, I watch them sling mud on Jane Doe, a.k.a. Erica Thomas, a.k.a. Mercy, beloved of Harmless Man and Mother of the Son. She'd seen them all die and somehow managed to let go and drown. There are no heroes, just good and bad people too stupid to stop fighting, like me.

Ebard

Anyone up for some techno?

I thought of this at 4:00 AM last
night and I just had to make it.

What can I say?

It's been a slow week at the office.

Steroids in Baseball

See, you can get all you new here
Malach has loaded up a copy of the Mitchell Report over in our articles archive here at TOM. 400 pages but interesting read, especially some of the people named, including Roger Clemens and Captain Flakpaperpants. So read up buckos.

Not Your Father's Cartoon Network-

A few days ago we reported that Paddington Bear will be questioned by British immigration authorities regarding his legal status. That news has caused so much comment among our readers that we decided to bring you an extended report on other Cartoon Characters in the News.

I'm afraid it's not pretty, people...

Rudolph "The Red" Reindeer is currently wanted by Federal authorities on a wide variety of terrorism-related charges. A Homeland Security spokesman reports that "Red Rudy" Reindeer is known to have violated restricted military airspace on a number of occasions and to have been in contact with "Yukon Cornelius", a/k/a Mohammed Bin-Yaken. He is considered horned and dangerous.

Snoopy was sentenced to 3 years in a Federal Minimum Security Prison yesterday, following his conviction last month on 47 counts of Insider Trading in Dog-Bone Futures. He is expected to be eligible for parole in time for next year's Peanuts' Halloween special.

The Grinch remains at large despite a nation-wide manhunt. He is wanted for questioning in connection with the disappearance of Cindy-Lou Who, who was last seen on the way to the bathroom for a cup water on the night of Christmas Eve. Authorities refuse to say whether the Grinch is a suspect in the disappearance, and refer to him as a "person of interest, with cobwebs in his soul".

Arizona Prosecutors have announced that they have arrested The Roadrunner in a Phoenix motel room with 3 suitcases stuffed full of amphetamines. Well, nobody wanted to say anything at the time, but, well- I guess we always suspected, didn't we?

Superman was named today as the central cartoon character involved in the Cartoon Steroid Abuse Scandal. According to the long-awaited Snitchell Report, the Man of Steel supplied illegal body-building drugs to at least 20 fellow cartoon characters, including Popeye, Spiderman, Batman, and Flash Gordon. Superman tried to avoid reporters on a New York street this afternoon by ducking into a phone booth, but couldn't find one.

Cartoon Officials are still investigating the deaths of J. Peterson "Porky" Pig and his girlfriend Petunia Pig in a tragic accident at the Hormel plant last Tuesday. Services for "Porky" and Petunia will be held at the Warner Brothers Studio on Friday afternoon, to be followed immediately by the studio's Annual Staff Christmas Party, where Porky and Petunia will be featured on the buffet table, in all their honey-baked glory.

T-t-t-t-hat's All, Folks!

Holday Hump Day Jokes

A dad went to his shrink and the Dr. ask "what seems to be the problem?" " My son cusses in every sentences what should I do?" Ask him what he want for X-mas and if he tells you without cussing give him that present, but if he cuses while telling you give him dog shit. So he goes home and says son what do you want for X-mas? I want a god damn X-box 360 at the foot of my bed, a Ipod nano with all the shit, and fucking dirt bike. He wake up the next morning and at the foot of his bed was dog shit, opened a box that looked like a Ipod but it was dog shit, he run outside and saw dirt bike shadow but it was dog shit covering his old bike. The dad came out and said "son what did Santa bring you?" I think he brought me a god damn dog but I can’’t find the little bastard.

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

~holiday love~

Have a Heart, Support This Charity

It’s the time of year that everywhere we go we are confronted by charities, telling us their worthy cause and how we should step up and help. Sometimes it’s hard to know for sure if these people will be using our money for what they say they would or if they even really need it. Well, I felt I could no longer ignore one girl’s Christmas wish.

For many moons now, there has been an ongoing flirtation between myself and C.Rag. Both of us are nubile, supple breasted, young women who have an interest in experimenting with each other (I could link to a myriad of comments the both of us have posted, but there are so many; I will just suggest that you look at either of our sites). To deny us this pleasure because of the price of a plane ticket is cruel, and not at all in the holiday giving spirit.

With your generous gift, you can make two redhead’s Christmas wish come true. So, don't be a Scrooge, give the gift that keeps giving all year round, not just in our memories, but in your imaginations!

Corey... this is for you, man.

Well, that pretty much sums

up my college roommate.

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - PART II

He's DICK BIGGMAN and he's back with more of his endless degrading insensitive bullshit.

Here are the next four episodes (and one bonus episode.)

So, enjoy it you sleazy fucktards.

Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8

Bonus Episode!

Now, piss off.

The Golden Compass

Wow.
So, many of you know, Malach works for an organization that is based it's funding in part from Catholic Charities. Malach was shocked to find how vehemently, the Catholic Church has come out against Phillip Pullman, and The Golden Compass movie, and his Dark Materials books. There is a very active movement in the Catholic Church (and Christianity for that matter) to ban these books. Pullman, a "devout" atheist (who Malach affectionately calls "Bizarro C.S. Lewis), is very active in his opinions about religion in general, but so are a lot of people.

What surprises Malach . . . the Church itself, while it has made suggestions of "non Catholic" work (Harry Potter and The DaVinci Code come to mind), they have never come right out and banned a book, which they have with these books. The Catholic Schools in the area have sent a memo home stating these books were not allowed in any of the schools, and any teachers found with them would lose their jobs. They haven't openly banned a popular books since the 60's. The Catholic League (a media arm of the Vatican, but they will deny it) has come out against the book as blasphemous and evil.

Malach reprints for you below a interview from Zenit.com another Vatican based Internet media company:

What Every Parent Should Know About "The Golden Compass"

Interview With Pete Vere and Sandra Miesel

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana, NOV. 14, 2007 (Zenit.org).- The film "The Golden Compass" isn't simply about using fairy-tale magic to tell a good story, it corrupts the imagery of Lewis and Tolkien to undermine children's faith in God and the Church, says Catholic author Pete Vere.In this interview with ZENIT, Vere and Sandra Miesel discuss the movie adaptation of the fantasy novels written by Philip Pullman. The film, staring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, will be released in the United States in early December.

Vere and Miesel are co-authors of the booklet "Pied Piper of Atheism: Philip Pullman and Children's Fantasy," to be published by Ignatius Press next month on the topic of "The Golden Compass."

Q: The first movie of "The Golden Compass" trilogy is being released at Christmas. For those unfamiliar with the series, what kind of books are these and to whom do they appeal?
Vere: To begin, the books are marketed for 9-12 year olds as children's fantasy literature in the tradition of J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, and J.K. Rowling. "If you're a fan of 'Lord of the Rings,' 'Narnia ' or 'Harry Potter,'" the critics tell us, "you'll love Pullman."

Personally, I just can't see a child picking up these books and reading them. I see them more as books that adults give kids to read.

Having said that, "The Golden Compass" (1995) is the first book in Pullman's trilogy. The second book is titled "The Subtle Knife" (1997) and it is followed by "The Amber Spyglass" (2000).

Collectively, the trilogy is known as "His Dark Materials," a phrase taken from John Milton's "Paradise Lost." This is appropriately titled in my opinion, since each book gets progressively darker -- both in the intensity with which Pullman attacks the Catholic Church and the Judeo-Christian concept of God, as well as the stridency with which he promotes atheism.

For example, one of the main supporting characters, Dr. Mary Malone, is a former Catholic nun who abandoned her vocation to pursue sex and science. The reader does not meet her until the second book, by which time the young reader is already engrossed in the story. By the third book, Dr. Malone is engaging in occult practices to lead the two main characters, a 12-year-old boy and girl, to sleep in the same bed and engage in -- at the very least -- heavy kissing. This is the act through which they renew the multiple universes created by Pullman.

Another example is Pullman's portrayal of the Judeo-Christian God. Pullman refers to him as "The Authority," although a number of passages make clear that this is the God of the Bible. The Authority is a liar and a mere angel, and as we discover in the third book, senile as well. He was locked in some sort of jewel and held prisoner by the patriarch Enoch, who is now called Metatron and who rules in the Authority's name. When the children find the jewel and accidentally release the Authority, he falls apart and dies.

Additionally, Pullman uses the imagery of C.S. Lewis' "Narnia" chronicles. "His Dark Materials" opens with the young heroine stuck in a wardrobe belonging to an old academic, conversing with a talking animal, when she discovers multiple worlds. So the young reader is lulled early on with the familiar feel of Lewis.

Nevertheless, Pullman's work isn't simply about using fairy-tale magic to tell a good story. He openly proselytizes for atheism, corrupting the imagery of Lewis and Tolkien to undermine children's faith in God and the Church.

Q: Many Catholics, including William Donohue of the Catholic League, are speaking out against the movie. What should parents know before they let their children watch this film?
Vere: I don't recommend any parent allow their children to view the film. While the movie has reportedly been sanitized of its more anti-Christian and anti-religious elements, it will do nothing but pique children's curiosity about the books. I'm a parent myself. My children would think it hypocritical if I told them it was OK to see the movie, but not to read the books. And they would be right.

It's not OK for children -- impressionable as they are -- to read stories in which the plot revolves around the supreme blasphemy, namely, that God is a liar and a mortal. It is not appropriate for children to read books in which the heroine is the product of adultery and murder; priests act as professional hit men, torturers and authorize occult experimentation on young children; an ex-nun engages in occult practices and promiscuous behavior, and speaks of it openly with a 12-year-old couple; and the angels who rebel against God are good, while those who fight on God's side are evil. This is wrong. And while it's been softened in the movie -- or at least that's what Hollywood is telling us -- it's still there in the books.

Miesel: Furthermore, there's a great deal of cruelty and gore in the books, not just battles but deliberate murder, sadism, mutilation, suicide, euthanasia and even cannibalism. There are also passages of disturbing sensuality and homosexual angels who are "platonic lovers."

I agree with Pete. Avoid both the movie and the books. It would be best if people didn't picket or make a public fuss because that's just free publicity. If the movie fails at the box office, the second and third books won't be filmed.

Q: The author, Philip Pullman, is an outspoken atheist. Does this come across in the books and the movie as a secularist position or more in the form of anti-Catholicism?
Vere: It's not an "either/or" situation. What begins as a rebellion against the Church turns into a rebellion against God. This then leads to the discovery that God -- and Christianity -- are a fraud.

The 12-year-old protagonists -- Lyra and Will -- discover there is no immortal soul, no heaven or hell. All that awaits us in the afterlife is some gloomy Hades-type afterlife where the soul goes to wait until it completely dissolves. Thus Pullman uses anti-Catholicism as the gateway to promoting atheism.

Q: The trilogy is being compared to "Harry Potter" and "The Lord of the Rings." Is there a comparison to be made with either?
Vere: On the surface, yes. You've got witches, heroines, strange creatures, alternate worlds, etc. Although for reasons already stated, the real comparison -- by way of inverted imagery -- is to C.S. Lewis' "Narnia" chronicles. Pullman, who has called "The Lord of the Rings" "infantile," has a particular dislike for Lewis and "Narnia." This is reflected in Pullman taking Lewis' literary devices and inverting them to attack Christianity and promote atheism.

As Pullman said in a 1998 article in The Guardian: "[Lewis] didn't like women in general, or sexuality at all, at least at the stage in his life when he wrote the 'Narnia' books. He was frightened and appalled at the notion of wanting to grow up. Susan, who did want to grow up, and who might have been the most interesting character in the whole cycle if she'd been allowed to, is a Cinderella in a story where the ugly sisters win."

Miesel: That nasty quote is factually wrong on both points. Lewis began corresponding with his future wife in 1950, the year the first "Narnia" book came out, and married her in 1956, the year the last one was published. Susan's problem isn't "growing up," but turning silly and conceited. She doesn't even appear -- much less get sent to hell -- in "The Last Battle."

Vere: Thus what we see here is more contrast and corruption than comparison. Also, the work of Tolkien, Lewis and Rowling is primarily driven by the audience. It is the average reader who purchases these works, reads them, and makes them popular.

Pullman's work, on the other hand, appears to be driven by the critics. The only people I know recommending Pullman's work are English majors and university professors. I don't know a single electrician, hairdresser or accountant who recommends Pullman's work by word of mouth. Thus the books haven't resonated with the average person to the same degree as "Lord of the Rings," "Narnia" and "Harry Potter."

Q: Nicole Kidman, a Catholic who stars in the film, has said she wouldn't have taken the role if she thought the movie was anti-Catholic. What do you make of this response?
Vere: The film has not yet been released, so I cannot comment on it. However, Christ asks very pointedly in the Gospels: Can a good tree bear rotten fruit? The movie is the fruit of the books and Pullman's imagination. These are anti-Christian and atheistic at their core. How does one sanitize this from the movie without completely gutting Pullman from his story?

During an interview with Hollywood screenwriter Barbara Nicolosi a couple of months ago, I asked her whether it was possible to tone down the anti-Christian elements for the movie. Nicolosi is the chair of Act One, a training and mentoring organization for Christians starting out in Hollywood.

She had given the question thought. A few years ago one of her friends -- an evangelical Christian -- had been asked by her agent to pitch on the project, that is, propose to write the screenplay adapting "The Golden Compass" to film.

"We read [the book] and there was just no way we could come in on this," Nicolosi told me. "Pullman's fantasy universe is nihilistic and rooted in chaos. You cannot fix that in a rewrite without changing the story Pullman is trying to tell -- which is atheistic, angry and at times polemical."

But let's suppose it is possible. Let's suppose Kidman is right and that the movie has been sanitized of its anti-Catholicism. The books remain saturated with bitter anti-Christian polemic. So why promote a movie that will only generate interest in the books among impressionable young children?

For the Christian parent, the movie cannot be anything but spiritual poison to their children -- for the movie is the fruit of the book.

Wow. These are very strong words from people representing the Christian view, and you can just read this being repeated across the Internet with Christian sites and bloggers.

Here's what bother Malach. Why is the Church so nervous about a book. Are their followers that brain dead that reading this book will turn them into atheistic zombies? I mean The Chronicles of Narnia did not turn me into a Christian.

By the way, I have not read any of the books (surprisingly they sell the whole set at Wal-Mart), but is it on my list of things to read.

I am Malach, your prophet.

The Sleazy Adventures of Dick Biggman - PART I

I am pleased to present my very first webcomic.

Meet Dick Biggman. He's a pig. He's an asshole. He's an egotistical fuckhead and he is completely and totally offensive.

But, most of all, he's hilarious.

...and don't you forget it.

Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4

Things You Can't Say

Here are some things you can't say to get out of a speeding ticket.

"You were going just as fast as I was. Here's your ticket, ass-shit."

"How can I tell how fast I was going when I'm shooting up a speedball?"

"Y M C A!"

"I thought I flushed you this morning."

"Blue makes you look fat."

"I'll give your mother a ticket for having sex with me."

"Are all cops as gay as you?"

"That show CHiPs gives me a hard on."

"I had to go that fast to get back to the future."

"95? Pretty good for a guy they told would never drive in the state of (instert state here) again."

"That show Prison Break makes this whole thing moot."

"Oh, sorry. I only take tickets from K-9 unit cops."

"How 'bout I fucking bite you and we call it even?"

"Dude, this is the best bachelor party ever. When do you take that uni off, hon?"

"But officer, I've never paid a ticket in my life!"

"Does your wife know we're meeting like this?"

"Is this being taped for a show? I'll make a break for it so it looks good."

"Seatbelt... preventing... spinning... backhand..."

Digital Restoration of aging art

Last night I gave a short talk at my masonic lodge about the potential benefits of using digital restoration for some of the wonderful paintings inside historic Trinity Lodge.

These are but a few rough example of what is ultimately possible using digital photo enhancement (let alone complete physical cleaning and restoration of the paintings themselves.)

Using such techniques, it can become possible for us to see features previously hidden by years upon years of aging and exposure.

• Here is a BEFORE & AFTER image of the George Washington portrait hanging in our lodge room. Please note the rich colors of his Masonic apron, the gold leaf "G" with square and compasses on the chair behind him, the color of his Bible and even the faint hint of blue in his eyes!

• In the King Edward VII BEFORE & AFTER image, notice the amazing woodwork detail on the table, the various colors in his medals, and the fact that he is clearly holding a place in the book he has in his right hand (which I assume is the bible.) There also appears to be some detail to the carpet and a shimmering shine upon his shoes!

Once I have better source images to work with, I can show far more color and detail as was originally present in these beautiful portraits. I will also be examining some of the other works throughout the lodge. I have a professional photographer coming in to the lodge to take some super high resolution images (which will be shot at a better angle as well.)

Once I have a decent collection of before and after images, I will post them up on Trinity Lodge's web site.

Hump Day Jokes

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." P

riest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Pri