BREAKING WoW NEWS!

EVEL KNIEVEL DEAD AT 69 YEARD OLD
Legenday stuntman practically invented "being on balls!"

Evel Knievel, the motorcycle daredevil whose stunts -- including an attempted leap over Idaho's Snake River Canyon and his insane taste for hideous 70's fashion -- made him a popular cultural figure, is dead, according to his Web site, evelknievel.com. He was 69 and loving it.

Over his career, Knievel was said to have broken practically every bone in his body -- some multiple times.

With his red-white-and-blue jumpsuits, abnormally large shirt collars, shock of hair and stone-faced mein, he was a fixture on ABC's program "Wide World of Sports" in the 1970s, his stunts perennial ratings-grabbers.

Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle." (He had hoped to jump the Grand Canyon, but couldn't get permission.) The attempt failed, but the publicity was priceless.

His fame even spawned a movie, "Viva Knievel!" in 1977.

Robert Craig Knievel was born October 17, 1938, in Butte, Montana.

Earlier this week, Knievel amicably settled a lawsuit with rap star Kanye West over West's use of a persona called "Evel Kanyevel" in his video for "Touch the Sky."

"I was very satisfied and so was he," Knievel told The Associated Press while eating broken glass and drinking gasoline... LEADED GASOLINE. "Now, I am planning something really big. I'm going to take the biggest jump of all: the jump to the other side, baby. You know what I mean? HELL YEAH YOU DO."

To pay their respects, friends and family are expected to jump over Kenievel's flaming casket at his funeral on Sunday.

Peace in the Middle East

You been very patient
And today you can rejoice. JesusMan! 5.3 is now loaded! And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, I have created a new t-shirt for this episode, the very first JesusMan! t-shirt.

Peace in the Middle East; JesusMan! 5:3
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

Do you not love it? On the back the shirt says: "Nothin' says Peace in the Middle East like a 100 foot naked hottie on roller skates" and then is labeled "JesusMan! 5:3" underneath. So enjoy buckos!

Loyalism

I was doing jello shots with Rudy and arguing about which Arab country he should nuke first if he gets to be President when my cellphone rang. It was Dick, and he wanted me in the Oval Office, right away.

“We need you to sign this paper,” Dick explained, pushing a form across the desk at me. I touched the paper, which immediately burst into flames and incinerated itself. I smiled at Dick.

“Oops. Sorry. What was it, anyway?”

“It’s a Loyalism Oath,” George broke in proudly. “We’re gonna make everyone sign ‘em, make ‘em promise to only vote for Republicans, like they’re doin’ down in Virginia.”

“Why not just outlaw all the other political parties like your pal, Putey-Pute?” I asked, laughing. “That would be more efficient.”

George turned and stared at a signed photo of Vladimir Putin he kept on his desk and frowned. “He don’t call me no more,” he said sadly. “You think he’s mad at me or sumthin’?”

“Never mind that,” Dick broke in roughly, “I’ll get another copy. You have to sign it, everyone will have to sign it if they want to vote in the next election”.

“You could just arrest all your political opponents, like your pal, Pervez,” I suggested.

“Or we could just Deportize ‘em all, you know, like illegal alienists,” George added.

Dick shook his head. “Not for another few years. I think this is an easier way to get Congress back and keep the White House. We are going to call it the Patriot Pact”.

I had to hand it to Dick, the man’s clever with names. But I wasn’t signing.

“I don’t sign anything, Dick,” I reminded him. “Other people sign my pacts. You know that. You signed one yourself”.

Dick shrugged. “Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you”.

“That’s right,” George broke in. “My pal Putey’s got a new system for elections where you have to vote for his party to keep your job”. He looked wistfully at the photo on his desk. “I wish he’d call me,” he whispered mournfully.

I slipped out. I hate it when George gets whiney. And I had to be over at Hillary’s place in an hour. She was going to be re-aligning her policy positions, and she’d asked my to bring the dart board and six pack.

I'll jump on the YouTube bandwagon.

If Third Option Media was hired to create a political campaign ad, it might look something like this...

WoW Presents: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

On July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong landed their Lunar Module on the moon's Sea of Tranquility and became the first two humans to walk on the moon.

This unprecedented heroic endeavor was witnessed by the largest worldwide television audience in history. Buzz was presented the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honor amongst over 50 other distinguished awards and medals from the United States and numerous other countries.

Since retiring from NASA, the Air Force, and his position as Commander of the Test Pilot School at Edwards Air Force Base, Dr. Aldrin has remained at the forefront of efforts to ensure a continued leading role for America in manned space exploration. He has also been active in the Freemasons, of which he is a member, past master and officer.

To advance his lifelong commitment to venturing outward in space, he founded his rocket design company, Starcraft Boosters, Inc., and the ShareSpace Foundation, a nonprofit organization devoted to opening the doors to space tourism for all people.

Buzz and his wife, Lois, live in Los Angeles. Buzz and his best friend Mario, however, live part time in a low-gravity, sub-orbital flying fun shack.

Hump Day Jokes

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

~wicked hump day lovin~

I Love the 80's

Hey Malach, how many of these CDs do you own?



BEST VIDEO EVER!!!!



The only song worth listening to from The Lost Boys Soundtrack. Michael Hutchins, Malach and I sorely miss you.



Think this guy idolized Jim Morrison much?



Danny Elfman is a fucking genius.



I had a lot of sex to this CD back in 1990. I would have had a lot of sex to it when it came out, but I didn't actually have sex until 1990. One of the best, most underrated voices in contemporary music.



OK, so they don't want the video embedded. You can look at it here instead.



This song will forever remind me of Alice Fangueiro. Not that anyone aside from Malach will know who that is.



Three guesses why I love this song. Hint: it rhymes with "Magpipes".

I still love all of these songs. Anyone in high school in the 1980's was singing along. Admit it.

So Much Better Than Pilates

Try it! You just may like it!

If it's on teh internetz, it must be true!

Time has been one of the most complicated and less studied scientific issues since ancient times.

Eight years ago, American and British scientists who conducted investigations in Antarctica made a sensational discovery. US physicist Mariann McLein told of how researchers noticed some spinning gray fog in the sky over the pole on January 27 which they believed to be just an ordinary sandstorm.

However, the gray fog did not change in form and did not move in the course of time.

The researchers decided to investigate the phenomenon and launched a weather balloon with equipment capable of registering the wind speed, the temperature and the air moisture.

But the weather balloon soared upwards and immediately disappeared.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE OF THIS TRUE STORY!

Cap'n Flak's Football Game Review

Well, for those of you that have the sincere pleasure of knowing me, you know that I am not what some would call a sports enthusiast. I won't even go into my "60-yard line" story. I can count the number of sports matches I have watched in their entirety on my... well, actually I can't because I really never have watched an entire game of any sport.

Anyway, thanks to some time well spent with Dr. Robert J. Murk (awesome), I recently started watching football, specifically the amazing, seemingly unbeatable New England Patriots. I mean, Jesus H. Christ (aka: Bill Belichick), can these guys pass that leather oblong ellipsoid around a white lined rectangle or what!?!?

Knowing more about the Jaglavak ant colonies propensity to attack termites in Cameroon than I know about the rules and regulations of football leaves me with a somewhat unique perspective on this modern day gladiator-like spectacle.

I fully admit to being dazzled, if not overwhelmed, by the mind numbing array of flashing graphics, the fact that the company I work for is an NFL sponsor and the extreme hotness of Quarter-Back Tom Brady (and if you don't think he is amazing, be you man or woman, you are either blind, retarded or dead.)

Furthermore, I admit that I don't know what the announcers are saying and I sure as hell can't decipher any of the statistical information (Brady: CMP-284, ATT-392 YRDS-3439, CMP%-72.4 OMG WTF?)

But, I do know this: the battle-like scenarios played out on those big green fields are fun to watch and, if so inclined, you can get sucked in faster than light particles entering a black hole.

I can't help but be impressed by players like Laurence Maloney?, Maroney?, Marooney?, whatever, who I watched literally shove his way through a pack of angry men, some of which are even bigger than me, to score a touchdown and put New England back into the lead, 31-28.

At one point, I switched over to FOX and watched Family Guy. I gotta tell you that is one seriously funny show. Did you see the part where Peter shows up at Meg's school and smashes the popular girl's face into a fire extinguish... wait, sorry. Back to the game.

I have to hand it to the team wearing the green uniforms. (Jets? No, EAGLES! Yeah, that's it.) They played their best and when I finally decided to go to bed (even though there was a mere 5 or 6 minutes left on the play clock thingy), I actually thought the Eagles might win!

OK, well, honestly, I figured they'd blow it. I was just being nice. You know, I even felt bad for the Eagles Stephen Gostko-something when he missed a 32-yard toss. Ouch. SUX2BU guy!

It felt weird when I woke up this morning to the sound of my 1-year old bouncing up and down on his bed while asking for his "milkies" and yet the first thought I had was "did the Pats win?" That's never happened to me before. So, I sat up, switched on NECN and I found out that, sure enough, the Pats added another victory to their record by beating the Philadelphia (?) Eagles last night at Foxboro Stadium in front of 68,000+ alcohol warmed screaming fans.

WAY TO GO, PATS!!!!

One more thing: people keep comparing the Pats to the 1972 Miami Dolphins with head coach Don Shula. When I hear that name, I can only think one thing...


...isn't that the guy in those NutriSystem commercials?

The Color of Magic, a Book Review

The Color of Magic
Ok, maybe I am a little slow on the uptake here, but thanks to some prodding from Angryman, Malach has just finished the first book in Terry Pratchett's Discworld Series, The Color of Magic. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While is has a slight slow begininning, it quickly traps you into Discworld, and you don't want to leave. I am not a huge fan of Pratchett, but the stuff I have read by him, I have enjoyed. If you are at all a fan of high fantasy, Tolkein style, or fantasy based Role Playing Games, these books are for you. They is one way are intended as a spoof, a spoof of Tolkein, a spoof Dungeons and Dragons, Lovecraft, Leiber, Howard, C.S. Lewis, a spoof on everything high fantasy.

The first in series, The Color of Magic is about an inept and cynical wizard named Rincewind. So inept, he never completed wizard training, and can only cast one spell. One of the original spells of power, that he really can't remember how to cast. He comes into employment for as a guide for a out of country visitor named Twoflower and his sentient piece of luggage (Luggage). Rincewind leads him about the huge city of Ankh-Morpork, through a series of unfortunate events, leading to the city burning to the ground, and they then set off on the begininig of a grand adventure across the continent, and further.

Not only is the book funny, it is also throughly entertaining, and I couldn't put it down. It get 4 ass smacks from Malach the Merciless.

Eric Mangini
These are starting to sell well, so here they are, for the WoWees, the game is coming up soon.

BITCH SNITCH ERIC MAN-GINA
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

STOP SNITCHIN' MANGENIUS!
by

Malach

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

And as requested Sweatshirts will be up today.

And finally some exclusive video of the Angry Piper's ex

I am Malach and I want to rock with you

Point of View-

Our staff was far too full of turkey, stuffing, Jack Daniels and beer to regain consciousness this morning, so we bring you a Classic SoD, first posted in March of 2006. Happy Thanksgiving Weekend everyone, we'll drag The Demonic One back to the office next Monday to get back to work!

- - -

excerpts from the diary of President George Bush -PRIVATE!!!

March 1st- Flew into Pakistan with Laura. Saw Pervez, had a nice dinner. Didn't know what the Hell anything was, but it tasted good. Except the meat dish. I think I may have eaten a goat. I’ll have to talk to Pervez about that.

March 2nd- Went walking this morning before Laura got up. Got lost. Went down a side street and got grabbed by two men with guns. They asked if I was a Pakistani, and I said no, and they shoved me in the back of a truck. Could hear them talking up front about the United States government offering a bounty on foreigners caught in Pakistan and turning me in for cash. What a damned screw-up. Of course we offer a bounty. Caught quite a few bad-doers with it too, folks who are violent, and amoral, and who like to wage war and kill people for no good reason. But not Americans, for Chrissake! I'll straighten this out when I get to our own people. Boy are these two gonna be sorry. I'll throw their asses in Gitmo.

March 3rd- The assholes who grabbed me sold me to the US Army for 50 bucks. The stupid Army major wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. Kept asking me if I was employed in Pakistan. Idiot. I finally yelled at him that I'm not fucking employed, I'm the godamned President!

Now I'm on a godamned plane to Gitmo.

March 5th- Unbelievable. I'm in a damned cell with a Saudi carpenter and two Indian software engineers. This is a seriously screwed-up system. Nobody will listen to a word I say. I want a telephone! I want my lawyer! They just laugh at me. I have to talk with Cheney about this when I get back. I’m gonna talk with Don too. They can’t do this to me. I’m a do-gooder, not a bad-doer. Fucking assholes.

March 8th- Today I met my "lawyer", a junior-grade Lieutenant named Jack from the motor pool. Apparently Cheney set it up so we don't get lawyers, we get "representatives" who don't know a damned thing about law. Jack was sympathetic but said there was not much he could do. According to Jack they don't have to let me get in touch with anyone or charge me with anything or ever let me go. That doesn’t sound very American to me, and I told him so. He laughed like I’d said something funny.

When I get back some heads are gonna roll, boy.

March 9th- They got me up at 3 a.m. by playing Barry Manilow music full blast outside the cell. Played it for 12 hours straight. That has to be against some Convention or other. I wish I hadn't said we were going to ignore those, but nobody told me about Barry Manilow. That's just not right. It’s wrong.

March 11th- Jack says they've classified me as an 'enemy combatant'! I asked him why. Well, I didn't ask. I yelled. A lot. The guards came in and tied me up. Assholes. I’m making a list, boy.

Anyway, Jack said he didn't know, they won't show him my file. He says they classified it 'secret', so they don't have to show it to him. I told him that I have rights, you know, like it says in the Constitution. That asshole laughed and quoted me stuff I said about it being a 'godamned piece of paper'.

I took a swing at him and they put me in solitary.

I hate Jack.

March 12th- They've been playing Roger Miller's 'King of the Road' outside my cell since midnight. 'No phone, no pool, no pets'. They think it's pretty funny. Assholes.

March 13th- I finally bribed a guard to smuggle me a cell phone. Called Dick Cheney. He said he'd "see what he could do". I said he'd better fucking "see", and damn fast! Cheney started dodging, he said that I signed some law or other giving myself no rights in here, and then he mumbled something about "rules" and "working with the system". I hung up on him.

I hate Dick Cheney.

March 15th- I'm free! Mom called Dick and gave him a piece of her mind, so Dick signed some papers and I'm going home. This experience has really opened my eyes. I understand now that it really is against all the values we stand for to round up people without any real evidence against them, jail them without charge, hold them indefinitely without trial or a lawyer, and leave them here to rot. When I get back to Washington tomorrow I'm going to make some changes, you bet!

March 16th- Back home! Watched tv with Laura for a while, and now I have to pack for the weekend. We're having a big barbecue at the ranch. I wonder if Ann Coulter is going to be there tomorrow? Laura doesn't like Ann, but I think she's a pistol. Andy Card came in and asked what I wanted to "do" about Gitmo. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Why should I care about a bunch of godamned terrorists? Let 'em rot, I told him.

I like Andy, but he can be pretty dense sometimes.

The Latest Recurring Character on The WoW!

You've seen him lurking in the back of elevators.
He may have been interviewing for your job.
We even saw him hanging around the aquarium.
Well, this is Clem and, right now, he sells latex.

You like him? No. You LOVE him.

Stay tuned for more Clem.
Only on The WoW!*


*brought to you by Third Option Media Productions!

Hump Day Jokes

You Might Have a Redneck Thanksgivings if:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

~*~*~*~*~

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

1. Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left

those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition,

and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

3. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the

turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

5. Whenever someone at the table says a word

beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

6. When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

7. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

9. Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on

just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

11. As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd,

I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

12. Hold your nose while you eat.

13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom,

I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender,

and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

16. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late,

he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms,

and then they are free to go.

17. During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

18. Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

19. Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug"

gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you,

"THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

~*~*~*~*~

A lady was pawing through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough to feed her large family.

Annoyed, she asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The startled stock boy replied, "Heck no, ma'am, they're all dead."

~*~*~*~*~

Have a happy happy turkey day everyone!

~turkey lovin for the wicked~

IT'S OFFICIAL: Cloverfield is coming.

Click here to see the brand new trailer for JJ Abrams monster epic Cloverfield!

I don't know about you, but I am excited to see this movie and I have been impressed and inspired by the mysterious viral marketing produced for this movie.

Will it be as good as all the hype? Knowing JJ's past work, I have to imagine it certainly will be.

A glimmer of hope and an attempted murder.

It never ceases to amaze me how much my kids can brighten my world. After I took my oldest boy to the New England Aquarium to watch Michael dive (see the video post below), he kept telling me what a great day he had and how glad he was that I was his best friend. I swear he reminds me that there is still pure innocence and good in the world.

And, then, on my ride into work today some asshole tried to hit me and run me off the road. I mean, WTF? If you were driving down the road, would you want to hit this?

Wait. Don't answer that.

The Daily Narcissist Goes to the Movies: No Country for Old Men

Okay, no suspense here. Four swipes of the cat tail for No Country for Old Men. I feel giddy - giddily happy after seeing this movie.

How can one feel this way after having seen a whole lot of graphic murders? One can because one has been completely, thoroughly and superbly entertained. Based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, and written for the screen and directed by the inimitable Coen brothers, No Country for Old Men is a perfect movie. I love going to Coen brothers' movies because I am 100% certain I'm going to see something very different from the usual pablum of American film making. I was not disappointed.
















Plot summary: Llewelyn Moss, played spot on by Josh Brolin (who knew?), is out hunting in the west Texas desert one hot, glaringly sunny day when he stumbles on a drug deal gone very, very wrong, as evidenced by many shot up pick-up trucks and dead bodies, including one dog. He finds something that I think most of us wouldn't blame him for taking, and carries it back to his pretty young wife waiting impatiently at home in the trailer park.















A twinge of conscience sends him back to the crime scene in the middle of the night. This arbitrary act of kindness sets in motion a tension-filled, violent chase by first Anton Chigurh (played by the superb Spanish actor Javier Bardem, whom I last saw in The Sea Inside), then Sheriff Bell (Tommy Lee Jones, masterful and, as always, at the top of his game), and finally "fixer" Carson Wells (Woody Harrellson).

























In between all the mayhem and murder perpetrated by the deliciously psychotic Chigurh, you'll find humor slipped in that had all of us in the audience chuckling out loud many times. You have to listen carefully. I've read some reviews that try to equate the dessicated and violence-filled scenery with a metaphor for the current lawless and fucked-up state of the US. I don't know if that's McCarthy's intent, and I don't know if I see it that way, but it doesn't matter because the story in and of itself is so well put together, fantastically well-acted and perfectly filmed.

















If you're familiar with the nature of Cormac McCarthy's writing and the Coen brothers' affection for "noirish" film making, you won't be too surprised with how it ends. But really, the ending is almost besides the point. Watching Bardem's fastidious Chigurh mess with a sincere but hapless Texas gas station owner, and Jones' humorous, world-weary intelligence effortlessly and accurately (almost) assembling the pieces of this bit of "dismal tide" is just way too much fun to miss.

And if anyone can find me the soundtrack, especially the track, "Blood Trail", that plays during the ending credits, I'll be forever grateful.

Meanwhile inside the Giant Ocean Tank...

A good friend of mine volunteers as a diver at the New England Aquarium in Boston. I took my boy to see him yesterday, and he gave us an amazing behind the scenes tour of the facility and then proceeded to put on a terrific show for us once he dove into the tank.

I made this little video as my way of thanking him for the unique experience to see a side of something I have loved since I was a child... The Giant Ocean Tank!

Amazing what a litle *BEEP* can do for things

Don't ask. Just watch.

A Week from Hell-

Dear Diary...

MONDAY: Started the week off by peeking in at the rehearsal for the upcoming Democratic Candidates Debate. It started off smoothly enough- Barack Obama walked to his podium and announced “My name is Barack Obama, and I’m not Hillary!”

Then John Edwards walked to his podium, flashed a blinding smile, and said “My name is John Edwards, and I’m not Hillary!”

Then Hillary Clinton strode quickly onto the stage, put her hands on her hips, and yelled “I am Hillary, and these two are ganging up on me!” and stormed off the stage.

Off to stage left there was a sudden scuffling and a short little guy popped out from behind the curtains, shrieking “Impeach George Bush! Impeach Dick Cheney!” He ran over to a podium marked “Dennis”, but it was taller than he was and that’s the last I saw of him.

John Edwards turned back to glare at Barack Obama. “I wasn’t Hillary before you weren’t Hillary!” he declared hotly.

“That’s a lie!” Barack retorted. “I haven’t been Hillary much longer than you haven’t been Hillary!”

Then Hillary walked back in and hit Barack over the head with a folding metal chair.

I left- obviously nobody there needed my help.


TUESDAY: Satan called and asked me if I’d seen the Washington Post this morning. He sounded annoyed when I said I hadn’t, so I went down to the corner store and bought a paper. There it was, a big headline, right on the front page. I almost gagged on my coffee-

RON PAUL FILES BILL TO PRIVATIZE HELL
Congressman Says Satan’s Work to be Outsourced to China.

Well excuuuuuse-fucking-me! He can’t do that. We have contracts. And a good damned union (so to speak). Shit. I suppose that means I’ll have to try to get hold of this Paul guy again. Fucker won’t take my calls- he and Kucinich are the only two candidates we haven’t been able to negotiate contracts with. Paul told me last time I called him to “go to Hell” (gee, that’s original) and Satan won’t let me call Kucinich- he says he doesn’t want our image tarnished by dealing with “that nutburger”.

I glanced at the newspaper headline again and could feel steam coming out my ears. You can’t outsource Hell like we’re some fucking Wal*Mart commodity that you can order from the lowest bidder! That’s insulting. That’s not to say that the Chinese wouldn’t be good at it- but it’s the government’s job to do Satan’s work on earth, and I think we’re doing mighty fine work.


WEDNESDAY: Still can’t get Ron Paul to take my calls, so I decided to get out of town for a few days, and went to see the Pope. Most people think the Pope and I don’t talk, what with being on opposite sides of the Good/Evil thing and all, but there are always issues to discuss. I won’t pretend that the old Pope and I were exactly friends, but we got along. He served me tea and I tried not to leave scorch marks on his sofa.

I’d not met the new Pope yet, and I wanted to make a good impression, so I polished my hooves and shined my horns, and when I walked in I smiled and called out “Hey, Pope, great to finally meet you!”

The old bastard jumped to his feet, yelled, “Begone, foul fiend of Hell!” and set a pair of rottweilers named Herman and Adolf loose on me.

So there I am, hanging 10 feet off the ground, clinging to the Papal curtains with these two rabid, slathering dogs leaping at my hooves and then the Pope starts throwing teacups at my head. He may not look it, but the old man’s still got a good arm.

Note to self: I’m not being paid nearly enough to put up with this kind of bullshit.


THURSDAY: What a week. Dick called and asked if wanted to go quail hunting with him, but I passed. I think I’m going to leave town early and spend the weekend hanging out with Pervez in Pakistan. Now there’s a man who knows how to follow good advice.

Hump Day Jokes

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

~*~*~*~

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

~hump day lovin~

The Real Auto C

Auto C.
Once again the Buckos have come through and revealed one of our members for who they truly are.

I received a package the other day, from a forward spy in India. It contained a picture, a news article clipping, a letter, and a flask with a cream colored fluid. Here is the picture:

The article was in Farsi, so I could no read it, but the letter that followed was more my speed:

Your eminence Malach the Merciless,
I have stumbled upon some information,
that I know, you would want a brief of, so I risked my cover, and sent this to
you straight away. You see, it is about Auto C, your favorite Indian
WoWee.

The attached article I translate for you:

P. Selvakumar, also known by his famous Internet persona, Auto C, places
a garland on his new canine bride in a marriage ceremony in Manamadurai on
Sunday. He married the stray mutt in a traditional Hindu ceremony, later
taking his new wife on a honeymoon to New Dehli. Selvakumar married the
Sari draped bitch named Selvi in a Hindu Temple in the southern state of Tamil
Nadu.

Selvakumar told us that he was lonely, and always had a thing for
puppies, and was fulfilling a life long dream. "I was paralyzed with love
and passion upon seeing my bitch bride all dressed up, I can't wait for tonight"
he was quoted.

Selvakumar's family threw a huge feast for the couple, with Selvakumar's
father stating "I am so proud, now they can open a convenience store in the
States, and I can die in peace".

As you can see, this Auto C is a sick man. I also enclosed the passion
juice of their consummation that night, for Dr. Murk's studies.

My Life is Yours,
Snake Eyes.

Wow, needless to say I was floored, Auto C, the boy I raised via the Internet, didn't even invite me to his wedding . .

And for the Angry Piper
I thought this little video might remind of that romantic night in high school we spent in my father's Mazda Pickup truck.

I am Malach and I like the cars that go boom

Consumer Radicalism

I’ll use the line again. ‘Never mind what they’re selling. It’s what you’re buying.’

There is a way to do it. Small ways in your day to day to not give your dollar to the man. And there are more and more ways opening up every day.

If you’re like ol’ Hobbsy here, you’re not a big fan of the Big Corporations that run our country. Not a fan of the War for Oil, and the insanely inflated gas prices. Not a fan of the chemical-laden food that is mass produced and sold to you. (Here’s some food for thought. We use manure in our gardens because it helps things grow. Animal feces is good for plants. Try using human feces, and it will kill everything. Ever wonder why that is? Perhaps its because animals like Cows eat natural things like grass and corn, and humans eat McDonalds and Mountain Dew and things that never would exist in nature). The Corporate Run American System is poisoning you and raping you of your hard earned dollars, and you and bending over, dropping trow, and sticking your wallet in your ass so they can easily do both. You are buying into what they’ve told you to.

Now ol’ Hobbsy here does everything in his power to keep his hard earned dollars in the hands of his peers, rather than forking it all over to big business. Granted, its relatively impossible to do this 100% of the time, but here are some of my methods that help me to sleep at night.

• Gas: I do not give my money to Exxon, Mobil, Shell, or any of the major companies. I simply refuse. The less people who give them money, the less they’ll have to charge for their stinking gasoline. Look at the escalated gas prices, especially since that date I refuse to mention. There is no reason for it, except that they can.
• Phone Companies: Here’s one of the most amazing scams they’ve come up with in some time. Cell phones are all the rage, and these huge companies can pretty well charge you whatever they want, and rope you in with cool gadgetry. T-Mobile, Sprint, AT&T. Huge corporations who have cornered the market. Or have they. Ever heard of Working Assets? Started in 1985 as a small company with ethics, Working Assets gives a portion of all income to various charities, such as Greenpeace and Doctors Without Borders. I’ve used them for 15 years. When I joined, you even got a pint of Ben and Jerry’s free each month for a year. They used to only do local phone, but now they do cell phones as well, and I’ve got a damn cool gadgety phone just like you! The company has raised over $50 million dollars for charitable organizations, and also promotes social activism. In each bill are a number of petitions that you can elect to add your name to, and various socially conscious books that you can buy if you’re interested. Just add it to the bill. Their website features Act for Change, the social activism portion where many political and social causes are featured so you can be informed and get involved. All this from a phone company. And my bill is no more than anyone else’s.
• Organic Food: Folks, there are a few easy points I can make here. One is, take a look at the ingredients of many of the things that you consume. Good god! What is all of that stuff? Its chemicals, kiddies. Things that man created in a lab. Things that really have no place in food. Soda like Coke can rot through the dashboard of your car when spilled, but you drink it down into your sensitive little tummy. Ever wonder why we can use animal manure to fertilize a garden, but human feces will kill all the plants? Because there is NOTHING NATURAL in there. Ever wonder why so many Americans are OBESE? There’s your answer fish bulb! And the almighty THEY only know what sort of mind control chemicals are used in Pop-Tarts, Coke, Lay’s potato chips, et al. Let me tell you, once you start eating more natural foods, you can no longer enjoy these chemical cocktails. You can taste the filth. Now, I know you are going to start whining at me about costs. YES, Organic and natural foods are currently more expensive. WHY? Because they are no longer the main staple, but a niche market. However, the more of us who purchase this sort of product, the cheaper it will get. The reason all that other food is so cheap is because THERE IS NO FOOD IN IT! It is cheaply manufactured chemicals. And don’t complain that you can’t get your favorite products either, because you’ll find a brand of cookies just like Oreo’s that aren’t just crap. Support you local farmers and small mom and pop companies that are making real food.
• WalMart: Department stores make me sick, and WalMart is the king of nausea. I can in no way give this company any of my money. I have been to a WalMart once, only once, in the desperate need for a cheap vacuum. And I regret that to this day. We all know the poor practices of this company, and if you don’t, look it up. My hatred for WalMart started with the censorship of music, as they only sell acceptable cd’s and alter cover art that they do not enjoy. People should never buy music from department stores. Yes, its cheaper, generally, but they only sell certain things, and if everyone shopped at department stores, they’d put real record stores out of business, and you’d lose the ability to find interesting and experimental artists (yes, this argument is out of date with the internet and iTunes, but I still feel it has validity). WalMart is pure evil, and no one should ever shop there.

Folks, there are many other ways that you can refuse to support the Big Corporations, and I welcome your ideas. Share them with me, and with others. Fight back against the Corporate Government, and support your local businesses. Use your dollar as a weapon. Use every weapon you have. This is how we will reach true freedom.

-HvW

Hey Kids!

Don't forget to check out The Murkoes!

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